My Testimony

[New Beginnings]

My Testimony
By New Beginnings

I think it is time for me to give a testimony. This is extremely uncomfortable for me to be in the spotlight so to speak. However, I believe my testimony could potentially touch the lives of other sisters and it will also be a valuable step in my own healing process.

I was 19 years old when was first exposed to the LC. I had been a wild, free spirited teenager, loving and accepting everyone, very vulnerable. After a few years living in the drug-culture, I was seeking purpose and structure. I met my husband and he showed me the Word of God. And then he showed me the LSM. I remembering my first reaction to the ministry writings was complete confusion. It made no sense to me at all.
Then came the day I met the saints. My husband brought me to a LC wedding. Wow, there it was in front of me, the divine romance. It wasn’t long before I was captivated by the beauty of Christ and his church. I was a young girl in love with Jesus and in love with my husband for bringing me there.
All through my engagement and the first year of my marriage, I was more or less happy. I attended many meetings and fulfilled many of the requirements of the ministry. I did prophesy occasionally, although this was always a struggle for me. It never felt authentic.
When my son was born, there was an instantaneous change in me. A mother’s intuition they call it. This is a very real and powerful thing. It began to tell me that something was very wrong. However the more my intuition called to me, the more trapped I became. I was told that my feelings were wrong. I was told they were satan’s attacks. I became stuck in a cycle of shame and negativity.
This is such a key point. “DON’T BE NEGATIVE!” In the early years of my marriage, I remember arguing with my husband, pleading with him to understand that it is not wrong for me to have feelings. I was told I was crazy and stupid.
Now I want to say before I go on, I do not presume that all LC homes are abusive. Although I believe there is a likelihood that some are. This is only my experience.
Sisters have an amazing ability to forget pain. Take childbirth for instance, I have four beautiful children so I know this well. Women in abusive situations find a way to survive. I hid the pain, denied it, I distracted myself from it. I did everything I could do resist the negative truths in my situation. In the end, after 12 years. I had no self-confidence, sense of self-worth or love for myself.
Now here is where Faith comes in. Faith is such an abstract concept for me. I struggle with it greatly. I am such a concrete thinker. Yet the Lord showed me what Faith can be for me. For me, it was tiny steps out of my comfort zone. I take these steps feeling very afraid but knowing that I must. A huge step for me was to accept a leadership position in a new Christian homeschool Co-op. This connected me with other Christians and gave me just a little more self-confidence. Around this time, the Lord began arranging my circumstances in a ways that I could not ignore.
One very key event for me involves my brother-in-law. For most of the time that I have known him, he never said but a few words to me. I always perceived this must be because he didn’t like me. Very recently though, he opened up in conversation with me. The reason he never spoke to me was because he couldn’t. Wow! In fact my husband’s entire family struggles in communication. But my brother had left the LC years ago. He is opening his mind and learning so much.
This fact in itself gave me a glimmer of hope. But what my brother did next rocked my world. He stood up for me in the presence of my husband. He expressed his concern for the condition of our family life. He revealed how damaging growing up in an abusive situation really was. And he looked my husband in the eyes and told him, “You should listen to your wife because you have a very smart wife, you don’t know how lucky you are.”
Looking back on my life, this was probably the only time I have every had a man stand up for me.
Now I still have a long road ahead of me and I don’t know how it is going to end. But confidence and faith seem to have a snowballing effect. Step by step, day by day, my faith grows. It is hard not to fall back into the trap of shame and negativity. But I have learned something valuable recently with the help of some persistent and kind brothers here on this forum. I had to accept my negativity. I had to meet all the pain and fear and hopelessness head on. I had to declare to myself that my negativity is not wrong. The reason that caused my negativity was wrong. I had to accept that I was a victim. This was so painful, but only from this desperate place could I ever find the Faith that moves mountains.

Dear sister,
I assume I'm much younger than you but please know I'm praying for you. He will provide everything you need as you seek His kingdom and may you find comfort and peace in Him. Praying for your entire family.

[aron]

Originally Posted by New Beginnings

I was seeking purpose and structure..

Not to over-generalize, but it's natural for young adults to want excitement, newness, and to experiment with reckless living and doing the opposite of what our parents and "society" demands. Yet soon thereafter we yearn for stability and structure.

The LSM local church, initially, seems to fit that desire to a "t". The problem eventually becomes that it is SO structured that you can't breathe! You can't think, or grow, or experiment. It has all the structure and stability of a museum, or a cemetery. You get purpose, allright, but it is someone else's purpose and plan, not yours. Thus the ill-fitting aspect of it.

Originally Posted by New Beginnings

I met my husband and he showed me the Word of God. And then he showed me the LSM...

The Word of God becomes an entry point for the teachings of LSM. Then a sleight-of-hand manoeuvre follows, in which the Word is left behind and one is ensnared and indeed mesmerised by "the ministry", which although strongly related to the Word in many aspects, is not related to the Word in many others. See my comments, below.

Originally Posted by New Beginnings

I was told that my feelings were wrong. I was told they were satan’s attacks. I became stuck in a cycle of shame and negativity. This is such a key point. “DON’T BE NEGATIVE!”

This is indeed key; it is essential to the defense of the LC thought-control programme. Any attempt to examine it objectively, and point out flaws, inconsistencies or lacks, is called being "an opposer" or "an attack". Yet the LC thought-programme is built upon pointing out the flaws and lacks of every other! Thus, one is led to conclude that a) the LC has the only valid thought-programme in existence, and b) anything that might challenge point 'a' is intrinsically invalid, i.e. sourced from your fallen human "feelings".

Yet the fact that the Bible is merely a means to an end can be seen where the LSM's LC 'church-life' deviates from the Biblical script. There are literally dozens of examples; I won't bore you. Peruse this site sometime.

Okay, here's one, if you insist. "It is the age of small potatoes; the age of spiritual giants is over." We were told this upon Witness Lee's demise. This is entirely from oriental culture, and has no biblical analog whatsoever that I can see. No attempt was made to connect it to scripture. Yet it was accepted without protest or question, because it was essential to the preservation and continuation of the hermetically-sealed LC thought-system.

Originally Posted by New Beginnings

It is hard not to fall back into the trap of shame and negativity...

Many of us do, often. That is part of the struggle. Look at Peter! He followed the Lord daily for several years, yet one night he ended up in darkness, weeping bitterly with confusion, shame and sorrow. Do you think your journey is exempt from such failures? Good luck with that!

The key, for me, is 'don't give up'. The enemy wants you to quit. "Curse God and die", per Job's wife's advice. No- "whether I live, or whether I die, I am the Lord's". This was Paul's advice, and it is a good word.

Secondly, forgive others. If you forgive others' failures, God will forgive yours. Jesus said this repeatedly. This is not an invitation to failure and sin; no it is rather an acknowledgement that no matter how we struggle to "be holy, as your God is holy", the sinners nearby us are much closer in proximity, while we yet live in the flesh of sin, than the holy God in heaven. So forgive them, bear with them, be patient and kind to them, and you will provide the righteous God a vehicle to extend the same mercy to you. "As you do to others, God will do to you."

Peace & God bless.

[New Beginnings]

Originally Posted by aron

So forgive them, bear with them, be patient and kind to them, and you will provide the righteous God a vehicle to extend the same mercy to you. "As you do to others, God will do to you."
.

This is why I needed so badly to see the "whole picture" objectively. My family and I are broken people. I cannot blame them for being broken. Knowing what really happened allows me to forgive them and love them all the more.

This will have to be a daily practice for me and won't be easy. But now that I understand, I cannot hold on to resentment.

[New Beginnings]

I have to say, it is an awkward dynamic in an online community such as this.
Nameless, faceless people discussing such deep and personal things. I know it was probably a bit uncomfortable for you all to reach out to someone in such desperate need. I am eternally grateful for all of you and what you have done for me. Sorry to sound cheesy, but this is a Christmas I will never forget.

Peace and Merry Christmas!

[Ohio]

I have to say, it is an awkward dynamic in an online community such as this.

Nameless, faceless people discussing such deep and personal things. I know it was probably a bit uncomfortable for you all to reach out to someone in such desperate need. I am eternally grateful for all of you and what you have done for me. Sorry to sound cheesy, but this is a Christmas I will never forget.

Peace and Merry Christmas to you also!

And here is the message announced by the angel of the Lord to you:

Do not fear, for behold I bring you good news of great joy for all people!
Because a Savior was born to you in the city of David, Who is Christ the Lord. -- (Luke 2.9-11)

How can we be silent when people are hurting? This is what this forum is for. God bless you and your family.

[TLFisher]

Originally Posted by New Beginnings

I did prophesy occasionally, although this was always a struggle for me. It never felt authentic.

It's not authentic because it's not your experience. Many can testify to your experience. When you prophesy, it's not your testimony nor experience. It's what is culturally acceptable to group think. In this specific application of group think, it's whatever is published by LSM.
It wasn't always this way. There was a time where instead of prophesying, there was testifying according to your daily experience of Christ throughout the week. Presently Holy Word for Morning revival negates what is authentic and sincere. In my experience, public speaking is difficult. With preparation something can be spoken for HWFMR, but it's not authentic. It's someone else's words and not necessarily my experience.

[HERn]

Originally Posted by Terry

It's not authentic because it's not your experience. Many can testify to your experience. When you prophesy, it's not your testimony nor experience. It's what is culturally acceptable to group think. In this specific application of group think, it's whatever is published by LSM.
It wasn't always this way. There was a time where instead of prophesying, there was testifying according to your daily experience of Christ throughout the week. Presently Holy Word for Morning revival negates what is authentic and sincere. In my experience, public speaking is difficult. With preparation something can be spoken for HWFMR, but it's not authentic. It's someone else's words and not necessarily my experience.

Some of the leaders in the recovery follow WL in a cult-like way by saying we don't need to speak of anything except what was written by WL, just be a WL tape recorder, only speak the ministry. If the elders in your LC think like this, then quickly leave the closest exit.

'Some of the leaders in the recovery follow WL in a cult-like way by saying we don't need to speak of anything except what was written by WL, just be a WL tape recorder, only speak the ministry.'
trained dogs. declare themselves 'gods'

[New Beginnings]

Originally Posted by HERn

If the elders in your LC think like this, then quickly leave the closest exit.

I wish I could. But I cannot clearly see an exit anywhere.

The truth has set me free but this is only a state of mind. Physically I am still a captive.

How can I love from a place of fear.

[HERn]

Originally Posted by New Beginnings

I wish I could. But I cannot clearly see an exit anywhere.

The truth has set me free but this is only a state of mind. Physically I am still a captive.

How can I love from a place of fear.

I'm sorry that I posted that under your thread. It was not directed at you. I understand the difficulties of leaving when family is involved. My exit took several months and I was the husband. Theoretically we should be able to love from any place, but in some situations it is impossible without grace. If you've never read Corry Tenboom's book the Hiding Place she writes about love in a difficult place. Please be patient and allow the Lord to work out an exit. The Lord understands your situation as a wife, and has great love for the "captives".

[Ohio]

Originally Posted by HERn

The Lord understands your situation as a wife, and has great love for the "captives".

This reminds me of Paul's fellowship in I Corinthians 7 ...

Were you a slave when called? Don't be anxious about it. (But if you can gain your freedom, avail yourself of the opportunity.)

For he who was called in the Lord as a slave is the Lord's freedman. Conversely, he who was free when called is Christ's slave.

You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men.

So, brothers and sisters, in whatever condition you were called, there let them remain with God.

The bolded part above is the real message. The goal of the LC program (and, for that matter, every man-made system in this world today) is to bring us under human subjection and bondage. Those who are most free in this world today, are not those skipping on the beach, dancing in the party, or cruising in their luxury yacht, but those who have been set free within their hearts by the Spirit of the Lord while in any circumstance of our Father's choosing.

Reminds me of Paul and Silas late at night singing and praising in prison, after they had been publicly beaten unrighteously. (Acts 16)