My Testimony

New Beginnings · 12-23-2015, 12:19 PM

My Testimony
By New Beginnings

I think it is time for me to give a testimony. This is extremely uncomfortable for me to be in the spotlight so to speak. However, I believe my testimony could potentially touch the lives of other sisters and it will also be a valuable step in my own healing process.

I was 19 years old when was first exposed to the LC. I had been a wild, free spirited teenager, loving and accepting everyone, very vulnerable. After a few years living in the drug-culture, I was seeking purpose and structure. I met my husband and he showed me the Word of God. And then he showed me the LSM. I remembering my first reaction to the ministry writings was complete confusion. It made no sense to me at all.
Then came the day I met the saints. My husband brought me to a LC wedding. Wow, there it was in front of me, the divine romance. It wasn’t long before I was captivated by the beauty of Christ and his church. I was a young girl in love with Jesus and in love with my husband for bringing me there.
All through my engagement and the first year of my marriage, I was more or less happy. I attended many meetings and fulfilled many of the requirements of the ministry. I did prophesy occasionally, although this was always a struggle for me. It never felt authentic.
When my son was born, there was an instantaneous change in me. A mother’s intuition they call it. This is a very real and powerful thing. It began to tell me that something was very wrong. However the more my intuition called to me, the more trapped I became. I was told that my feelings were wrong. I was told they were satan’s attacks. I became stuck in a cycle of shame and negativity.
This is such a key point. “DON’T BE NEGATIVE!” In the early years of my marriage, I remember arguing with my husband, pleading with him to understand that it is not wrong for me to have feelings. I was told I was crazy and stupid.
Now I want to say before I go on, I do not presume that all LC homes are abusive. Although I believe there is a likelihood that some are. This is only my experience.
Sisters have an amazing ability to forget pain. Take childbirth for instance, I have four beautiful children so I know this well. Women in abusive situations find a way to survive. I hid the pain, denied it, I distracted myself from it. I did everything I could do resist the negative truths in my situation. In the end, after 12 years. I had no self-confidence, sense of self-worth or love for myself.
Now here is where Faith comes in. Faith is such an abstract concept for me. I struggle with it greatly. I am such a concrete thinker. Yet the Lord showed me what Faith can be for me. For me, it was tiny steps out of my comfort zone. I take these steps feeling very afraid but knowing that I must. A huge step for me was to accept a leadership position in a new Christian homeschool Co-op. This connected me with other Christians and gave me just a little more self-confidence. Around this time, the Lord began arranging my circumstances in a ways that I could not ignore.
One very key event for me involves my brother-in-law. For most of the time that I have known him, he never said but a few words to me. I always perceived this must be because he didn’t like me. Very recently though, he opened up in conversation with me. The reason he never spoke to me was because he couldn’t. Wow! In fact my husband’s entire family struggles in communication. But my brother had left the LC years ago. He is opening his mind and learning so much.
This fact in itself gave me a glimmer of hope. But what my brother did next rocked my world. He stood up for me in the presence of my husband. He expressed his concern for the condition of our family life. He revealed how damaging growing up in an abusive situation really was. And he looked my husband in the eyes and told him, “You should listen to your wife because you have a very smart wife, you don’t know how lucky you are.”
Looking back on my life, this was probably the only time I have every had a man stand up for me.
Now I still have a long road ahead of me and I don’t know how it is going to end. But confidence and faith seem to have a snowballing effect. Step by step, day by day, my faith grows. It is hard not to fall back into the trap of shame and negativity. But I have learned something valuable recently with the help of some persistent and kind brothers here on this forum. I had to accept my negativity. I had to meet all the pain and fear and hopelessness head on. I had to declare to myself that my negativity is not wrong. The reason that caused my negativity was wrong. I had to accept that I was a victim. This was so painful, but only from this desperate place could I ever find the Faith that moves mountains.

12-23-2015, 12:19 PM	#1
New Beginnings Member Join Date: Dec 2015 Posts: 56	My Testimony My Testimony By New Beginnings I think it is time for me to give a testimony. This is extremely uncomfortable for me to be in the spotlight so to speak. However, I believe my testimony could potentially touch the lives of other sisters and it will also be a valuable step in my own healing process. I was 19 years old when was first exposed to the LC. I had been a wild, free spirited teenager, loving and accepting everyone, very vulnerable. After a few years living in the drug-culture, I was seeking purpose and structure. I met my husband and he showed me the Word of God. And then he showed me the LSM. I remembering my first reaction to the ministry writings was complete confusion. It made no sense to me at all. Then came the day I met the saints. My husband brought me to a LC wedding. Wow, there it was in front of me, the divine romance. It wasn’t long before I was captivated by the beauty of Christ and his church. I was a young girl in love with Jesus and in love with my husband for bringing me there. All through my engagement and the first year of my marriage, I was more or less happy. I attended many meetings and fulfilled many of the requirements of the ministry. I did prophesy occasionally, although this was always a struggle for me. It never felt authentic. When my son was born, there was an instantaneous change in me. A mother’s intuition they call it. This is a very real and powerful thing. It began to tell me that something was very wrong. However the more my intuition called to me, the more trapped I became. I was told that my feelings were wrong. I was told they were satan’s attacks. I became stuck in a cycle of shame and negativity. This is such a key point. “DON’T BE NEGATIVE!” In the early years of my marriage, I remember arguing with my husband, pleading with him to understand that it is not wrong for me to have feelings. I was told I was crazy and stupid. Now I want to say before I go on, I do not presume that all LC homes are abusive. Although I believe there is a likelihood that some are. This is only my experience. Sisters have an amazing ability to forget pain. Take childbirth for instance, I have four beautiful children so I know this well. Women in abusive situations find a way to survive. I hid the pain, denied it, I distracted myself from it. I did everything I could do resist the negative truths in my situation. In the end, after 12 years. I had no self-confidence, sense of self-worth or love for myself. Now here is where Faith comes in. Faith is such an abstract concept for me. I struggle with it greatly. I am such a concrete thinker. Yet the Lord showed me what Faith can be for me. For me, it was tiny steps out of my comfort zone. I take these steps feeling very afraid but knowing that I must. A huge step for me was to accept a leadership position in a new Christian homeschool Co-op. This connected me with other Christians and gave me just a little more self-confidence. Around this time, the Lord began arranging my circumstances in a ways that I could not ignore. One very key event for me involves my brother-in-law. For most of the time that I have known him, he never said but a few words to me. I always perceived this must be because he didn’t like me. Very recently though, he opened up in conversation with me. The reason he never spoke to me was because he couldn’t. Wow! In fact my husband’s entire family struggles in communication. But my brother had left the LC years ago. He is opening his mind and learning so much. This fact in itself gave me a glimmer of hope. But what my brother did next rocked my world. He stood up for me in the presence of my husband. He expressed his concern for the condition of our family life. He revealed how damaging growing up in an abusive situation really was. And he looked my husband in the eyes and told him, “You should listen to your wife because you have a very smart wife, you don’t know how lucky you are.” Looking back on my life, this was probably the only time I have every had a man stand up for me. Now I still have a long road ahead of me and I don’t know how it is going to end. But confidence and faith seem to have a snowballing effect. Step by step, day by day, my faith grows. It is hard not to fall back into the trap of shame and negativity. But I have learned something valuable recently with the help of some persistent and kind brothers here on this forum. I had to accept my negativity. I had to meet all the pain and fear and hopelessness head on. I had to declare to myself that my negativity is not wrong. The reason that caused my negativity was wrong. I had to accept that I was a victim. This was so painful, but only from this desperate place could I ever find the Faith that moves mountains.