I've Decided to Leave The Recovery and Not Look Back

Hello,

I've decided to leave the recovery and not look back. I am a young adult, and I am curious if anyone has any experience telling their parents and or family about their decisions. I'm worried that I will lose them as the recovery conditions its members to look down on outsiders and those who have left. I also worry that if I go into details it will turn into an argument rather than a good faith conversation as these people hold the recovery so near and dear to their hearts. Would love to hear what people have to say on how to tell your family / parents about leaving.

[HERn]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Hello,

I've decided to leave the recovery and not look back. I am a young adult, and I am curious if anyone has any experience telling their parents and or family about their decisions. I'm worried that I will lose them as the recovery conditions its members to look down on outsiders and those who have left. I also worry that if I go into details it will turn into an argument rather than a good faith conversation as these people hold the recovery so near and dear to their hearts. Would love to hear what people have to say on how to tell your family / parents about leaving.

Wow! Tough decision coming your way. Do you need to announce your decision right now, or can you just over time slip away?

[HERn]

When I left I didn’t have parents to worry about. First it was just my wife and I shared my heart, conscience, evidence and reasons for leaving with her. I prayed with trembling hoping not to lose my wife. We prayed and talked and she saw the same LC sins, sicknesses and heresy that I saw and we both knew we could not in good conscience continue to be affiliated with a religious group claiming to be the top Christ followers on earth that had two masters: Christ and the church; Christ and the ministry; Christ and the Minister of the Age. By having more than Christ as their master the LC had demonstrated that it had left its first love and had no ground to shepherd our Christian lives. We also gently explained ourselves to adult relatives and friends in the LC. Some tried to intimidate us by inquiring about the “health” of our children, marriage and ability to go on with the Lord. One even said that my wife would be my salvation if she refused my leadership and prayer to leave the LC. We both knew that Christ is our only salvation, our salvation is not remaining in the LC. So, unlike your case we did not have parents or “controlling” adults that could cause us emotional harm.

[OBW]

It will probably depend on where you live and how you leave. If you just leave, don't cut off contact with your family, and don't bring up why, you have a chance. If they ask, you can tell them a little. Tell them something true and meaningful (to you personally, not just general) but somehow indicate that you don't want it to be a family barrier. Best not to talk about the group simply being a cult. Leave any more detailed discussion for later when you are both calmer and clearer.

The reason that I mention where you live, the particular elders in your city will be a factor. While we were in the hotbed of Texas (DFW area), the primary elders there were not likely to get involved unless there was a lot of negativity stated at the time. And we just wanted a change and were left alone. And I think the elders knew better than to try to inject themselves into our extended family on the issue.

In my case, our family (Dad, Mom, me, and younger brother and sister) joined together at the beginning of 73. I and my wife (met in LC) left together in August 87. We didn't talk about it with them then. Still did some family things with them (all still in the same metro area). But in about 2006 the subject finally came up. Since we then had a 19-year history of civility from the outside, the 1-1/2 hour of "dumping on them" (which was not personal about them) was difficult but did not close the door. My Mom died only about a year and a half later, and then in about 2012/2013, my Dad got fed up and began to attend a Bible church. Brother (an elder, I think) and sister and their families still mostly there. We have again moved to leaving the LC as the elephant in the room. Back after it first came up, my sister tried to ask a question, but my honest answer was not what she expected and it dropped.

There are several other experiences, but they are probably somewhat unique to the dynamic of our extended family.

[Trapped]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Hello,

I've decided to leave the recovery and not look back. I am a young adult, and I am curious if anyone has any experience telling their parents and or family about their decisions. I'm worried that I will lose them as the recovery conditions its members to look down on outsiders and those who have left. I also worry that if I go into details it will turn into an argument rather than a good faith conversation as these people hold the recovery so near and dear to their hearts. Would love to hear what people have to say on how to tell your family / parents about leaving.

Hi unregistered young adult,

I wish there was some kind of step-by-step formula to follow to make navigating the parental/family minefield, but from the experiences I've heard each one seems to be fairly unique. It's a mix of 1) your existing relationship with them, 2) how deeply or loosely they hold "the church" part of "Christ and the church" above family, 3) your specific reasons for leaving, 4) whether you already have your own life fully separate from them and they can't see in real-time that you've faded away from the LC, or if you are more under their observation and will notice right away, 5) and sometimes whether or not you remain a Christian or are also setting aside the Christian faith. All those and more go into the mix and produce a situation-specific result.

My response is assuming you are retaining belief in God and have a decent relationship with your parents.

Whatever your details for leaving are will affect responses. Things like "I just came to a point where I was miserable" seem a little harder to refute because...well....you're just miserable. They can try to blame you for not "living Christ" or something like that, but the bottom line is you are miserable, and are just at the point where you have to do something to no longer be miserable. Things like, "I think the whole concept of one church, one city is wrong and divisive and unbiblical and prevents us from being one with the rest of the body of Christ" will most likely produce an argument, as you say. Things like, "I was totally shocked to observe Ron Kangas's hellfire threats in response to Jo Casteel's facebook post and realized somewhere along the way the love of God has gotten packed away in a dusty corner and it's scary that we can't even have basic disagreements or concerns in this place" may actually produce productive conversations......who knows. There are so many potential paths based on your specifics for leaving.

I don't know what your relationship with your parents is like. Maybe they are the reason you are leaving, who knows? But I am assuming you have at least a semi-good relationship, given that you are concerned about this. I think the main thing to emphasize is that your leaving the LC, from your side, does not affect your love, your gratitude, your relationship, and your desire to be there for your parents. If you build that bridge to them from your side, that's all you can do. If they knock that bridge down, if they refuse to build the other half of the bridge from their side so it connects with yours in the middle, then that is a sin on their part and they are responsible for that before God. You can still honor them in how you treat them and talk to them about leaving, and "as much as is possible, be at peace with all men". If you are respectful and caring on your side, then you've done all you can do.

I know for some people there is a worry of, essentially, breaking your parents' heart. Their heart may be so tied up in "the recovery" that you don't want to "hurt" them by letting them know of your decision. They might not cut you off or become contentious or get angry, but just may be devastated and sad. If you are still a Christian, then drive that home. Let them know that you still have a relationship with God and with the Lord Jesus, and that is the most important thing. If you are no longer a Christian, drive home your love and respect for them. Keep laying the family foundation. The best thing for any LC member or parent is to see someone who has left continuing to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit in their life. It knocks the pegs out of the wrong belief that former members should be looked down upon.

I wish you all the best. The fact that leaving the LC produces these kind of hand-wringing situations is another good reason to leave the LC.......

Please update us if you'd like.

Trapped

Thanks for the responses. I think it’s best to go the route of non confrontational. What did Ron say to Jo Casteel?

[JJ]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Hello,

I've decided to leave the recovery and not look back. I am a young adult, and I am curious if anyone has any experience telling their parents and or family about their decisions. I'm worried that I will lose them as the recovery conditions its members to look down on outsiders and those who have left. I also worry that if I go into details it will turn into an argument rather than a good faith conversation as these people hold the recovery so near and dear to their hearts. Would love to hear what people have to say on how to tell your family / parents about leaving.

My identical twin brother is still in the LC. I explained my reason for leaving when I left the LC. It was a very tense conversation and I couldn’t convince him. But, the Lord had showed me through a dream that I wouldn’t be able to convince him but needed to leave myself. We have maintained a good relationship and fellowship often in spite of our disagreement over the LC.

[Recovering]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Hello,

I've decided to leave the recovery and not look back. I am a young adult, and I am curious if anyone has any experience telling their parents and or family about their decisions. I'm worried that I will lose them as the recovery conditions its members to look down on outsiders and those who have left. I also worry that if I go into details it will turn into an argument rather than a good faith conversation as these people hold the recovery so near and dear to their hearts. Would love to hear what people have to say on how to tell your family / parents about leaving.

This is my first post on-forum. I am mid-40s and have grown up in the LCs and strongly identified with LC culture until ~10 yrs ago. In the last year the cognitive dissonance between the LSM publications with its associated church life culture and our reading of Scripture and experience with other Christians. I signed up to get some help and context earlier this year when my wife and I made our exit. Our experience, while not particularly easy for us and still somewhat unfolding, has relatively smooth compared to some of the other horror stories I have heard.

I have a good relationship with my parents and have made a point of maintaining it with regular calls and visits. I've practiced discussing concerns with them, and they heard from me when I couldn't swallow "culture is a result of the fall" or understand what, exactly the brothers meant by "Christ replacing culture" during the Thanksgiving 2020 conference. And when, from in front of the blue chalkboard, I heard the words "good is somewhat worse than evil, because it's deceptive", "It's deceptive to call it the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil", and other such contortions, we had another long talk, and I told them (along with the responsible brothers) that I could no longer represent the ministry as a "Responsible One" in my district and was stepping back from that role.

I took 3-4 months to do some due diligence to make sure I hadn't misunderstood what the brothers were saying. I read "The One Publication" and such books as "The Genuine Ground of Oneness" to see whether the church life cultural problems were a product of wrong practice (in which case there was some hope of reform) or of wrong teaching (in which case I needed to get out). In the end I concluded that the LC stance to other believers is fundamentally unhealthy and that trying to practice a proper understanding of fellowship in the Body of Christ was going to be like holding back the tide with a broom; possible for a small area, for a limited time, and with great expenditure of personal energy.

During a family gathering, my sister (who is on a different journey but with some similarities), my wife, and I presented these struggles to my parents and we let them know we were moving on from the LCs. I know it was especially hard for my mother not to feel like I/we were rejecting her and the way they had raised us. I affirmed that they had given us a good Christian upbringing, that I didn't regret growing up in the LCs (I don't), but I just don't agree with the claimed ground of oneness that has actually become a cause of division. It was an exhausting conversation, but we did our best to be respectful, loving and not get personal. My father in particular was very supportive, saying right at the beginning "this is not going to be a cause of division in our family." Surprisingly, in the end, we all prayed for the Lord's will to be done and for the Lord to use our departure for good.

In another surprise, and much to the credit of the other "ROs" in my district and the elder who supported us, when we met with them a few weeks later to let them know our decision and say goodbyes, they listened, didn't argue, and asked questions, including what they should learn from our departure. That was another honest but exhausting conversation. I was surprised again when they took the lead to pray for us and ask to Lord to use our departure for His will.

I know this is a substantially different narrative than many that have been posted on this forum. I'd like to offer hope that it may be possible to leave without a lot of negativity and damage. But even in a case like ours, when things went "smoothly" for the most part, it is still emotionally exhausting. The conversations with friends and acquaintances are not easy. I know that we will not hear from some of them again, and there is a sense of loss. My wife and I do a lot of processing together to talk through the transition, figuring out what to keep and what to discard, how to make sense of the experiences we had and how to move on in a new church community. So far, though, it has been like fresh air and sunshine to be released from the constant cognitive dissonance induced by things read in the HWMR and heard from the conferences, trainings and random repetitions from the dear saints on Sunday mornings. I would describe the tension I was feeling a year ago as a growing oppressive weight, like heavy clouds, affecting my mental health and my marriage. I don't miss that at all.

A lot depends on the state of your relationship with your family. It's important to create safety in conversations so people don't feel attacked or threatened personally. And it's important to realize that sometimes people respond in an ugly way because they don't feel safe, and it's critical for you to not take that personally. Our Lord is the Redeemer, the Healer, and the Father of us all. Lean on Him for the strength and wisdom to get through the hard conversations.

[Nell]

Thanks, for your excellent first post, LocalAustinite. It sounds like your family is grounded in "family". I think that's the way God intended our lives to be lived. Nothing can replace the loving care of a mother and father. Our families care for us in ways that "the church" never could. We were taught to take care of the church and God would take care of our family. Your testimony confirms the opposite is true.

Again, thanks for sharing.

Nell

[UtahGiant]

Seems, after some consideration I just have to accept their response. I am persuaded, perhaps enlightened that I shouldn’t list reasons why. It would transform the conversation into a debate or argument. I shall just tell them, and explain I’d rather not get into the details because it would be hard for us to have a proper discussion.

[Nell]

Originally Posted by UtahGiant

Seems, after some consideration I just have to accept their response. I am persuaded, perhaps enlightened that I shouldn’t list reasons why. It would transform the conversation into a debate or argument. I shall just tell them, and explain I’d rather not get into the details because it would be hard for us to have a proper discussion.

It’s not easy. With my elderly parents we never discussed anything at all about “it”. So this kept the peace. Eventually they were at a point in their lives that all I had to do to make them happy was…walk in the door, and their faces lit up! Now I have sweet memories of those times. Soon they needed me for more practical things. I am so grateful to the Lord that I was there for them. I chose them over going to meetings.

Blessings to you and your family,
Nell

[HERn]

“I am so grateful to the Lord that I was there for them. I chose them over going to meetings.“

This is a testimony of a God-woman.