Going to the FTTA was a mistake. Here's why.

I've recently been in the church life for over 5 years now.

I was a freshman when I met the college club "Christian Students on Campus." I went from going to on-campus Bible studies to almost attending every single college-related or church meeting during the week. I quickly dove into the readings from Living Stream ministry and learned about the practices in the local church and about other topics like "God's economy" and the "Lord's recovery". Without much question or hesitation, I went to meetings in the homes/other local churches, read the ministry teachings of Witness Lee and Watchman Nee off of lsm.org, and went to almost any conference/retreat I could possibly afford or travel to.

At first, I was joyous and felt like I was growing as a Christian. After growing up in a strict religious denomination full of rules and regulations, I finally felt at peace that I met with a group of believers whose hearts were truly set on God and the church. I no longer felt like a lukewarm believer who occasionally went to mandatory church meetings here and there. I thought I was growing in my relationship with God, in my knowledge of the Bible, and in my roots of being part of the church.

After I graduated college, I was asked by many saints (aka the brothers and sisters that I met over the years who attended the local churches) if I was thinking about going to the Full Time Training in Anaheim (FTTA) in Anaheim, CA. FTTA is a post-grad Bible school program that spends 2 years educating "trainees" on topics related to the truth, life, gospel, and service. The program requires that those who desire to go would have a bachelor's degree, so it wasn't a surprise that this question came up often after I graduated. At the time, I was working two jobs to try to pay off my student loans, was helping out part-time for the Christian campus club, served in the music AND children's church service, and was thinking about applying for nursing school. Some of the elders in the church knew about how much I was handling on my plate and told me that they would pray for me. As much as I tried telling myself the saint's asked about me going to this program out of genuine care and love, it felt as if what I was doing now in being a "functional member of the Body" wasn't enough.

So, I went. I quit my job, stopped applying for schools, and left to go to the FTTA.
It only took me less than half a term to realize I was making a mistake.
Don't get me wrong, after finishing a term I still remember some fond memories and times I spent in the training---whether it be spiritual or practical. I met some genuine believers from different parts of the world who truly loved God, I learned some biblical truths that stood out to me, and I wanted to figure out what the Lord's purpose was for Christians on the earth by going to classes that focused on the past and present history of the local churches in the Lord's recovery.

But, if I'm honest I had many more negative experiences than positive ones.

First off, I never felt so alienated after meeting with a group of believers for so many years. A majority of trainees who go to the FTTA are considered "church kids", or those who grew up in families that attended the local churches and based their beliefs on the ministries of Lee and Nee. When I came to California, I found that a lot of trainees who were in the same first term that I was in already knew each other from childhood or colleges that were located near church localities. I would try getting to know some of the familiar faces that I met from past conferences/retreats, only to be gently brushed off as they joined their groups with "the other church kids." A lot of conversations during meals, car trips, etc. were solely focused on their church life experiences and talking about other church kids that I never met in my life. Sadly, I didn't have much to contribute to many conversations.

Secondly, it was really hard not to turn a blind eye when someone broke a rule or regulation. The training emphasized its rules and regulations for dress code, housing, no close relationships with the opposite gender, etc in order to maintain the "spiritual and sanctified environment of the training". This even included not engaging in worldly music, movies, etc. When going into this, this wasn't a surprise since we even had to sign an agreement to follow these rules and regulations to the best of our ability. Since I didn't really grow up in the church life and was raised more in a "secular" home environment, sometimes I would accidentally or discretely mention pop culture references that would either go over a lot of people's heads or be frowned upon. At one point, I received "fellowship" with two sisters from my house advising me not to reply to an email on my phone and that the Internet could only be accessed on campus with permission from the office. As much as I understood why they came to me about it, these were also the same sisters that invited other people over to our house to play card games, asked if we wanted to secretly watch Netflix for one night, and even invited a friend over with their brother in an all sister's house (which is a big no-no. You could only imagine the horrified look on my face when I came downstairs in my pajamas and a towel in my hair to see a male stranger standing in our living room talking with one of my housemates). But was this reported/talked about? Nope. Were those sisters still viewed as angelic and proper examples? Yep. Was I after being exposed to not being a church kid and not understanding the culture related to the church life? Nope. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't call myself an "example trainee" in any way. But it didn't make me feel like less of an outcast to all the other trainees that were prime and groomed examples outwardly.

At that point, I was counting down the days until the term was finished. I felt that if I just quit and went home I would have been a disappointment to the church locality I was meeting with and couldn't meet with them anymore. At that point, I just gritted my teeth and bore down the rest of the weeks. But as soon as the last day was over, my bags were already packed and my plane ticket home was already saved on my phone.

I don't mean to share this so that others would have a change of heart with meeting in the local churches, being a part of the Lord's recovery, or going to the FTTA. Rather, I say this so that people can realize that people's spiritual experiences will always be different. No matter how much of the same doctrine or teaching you set for every church locality across the world, the response will always be different. The truth remains the truth, but because people are so complex the response to the truth will always come out different after going in one ear out the other. What I've learned over the years is that there is no "cookie-cutter" perfect Christian or church kid. No one should be expected to be that based on whether they were raised in the "proper environment" for it. After taking about a few months to self reflect, this was finally something I've allowed myself to accept. I wasn't what I thought others wanted me to be in the church life. But that is okay. Somehow, God still made this as part of my Christian walk and experience. And I think I'm coming out as someone who is more accepting and humbled because of it. I just hope that whoever might have had a similar experience as this could also feel the same way one day.

[HERn]

Greetings! And thanks for giving us your perspective. You sound like a very wise and grounded young adult. I can see why the LC recruited you to attend the FTTA. The cliquishness you experienced isn't unique to the LC, I think, I see it in the community church I attend. It's really good that you perceived this. How did the saints in your locality respond to your not continuing with a second semester at the FTTA?



I wish you all the best as you continue your life.


HERn