Can I be candid?

[KindnessNotBlindness]

Hi. I am new on here and joined after a sister I grew up with in the Recovery stumbled upon here. She too no longer meets. I was nervous about posting here because I am atheist and I do not want to be offensive to anyone. I am happy as an atheist. I do not know if there are many Black former saints on this forum. The reason I say that is because we are a minority in the church life and I would love to know if others share my experience.

Being a Black woman in the Recovery was very, very hard for me. Even though I stuck out I felt very ignored and invisible. I felt as though to be appropriate in the church life ( If I can be very candid) you had to be "whitewashed". There is a stepford wife cookie cutter image that I feel the saints have to adhere to, male and female and regardless of ethnicity. If you dress, talk, or act a certain way it is frowned upon and I have overheard certain saints say, " Oh give them some time or let so and so fellowship with them and that will change!". I have had many saints come up to me and ask why Black people "in the world" behave a certain way, why don't I straighten my hair, they have rolled their necks and called me Girlfriend (stereotype), and I have had several saints look at me in disgust. What did I do?

I was born into the church life. The second of four to Caribbean parents. My parents are still in even though my dad rarely meets ( none of the brothers care about his attendance, they don't check on him to see why he doesn't meet although my parents have given a LOT of money, maybe over a million to the church life and have taken care of so many saints) my siblings meet here and there but they are not watered and I am reasoning with them to leave. Especially my sister who went to FTTA ( I did too....a complete waste of two years) and came back with that ridiculous Southern California accent with the weird intonations that everybody gets in the training(ie the Kardashians).

I can't begin to tell the mountain of offenses I have turned my cheeks to. Including saints inboxing me on Facebook and begging me to vote Republican, brothers talking loudly while I'm giving my testimony, or me taking care of so many saints that don't reciprocate. The brothers in the church life are grandiose and ambitious believing they are owed a super model wife even though they are overweight and the sisters are miserable gossips stuck in "just turn to your spirit and enjoy the Lord" marriages. I don't mean all because that would not be fair.

There is a lot of elitism and I can't even begin to tell you the amount of promiscuity there is among the elders and leading ones children. One training an elder's son had to be kicked out of Grace Gardens because he brought Playboy magazines and was masterbating on his bed. The saints became to me robots who regurgitate what was shared in the meeting who say "Wow" and "hallelujah" to things that are so nonsensical. I can agree my heart is hurt and I am jaded but I can't believe in a "God" who continues to bless these people's behavior. Oh, the leading brothers act so humble but they definitely fly first class and vacation on saints money. Also, when we lived in Virginia a leading brother admitted to molesting his granddaughter and they told him to repent for 6 months and when he did not return they begged him to come back. I know this to be true . Nothing is private and sacred. The elders tell their wives everything and they tell the sisters and everybody knows. If you are a Black sister please date outside the Church life because you are last on the totem pole or not even considered. The men in the world treat you much better. Even after looking at the marriages men in the world are much better.

So this comes off as a rant even though I did not mean for it to be. I hope other former Black saints will share their experiences on this forum!