Did you also have a difficult childhood in the LC?

[Trapped]

ISeeCrazyPeople,

I went back and read some of your earlier posts and noticed that I missed an important part of what you had said. Because of my own experience I focused my responses more on the abusive/aberrant church side of things, but missed the portions you wrote concerning your parents. A couple thoughts came to mind as I re-read, some of which may or may not be helpful or applicable.

Although you are currently agnostic, since you have a Christian landscape from your past, I can’t help but make a comparison to God as I think about your parents. I haven’t lost sight of the fact that you don’t feel like you have solid footing to say there is a God, but I’m saying this in light of your truth quest down the road. If you DO come to a point where you see grounds for God’s existence, your family background, as I see it, may be a stumbling block to your ever wanting to take a step towards God.

I don’t know that this is a hard-and-fast rule, but in general, our views of God (particularly God as a Father to us) tend to be shaped by our relationship with our own father. If you have an authoritarian dad, as you described, then God Himself may not seem like someone you want to know, be around, run to, or feel safe with. God may not seem like someone you can approach, be open to, be honest with, be who you are with, or possibly even someone you can trust. And He especially might not feel like someone who you can bring your sins, failure, guilt, shame, and mistakes to. And this is a tragedy, because that’s what God deeply desires, so He can be the one to wrap His arms around us, failures and all, and clothe us in honor and righteousness instead.

And I'm not making that last sentence up, either.

While my parents did not have an authoritarian style, I would say they were still influenced by the local church’s teachings. The direct, safe, just-want-to-spend-time-with-you, unconditional, non-condemning, delighting-in-his-kids fatherly love wasn’t something I knew (more of a “feel like my existence has let him down, still haven’t figure out how to make him proud” kind of thing), although as an adult I realize my dad showed his love in other ways (faithful to my mom, diligently provided for his family, “good brother in the church”, etc). I mentioned in a previous post that it’s not unusual for people who leave the LC to end up in some kind of counseling, and I am one of the ones who fits that bill. In side discussions about my parents, my counselor framed this kind of behavior in a way I never thought of before, by saying “your parents sinned against you.”

My counselor is a Christian, and he framed it that way because viewing it as sin makes the way for Jesus and forgiveness to come in, but for now I just want to try to shift your perspective of your parent’s behavior to just recognizing they were wrong.

I had always thought, without realizing I was thinking it, that the way my parent’s relationship towards me made me feel was a reflection on my value as a person, on who I was, on how worthy I was. For example, they don’t show outright love and affection, so that means I’m not lovable or worthy of affection. They condemn various lawful things and sinful, so that means I’m a bad person for wanting to participate in those normal things. They make me feel bad for various things, so that means God created me to shame and condemn me.

But that’s not the case. If a parent’s behavior toward you or relationship with you is not a reflection of God, that’s a shortcoming and/or sin on their part. Now, I don’t mean to take it to an extreme....of course all parents are humans and have shortcomings and mistakes and failures, and we can’t be cruel in slamming them up against the absolute wall of God’s perfect standard because we all fall short there. But the main point I’m trying to make is to step back and realize that the damage done to you by your parent’s heavy-handed style, the effect of that style on your mental health in general, and the thoughts you have about yourself as a result of that style, don’t have the right to tell you concrete messages about yourself or your value. I do see that you probably already get this somewhat, as you’ve taken steps to make sure your own children don’t grow up the same way.

In other words, we shouldn’t base our emotional lives on someone else’s sin patterns. I’m not saying that’s an easy thing to do, because it’s not, but recognizing it as a sin pattern in the first place is the first step toward unhinging from the emotional effects of what they did. It was wrong, and so you are fully authorized to disregard any weight and heaviness that drags you down because of it.

The other thing that came to mind reading your posts is regarding safety, and by this I mean “internal safety”. The safety of our soul. Parents are supposed to be the source of our attachment and safety as we grow up. As kids we play but get agitated if mom leaves the room. On the playground we wander away but look back to make sure mom is still watching us and smiling. As we grow we become more and more independent from our parents, but it’s within the framework of knowing we are safe in their hands. But when our parents are authoritarian, strict, restricting, condemning, then what is supposed to be our source of safety also becomes a source of fear and feeling unsettled. And as children, we have no one else to turn to in order to get away from that fear. So we grow up in a way we aren’t supposed to – having to turn towards the person who also wounds us, and having to trust the person who we don’t feel safe with in the way we are supposed to.

Talk about internal conflict!

This can create what some call “unbearable sensations” within us, where we are simply trapped with no way out. Looking for safety but only finding fear. Forcing ourselves to walk towards the source of fear while our own bodies and minds are telling us to turn away. This kind of gut-twisting tension within that we experience as children can stay with us well into our adulthood if we never find a way to identify it, or work through it or process it. Because you have mentioned both a difficult parenting situation, as well as the backdrop of the local church, I think I would recommend counseling/therapy to you regarding these two things in particular, if you haven't done so already. (Keep in mind I’m not diagnosing anything here, and I’m not a medical professional recommending this to you. I’m just a person.) I frankly think that every person on the planet could benefit from counseling at some point, so you’re just a normal part of the human race on this one. If you try counseling, you will know when you’ve found a good counselor. It may be hard to find one that really understands the type of church the LC is, but it’s worth finding someone who does because it sounds like that informed your parents’ parenting style. If a counselor makes you feel bad or worse, drop them like they are hot. I asked around for recommendations in looking for mine, and found one that I can bring up horrible things I would rather keep in a dark corner to, and yet receive only understanding, compassion, and grace in return. That’s what you are looking for in a counselor.

Anyway, sorry I missed the parent aspect before. Hope some of this helps or aligns with your experience in some way.

Trapped