Guilt is eating at me like a starving rat

[aron]

Originally Posted by stillseekingtruth

I’m ashamed to admit I keep up appearances to maintain peace with my aunt and while I agree that the LC has many cult-like tendencies it is the only “way” I’ve known. I gave myself to Christ and the church (meaning the LC) to go to a denomination is worse than pursuing on my own.

It’s like getting a divorce and not being allowed to ‘remarry’ because the ‘divorce’ wasn’t legit or hasn’t ‘gone through.’ Deep within I still hold onto that ridiculous belief that the LC is the only way. I don’t even know why. It’s truly an enigma to me- these thoughts that consume and contradict.

This kind of post is important to the discussion as it shows the dilemma people are in, trying to dis-entangled from the web that's the LC. It's a social web, family and friends, occasionally a financial web (housing, job) and a thought-web, with the subject unable to be "positive" toward non-LC Christian fellowship because they're "Babylonian" and God hates Babylon.

One knows something's wrong but can't figure out what, and concludes that it's actually oneself that failed, rather than the system that's ensnared them. This post is important because most get so discouraged at that point they don't even speak up. They just go crawl in a hole. This person spoke up, in the midst of the paranoia and confusion.

It took me years to dis-entangle. Here is my story.

I think every kid just wants someone to tell them that they're loved. I ended up "looking for love in all the wrong places" as the saying goes. Somehow I ended up in church, trying to turn my sorry life around. I knew I was "wrong", a sinner. But the pastor only shook my hand at the door, after the Sunday sermon was over.

Then I came into the LC and got 'love-bombed' and sucked into the vortex.

Eventually I left, and looking back I think there were two main reasons. First, I got in an snit with the FTTA 'trainer' about serving the poor. Jesus taught to give to those who can't repay you in this age, and your reward will be great in the age to come. But the LSM employee told us, "Don't waste your time". I rebuffed his speaking with verses, in front of the group. It clearly didn't go over too well... I knew this was deemed 'independent' but I felt like I was being 'dependent', on the Bible that is. But the experience marked me out, that I had some inner 'truth' or 'voice' and wouldn't let go.

Second, after all the shouting and fist pumping died down, after all the 'perfecting' and 'training' was done, my problems and phobias resurfaced, and the inner demons started crying out again. It got real bad, and I was troubled. I went to the 'brothers', one by one, and one by one they made it clear that they weren't interested in listening to my problems. So really, there was no love there. So I left.

But I had all the teachings in my head. I was fully programmed, believe me. I'd go into a Christian meeting and they'd talk about something, and I'd be like, "That's not God's economy." I knew nothing of Philip Lee, of Daystar and the Young Galileans and the Little Bankers and the New Move. Years later, I met someone from the LC and they said, "Titus Chu rebelled" and I looked it up on the internet and here I am.

But it took a lot of work. And I imagine there's a long way to go. One day at a time.

Originally Posted by stillseekingtruth

It's so difficult to know what's 'real.' I so often find myself repeating Pilate's question, "What is truth?" What is it to believe? Where does our belief come from? How much responsibility do we truly have as man? The way that the BB's twisted doctrine and scripture to make it sound like they were the final authority it's audacious.

Yet, I'm trapped. I'm caught up in the sticky web of lies and I can't distinguish what is true anymore. Where are you, Oh my God? Are you even real? Yes. I know He's real. Yes. I see Him in His word and in creation, but who am I? Why did God choose me? What is my reponsiblity in this relationship?

I saw a documentary clip the other day, about a guy on tv named "Mr Rogers", who ran children's variety show on PBS -- someone did an interview with this black guy from Youngstown Ohio, like 60 years old, successful and articulate adult man of the world. They're asking him about what Mr. Rogers meant back then, and he's talking about what it was like being 7 or 8 years old in Youngstown, and being in his house, and Mr Rogers came on the telly.

The guy says, "No man had ever told me that I was loved before", and he starts crying. This is an adult man, 50 years later... Mr Rogers used to tell each kid listening, that they mattered, that they were ok, that they were exactly what and who they were supposed to be. He liked them just the way they were. And this kid didn't have anyone telling him that. But Mr. Rogers' voice reached him. Or, God's love through Mr. Rogers' voice reached him. And even remembering back through time, he could still feel the love.

To me, that's what it's all about. Just find someone a little worse off than you, your proverbial neighbor. Listen to them. Pay attention. Show them that you care. Show them that they do indeed matter. When you do, God's love will meet you there. Yes, Jesus and the Bible is important. But without love it's nothing. And we all can love. If we show love, we get love. That was the core of Jesus' teaching. And everything he did, everything he was, demonstrated this.

The Father loved us so much that He sent His Son. I mean, that's it.