GraceAlone - The Lord is still healing us!

[GraceAlone]

I thought maybe I'd share a little bit more of my story, having just joined the Forum but having lurked for a while. :-)

My husband and I both grew up in the LC and in our youth, had mostly positive experiences as we learned to enjoy and walk with the Lord. And of course, we met each other! We had many sweet experiences with the precious saints in the LCs, far more positive ones than hurtful ones (although of course there were those too). In college, we were well cared for. After that ... rather a different story.

Over the years, many different experiences and observations began contributing to a cognitive dissonance that eventually grew almost unbearable for me. In the interest of not writing an entire book in this post, I'll just say that there are three legs to the proverbial stool: what is true and logical, what is Biblical, and what the LC culture and ministry teach and practice. These should be harmonious, but instead I found them to be more and more at odds with each other, especially as I met other believers, read other writings, and stopped being able to blithely explain everything away.

I'd like to offer a bit of encouragement to anyone who's currently feeling this way and because of circumstances (perhaps a spouse who's not on the same page, or having service commitments, or fear of what family members and other saints may say -- I had all of these!) feels hopeless and trapped. That was me. For a couple of years at least, I begged the Lord to change my heart and make me happy to stay in the LC, read the Life-studies, attend the conferences and talk about how great they were, as everyone around me seemed to be doing. I saw no way out or forward and shed many desperate tears. And yet, because I was reading the Word more, the Lord was able to speak faith and hope into me during some of my lowest moments. He showed me that if I would be willing to trust and obey Him, the huge obstacles I feared would be nothing to Him. And He reminded me that He saw and heard me. I often felt that in the eyes of the LC, I was barely a person -- more of a drone, and especially as a female, one without any voice. But the Lord is "the God who sees," and His compassion runs deep.

I'd also like to express my appreciation to the people on this forum who have been able to articulate observations and concerns as I was never fully able to. When I found this place several months ago, I read post after post that made me say, "What?! I thought I was the only one who noticed that! Or felt that way!" Some of the weight of isolation and loneliness and wondering if it was all in my head lifted. Thank you for that.

I will say that the path has not been easy, even after we left. We have tried to maintain friendly relations with some of those we had known well, but it is more awkward than I expected. No one is to blame for that. And although we are very much enjoying the place where the Lord led us to meet, it will likely take a long time to feel like home. It's like moving to a foreign country when you've lived in one culture your entire life. Even if you see the flaws in that native culture, it's still what's familiar.

The Lord is still healing us. I struggle with anger and shame over having been part of a system that, for all its good aspects, has been the cause of harm to so many people for so many years and with no apparent acknowledgment or repentance for that hurt -- even abuse. It's hard to see people I love still in it up to their eyeballs, and yet when I bring that inner conflict before the Lord, not wanting to judge them or poison our relationship, He reminds me that He has had mercy on me and my family in a thousand ways, and I can trust His path for every one of His children. He truly is faithful!