Did you also have a difficult childhood in the LC?

[ISeeCrazyPeople]

Hi everyone. I am looking forward to sharing my experiences of the LC with you and hopefully receiving some feedback. I am glad to finally (after many years) have a way to get some of this off of my chest and possibly find others who can relate to me. I am going to avoid talking about much that is spiritual and focus on what my life was like growing up in the LC. I will admit though, after reading many of the other posts, I am somewhat nervous about what types of reactions I may receive. If I’m honest with you and myself, I am no longer a devout Christian (though I question whether I ever was-I was really just always told what to believe. I don’t remember anyone at home or church ever asking me or caring what I really thought. I was basically told “This is the truth. This is what we believe. End of story”). Though there was some attempt to say.. “we aren’t forcing you, we WANT you to WANT to believe.. Oh , but if you don’t believe, you are wrong.” I know many people on here are serious Christians, and that’s great. I also saw someone post who is atheist, and so at least I know I will probably not be kicked off for having a different way of thinking. This is one of the things that I believe was most damaging to me- feeling like nobody cared what I really thought.

Here is my background: I was a “church kid” who grew up in the local churches. My parents joined the church before I was born (not sure precisely when), and raised myself and my siblings in it. We went through a period of just having home church with two families, and then moved to an area with a slightly bigger church (still not large- on Sundays there were maybe 30 people there at most). I left this church around my early 20s. My parents also left, though they are still pretty serious and close-minded evangelical Christians. I actually envy people who are serious about their faith. I simply am not. I have tried to be, but I can not force myself- I could get into this more, but I won’t right now.
I guess since my feelings towards the church were mostly negative from the get go, I don’t share similar experiences to many of those who joined Christians on campus and then decided the church was a cult several years later. My experiences were starting from childhood. I had no choice. There were some positive things.. but let me tell you some of my negative experiences, since I have held this back for years:
As a young child, my parents had quite an authoritarian parenting style. I now realize much of this stemmed from the teachings in the LC. We were taught that anything that is “of the world” is not of God. This may sound somewhat mainstream Christian, but the way this was taught to me, was much more literal. In my household, we did not celebrate most holidays. They were considered "wordly." Christmas was not of God. Halloween was a definite NO. We used to hide in the basement when other kids were trick-or-treating and put up curtains and turn off the lights so people thought we weren’t home. We never decorated for holidays. Once I was in public school (though I was homeschooled off and on), I was pulled out of anything related to holidays. I had to sit off to the side with the special needs kids while other kids sang “Jingle Bells” and other festive songs on stage for school celebrations. I was extremely sheltered and didn’t know much about most modern music, movies, TV shows, or even participate in many normal activities with school friends (such as playing at their house- maybe fear I would be exposed to something inappropriate). One time, I think it was 9th grade, a teacher asked us to bring in our favorite CD for an English class project. I had NONE. This happened for another class too. I was often so embarrassed to be different. And instead of openly admitting it in front of everyone, I was scared and tried to hide it and just hoped nobody noticed. It is challenging to go through most of your childhood hoping people don’t notice who you really are. And I know I’m not the only one, and know there are other reasons people might feel this way.
( I am starting to feel guilt just writing all of this down.. as if admitting I was unhappy is sinful. I know there are people who had it much worse-abuse, poverty, etc.)

But, I will continue.
Because I was so sheltered, and felt so different from my peers at school, I had some difficulty making friends. I didn’t go to school dances or engage in many activities with my peers outside of school. I wasn’t 100% sure my parents had strictly told me I wasn’t allowed to do certain things, but I was pretty sure through their general attitude (probably stemming from LC doctrine), that I was not allowed, so usually never bothered to ask. I think just fear of being wordly and sinful prevented me from doing many normal things.

I’m not sure how many people feel the same way. To me, many other church kids were content with the church. But it seemed my parents were more strict than theirs. Or maybe they were happy and said “praise the LORD! We don’t need or want those worldly activities.” Not sure?
Anyway, now that I have kids of my own, I try very hard to be open with them and ensure they are comfortable with expressing themselves. It is amazing how totally different childhood is when children are allowed to be themselves. My daughter is a free spirit. She’s strong and amazing. Not scared and quiet and reserved like I was. I am certainly not a perfect parent. And I’m concerned that I am raising them without clear beliefs about God. This is because I personally do not know what the truth is for sure. How can anyone? (I’m guessing this might not be a popular attitude here just based off of the other posts). My current quest is to seek truth, but on my own. I don’t think anyone can do that for me. I don’t think I can force my kids or anyone else. I’m not against churches or the bible.. but I am now probably what one would classify as Agnostic. This is not a cry for people to preach the gospel to me (please don’t), it is just to see if anyone else has had similar experiences/feelings. On a side note, I have young kids, and barely have time to write this, read the bible, do much but try to be a good parent and survive.
Thank you to anyone who read this! There is so much more I could share, but it would get even more long winded! Please feel free to leave comments or share any of your experiences. I would love that.