Chin up :)

Your love for the Lord rings through, Stella. And yes, He deeply loves you. He loves you perfectly. Perhaps He is loving you as He loved the children of Israel. In such a love, He led them purposefully in a downward direction. He led through a desert in which there was no natural water. He led them to Marah, to bitterness. There they learned that not only were their circumstances were bitter, but that in their own being there was bitterness, and that their being was bitter. Why did He do this? To heal them of their diseases: pride, lack of God's love for man: all of this was present in us before our salvation. "I am Jehovah who heals you." Without the exposing there is no healing.

What changes sometimes is simply that the Lord is going on in His transformation work. We passed one stage and go to another. It becomes impossibly hard. The Lord allowed the seeker in Song of Songs to be beaten by the watchmen, those who were supposed to watch over her soul. He allowed Jacob to suffer the mind-boggling situation of his sons slaughtering a people after his daughter was defiled.
May the Lord minister to you what you need so He can gain what He needs.