Chin up :)

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Hi Stella, I grieve with you. How was it "truly...a beloved home" for 7 years? What changed?

Thank you for asking, and also, thank all of you for your kind words of support!! They mean a lot to me.

Before I respond, I'd like to clarify a few things. I’m going to try and be as objective as possible. Wish me luck. My intention here is not to spark more debate or to be contentious or ugly. I’m going to do my best not to make blanket statements about the saints or the local churches—I can only speak about my own personal experience. I also won’t go into tons of detail. There’s a lot I’m still processing, and I don’t want to be too rash.

So, to answer the first question, I met a small handful of LC members who were part of a campus ministry team when I was a freshman in college. I was young, vulnerable, already quite skeptical about God and organized religion, and dealing with a painful family situation. The saints fed me, housed me, and loved on me throughout my college years. Being around Christians with stable home lives, babies to cuddle, who loved the Bible and “walked the walk” made me feel safe, hopeful, and happy. I look back on that time with warmth and gratitude.

That being said, the first warning signs came early on. I’m a researcher by nature and by education, and came across “poison” on the Internet about the local churches and Witness Lee about 6 months after meeting the saints. I was obviously horrified to read things about cults and brainwashing and college students like myself being taken advantage of. I addressed what I had found with a sister in the LC right away, and I cannot emphasize this next part enough:

She was honest with me. She did not shut me down or turn me away. She and her husband were faithful to answer my many questions to the best of their ability. And she gave me a choice. I could stay or leave. It was up to me. I chose to stay. I chose to start meeting with the local church. I chose to attend the FTTA. I chose to do campus ministry for a year and a half. I chose all of those things. No one forced my hand.

Was there outside influence? Was I encouraged to do all of that? Was I up against something much larger than myself? Undoubtedly. But when it came down to it, I cannot and will not blame anybody. I believed I was following the Lord. All I wanted was to show my love for Him and please Him, to be absolute for Him.

And just like I chose to stay, I chose to leave. I had developed an elitist attitude toward other Christians, including my own family members. My relationship with my mother was especially damaged due to my pride. I couldn’t stomach the sexism and unsupportive, even antagonistic, stance toward the LGBTQ community. I didn’t want to participate in the whole “secret courting” thing when the time came…it just didn’t make sense to me. I could never really get behind the exclusivity of reading the works of Witness Lee and Watchman Nee (or if you were feeling adventurous, the trusted Christian pioneers mentioned within their books), the Recovery Version translation, etc. Mostly by the end I felt used up and far away from God. I gave all that I could, and I was left exhausted, depressed, and brokenhearted over the loss of a way of life that I thought would be permanent. Maybe these seem like crummy reasons that some would say I need to pray through or trust what the Bible says or get out of my mind about. Please believe me when I say I tried. I begged for God's mercy. I guess, for me, mercy took the form of leaving when it became harmful to stay.

I don't know how much I plan to participate on the forum in the future, but I couldn't stand the thought of being one more person that was silenced or living in fear. (Even though I'm here under an assumed name, these words still count, right?! Ha.) I struggle with the Bible these days, but I'm remembering a beautiful verse tonight. There's no fear in love. Perfect love casts out fear.

Let's all keep moving into the light, friends. Thank you for reading. I stand with all of you.

[Evangelical]

Hi Stella,

I am wondering what you mean by "unsupportive" of the LGBTQ community:

Originally Posted by stella

I couldn’t stomach the sexism and unsupportive, even antagonistic, stance toward the LGBTQ community.

Your love for the Lord rings through, Stella. And yes, He deeply loves you. He loves you perfectly. Perhaps He is loving you as He loved the children of Israel. In such a love, He led them purposefully in a downward direction. He led through a desert in which there was no natural water. He led them to Marah, to bitterness. There they learned that not only were their circumstances were bitter, but that in their own being there was bitterness, and that their being was bitter. Why did He do this? To heal them of their diseases: pride, lack of God's love for man: all of this was present in us before our salvation. "I am Jehovah who heals you." Without the exposing there is no healing.

What changes sometimes is simply that the Lord is going on in His transformation work. We passed one stage and go to another. It becomes impossibly hard. The Lord allowed the seeker in Song of Songs to be beaten by the watchmen, those who were supposed to watch over her soul. He allowed Jacob to suffer the mind-boggling situation of his sons slaughtering a people after his daughter was defiled.
May the Lord minister to you what you need so He can gain what He needs.

[aron]

Chin up, stella. Your journey matters to God.

When you can, chin down, eyes closed, heart turned. Pray. Contact the Lord. Converse with Him. He will remind you of your surely many consecrations through the years. He will not force you, but He wants to finish what He begun 7 years ago. Yes, it only gets harder. He doesn't remove the obstacles but increases the level of grace. He doesn't want to conform you to religiosity in whatever form. But He wants to conform you to the mold of His death. To bring you to resurrection. Then you will have resurrection life to supply to your mom, to the unbelievers, to the believers. Then you can be built with the believers. Jacob comes to Bethel twice. First time in a dream. Second time in actuality and practicality. I believe you saw the dream, you have seen the vision. Now it is the matter of actuality and practicality.You can be in Bethel permanently. But you have to pay whatever price of your soul life the Lord is gently asking.