Brief Introduction- I Started Leaving the Local Church 5 Years Ago

[Anon-San]

Hello Everyone,

I was raised in the Local Churches as long as I can remember. My grandparents initially came from China and fled to Taiwan during the Chinese Conflict post-WW2. My parents were raised in the ministry and immigrated to the US in 1989. My family spent a lot of our precious weekends with the local church and the saints. My mom's a housewife who regularly reads the LSM books and attends Bible studies or readings with other housewives/companions. My dad is the breadwinner and served as an elder during my high school/college years.

To be honest, I never saw myself truly partaking scripture readings from the Bible and Witness Lee's legalism from when I was in grade school. I detested Bible Camps because it was scripture/lecture heavy, some beyond my comprehension at the time, and were gatekeeping fun activities, treats, and prizes until each child memorized a certain number of verses. I enjoyed dissecting a squid at a science summer camp more than all the children's Bible camps I have attended.

I didn't want to go through baptism in 6th grade, but I thought I had no choice due to peer pressure and "family tradition." It didn't help that my dad was the one leading the 6th grade baptism and one my secular peers there, gradually introduced into the LC by my parents on their own accord, was too excited to be baptized not fully comprehending of the lifelong commitments being in the ministry. It still sickens me today that my parents dragged my peers into joining our church while their parents lacked proper transparency of being baptized right after the 6th grade conference hours before the actual event. My parents tried doing the same lure with another peer when I was in high school, only to be prevented by his dad a week before his scheduled baptism.

Bible studies and reading The Holy Word for Morning Revival took up my mornings before going to school- it was tiring. Having to come up a portion to share with the ministry became an annoying chore to the point I stopped prophesizing in the meetings 95% of the time in high school. However, I was still brainwashed in high school because I had no one to look up to other than my parents' approval. My mom pushed all my potential friends away, thinking they will slowly corrupt me and ruin my purity. My first 2 years in college depended on the CoC and its Local Church next to my college. But when I started questioning more about the Local Church/LSM, I found how manipulative they have become over the years to make the ministry look good to potential members. My time in college made me realize that my upbringing in the ministry has pushed out many potential friendships and connections necessary for me to function outside of church. Enough was enough, so I stopped attending the Lord's Table Meetings. Other events followed suit after college which solidified my decision to never return to the ministry.

I am doing okay right now, though my relationship with my family is no longer the same. My husband has been very supportive and patient in understanding my trauma being raised as a church kid. I just wish my mom will stop telling me to pray or go back to the LC and convert my husband.

[gr8ful]

Hello, Anon-San.

Thank you for posting your introduction. Reading it I can feel the exhausting weight of unrelenting obligation. How very tiring it all was!

Glad to hear your husband is supportive.

As you mention "trauma" I am reminded of the benefit I received from professional therapy.

Mental and physiological pain is one of the hardest things to overcome. Although it’s maybe not as pronounced and not as mind numbing as physical pain in it’s ferocity and degrees, nevertheless the constant of the concealed burden that’s basically never visible or opened to an outside world is dramatic and can become unbearable.

As someone who has been through the experience of the local church with all of its rituals, shunnings & cutting off of all normal, natural human needs which causes extreme damage and pain to all involved and I also went through immense pain of sexual abuse. I will take the physical pain seven days a week and twice on Sunday over the mental & psychological issues that come from the Local church association. Being violated physically can be overcome by just a mere understanding of a fallen, wicked & unregenerate man, but overcoming mental and psychological issues and pain done to you under the structure and the name of God, can become overwhelming.

[Anon-San]

Hi gr8ful,

I started therapy a couple months ago to help re-navigate my past feelings and experiences being raised as a church kid. It is working so far. My sessions have helped me realize how much damage Lee's legalism has caused towards my mental health and personal relationships.

[Anon-San]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Mental and physiological pain is one of the hardest things to overcome. Although it’s maybe not as pronounced and not as mind numbing as physical pain in it’s ferocity and degrees, nevertheless the constant of the concealed burden that’s basically never visible or opened to an outside world is dramatic and can become unbearable.

As someone who has been through the experience of the local church with all of its rituals, shunnings & cutting off of all normal, natural human needs which causes extreme damage and pain to all involved and I also went through immense pain of sexual abuse. I will take the physical pain seven days a week and twice on Sunday over the mental & psychological issues that come from the Local church association. Being violated physically can be overcome by just a mere understanding of a fallen, wicked & unregenerate man, but overcoming mental and psychological issues and pain done to you under the structure and the name of God, can become overwhelming.

I am very sorry to hear about your experience, though your abuse should have NEVER happened from the beginning had it not been the neglectful and passive nature of the saints that harmed you and enabled your perpetrator(s).

Being out the church for some time, I do not get how any sane person can fully sit and listen through a meeting for 2-3 hours straight- let alone for those with short(er) attention spans. I remember one retreat I attended has one of leading brother the gall to tell us to try not use the restroom until the actual 15-minute break time (scheduled after a 2.5hr long meeting). The leading brothers, more likely than not, will blame you for being bored because you are not getting into the word enough. I'd rather be productive in my own hobbies than to hear from the elders reiterating how the world is fallen and that your own personal interests, desires, secular friends, and livelihood are distracting you from being one with the Lord.

[Ohio]

You lost me when you started quoting Aleister Crowley.

Originally Posted by Ohio

You lost me when you started quoting Aleister Crowley.

11 Since, then, we know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade others. What we are is plain to God, and I hope it is also plain to your conscience. 12 We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. 13 If we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. 14 For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 15 And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.

— 2 Corinthians 5:11-15

[Anon-San]

Originally Posted by Ohio

You lost me when you started quoting Aleister Crowley.

To be clear, I am not a follower of Crowley and his practices. I am only quoting him to help illustrate whatever thoughts (from others) resonate with me now.

[TLFisher]

Originally Posted by Anon-San

I'd rather be productive in my own hobbies than to hear from the elders reiterating how the world is fallen and that your own personal interests, desires, secular friends, and livelihood are distracting you from being one with the Lord.

I know the brothers put on a mask trying to show how spiritual they are. For a time I bought into it until I no longer did. Elders, deacons, responsible ones are no different than anyone else. They have personal interests and a life they want to live outside the meeting life. Some may be sports fans and enjoy watching football, baseball, and basketball games. Others may love being in nature through hiking or camping activities. Others may may be more financially driven in acquiring and selling real estate. Others may be more occupied with their children and grandchildren.
For the brothers to say they have no other interests except the Lord's interests I think is being hypocritical.

[Ohio]

"One would go mad if one took the Bible seriously; but to take it seriously one must be already mad." -Aleister Crowley

Originally Posted by Anon-San

To be clear, I am not a follower of Crowley and his practices. I am only quoting him to help illustrate whatever thoughts (from others) resonate with me now.

Then shall I assume that this quote from Crowley "resonates" with you now?

[Sons to Glory!]

As someone else alluded to, all all that obligation for so long sounds quite oppressive! It has me wondering what my kids thought of the LC scene, although it was just for around 5 years when they were growing up, and we probably also weren't in as legalistic of a locality as most.

Best wishes on your counseling. I didn't grow up there, but much of my young adult life, up until I was in my mid-30s was influenced much by the LC. However, the Lord still had a good deal of legalism and fear-oriented baggage to expose in me. The bottom-line I would convey to you is this: God is love and His purpose is all regarding His amazing love for us!

[ACuriousFellow]

Thank you for sharing your testimony, Anon-San. It seems like you've walked a difficult road, and I hope you will find at least some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your circumstances. I hope your therapy continues to be fruitful and that you are able to untangle all the memories and emotions thoroughly so that you can find healing and strength.

As for that Crowley quote from earlier, I can certainly understand how the scriptures may seem like madness to many. I realized this when one day I had a thought that Islam and Hinduism were full of madness and came to the conclusion that this sensation I feel towards other religions must be the same that atheists and agnostics feel towards me. Such a strange feeling to realize that, yet it is one that helped me realize as a young man that there is often quite a chasm that needs to be bridged in order to truly understand other people. Even if the person is open to scriptural exhortation, it takes time to bridge gaps and make a real connection, and as a teacher I am quite familiar with such a process as I've lived it out with hundreds of students.

Whoo boy. This really hit me close to home because my brother is an agnostic and we've had our fair share of theological and ideological brawls. Certainly some food for thought.