My Testimony: Seeker

[Seeker1]

May 10, 2013

It has been many years since the time of my meeting with the brothers and sisters of the local churches. Though, at the time, I sensed some things that troubled me, the greater concern was with my own self: struggles with unbelief; worldly lust; resistance to the Lord's speaking, contrariness, etc. I was immature in the Lord, relatively new, wanting to have a deeper experience of Christ but unsure even of what I meant by that sentiment.

At the time, my wife was fully committed to the "church life" and I had two beautiful step-children (her children from a prior marriage), both of whom I loved (and still love) more than words could describe.

Going back...

Before my wife of this time-period and I were married we were together for a number of years. It was a tumultuous relationship, not physically violent in any way, but emotionally abusive and in other ways unhealthy. We had a deep and abiding love for one another--but never gave ourselves to trust. The pain and disappointment of our earlier, individual lives always seemed to intrude on the present, plunging each of us in turn into confusion and uncertainty which, of course, we then directed at each other.

She was saved first. And what an incredible transformation it was. As she became more and more involved with others who had recently been saved, and as I saw the uniqueness of their lives, I began to realize that I wanted the same thing. Besides, I thought, I don't want to lose this wonderful woman or the children I have grown to love as my own. Within a few months I confessed my sins to our Lord, asked His forgiveness, and accepted Him into my life. Little did I know...

She was committed; I was questioning. It has always been thus. After a few months she and most of our friends began meeting with a group of saved ones in Long Beach. I went a couple of times but realized that I was either not ready for the type of commitment I witnessed or unwilling to be; probably a combination of the two. Okay: mostly, my unwillingness. I have always been cautious, overly so; skeptical, needing some kind of "deeper" confirmation yet not always accepting it when it appears. A thorn of proportions; yet not the deepest or I would not have revealed it. I should say that since the time of our salvation we had not lived together. She lived with others and worked hard to raise the kids on a very meager income. I could afford to live on my own and although financially much better off than she, I was not by any means "comfortable". Nevertheless, I gave here what I could. You might wonder why we were not immediately married. See above.

Eventually circumstances led to her moving in with a couple in Torrance. We were seeing less of each other but were still considered by the people we knew as "a couple". If I could only "get my head straight..." they would say. See above.

One day, browsing the Used Book shelves in the "Spiritual" section of a small bookstore, (some of you may remember the kind: little Buddha statues on the counter; beads hanging from a door leading to the back; incense burning; Ravi Shankar softly in the background). I came across an old, beaten copy of a book entitled 'The Release of the Spirit' by a man named Watchman Nee. ("Strange name, interesting title", I thought). Even though I had met several or more times with this group that I later came to know as a 'local church' group, I had never heard the name Watchman Nee. Truth be told, I had not yet even heard the name of Witness Lee. Of course, that would all change. But what I read in that little book impacted me more than any other "Christian" books I had read.

With my lady ensconced in Torrance and me in Long Beach it was inevitable that we would see somewhat less of one another than had been normal. I even pulled away from the meetings in Long Beach, attended a couple of meetings in Torrance, but generally I just began to drift. It is now obvious that, at the time, my Love for the Lord was not as strong as my love for the world. Especially when I compared myself to the other saved ones. Nevertheless, there was something about the messages in those meetings, and the warmness of the people, that was so completely different from the sermons of the denominational churches or the so-called Free Churches I visited (Calvary was just being 'born') that I just could not get out of my mind. (I didn't understand it then, but those messages were messages of Christ in us).

Even though I knew she harbored a deep, sincere hope that we would marry I think she realized that we were moving farther apart. She was becoming secure in the church life; I was making my way back to Egypt.

Then, the phone call.

To be continued, for now I must go.

P.S.

To Steve and all other brothers and sisters who might be reading this. I realize I should not have begun this post on this particular topic page, but I hit the "Reply" button after reading Steve's initial message, not knowing exactly how I was going to repsond to his writing, and this is what happened. I know it should be on the "Introduction" page but I'm new here and don't know how to transfer it. Forgive me.