Struggling

Elle · 12-19-2020, 10:28 AM

Typing these thoughts and fears is a lot harder than I expected. I experienced probably a decade of beautiful life filled home meetings. The writings of WN and WL were there probably even driving this new normal church life but it always felt so life filled. There were times of blended meetings where we experienced a much more organized ritual filled meeting but it still felt right and we were in the flow. However, we moved and for the next twenty years never lived where there was a LC. My immersion in WL writings made it clear that Christ couldn't ever really use me if I wasn't a member of the one true body and I spend many tear filled nights wondering why I wasn't good enough. Then one day I was at a EM conference and suddenly all kinds of doubts and confusion set in. Of course I knew how wrong it was to raise questions and that was just division but... I just couldn't shake the reality that my eyes had been opened. I couldn't believe how the women were fan girling over EM. It seemed just like rock band groupies. Then he told a story that wasn't just not true about King George. Not a huge deal but a simple google search revealed it was not even possible. During lunch I realized I couldn't join in on prayers or fellowship because it felt as though everything was spoken from memory, a precise script with "Amens" thrown in over everything. The most jarring moment came when I went to speak with a brother I had known for 30 years and his reception can only be described as a shunning.

I had read all the books on shepherding and knew this was not happening to my family in our reception at many LC we visited. Then I found out about the mindbenders lawsuits, Daystar, PL and my heart broke. Ive packed up all my LSM materials and am rather confused as to where to go. I have been trained to now read anything not from LSM, but the real scary thing is struggling while reading my bible to be searching for footnotes. my daily struggle is how to balance what I am certain was life with the failings of the messenger.

Sorry, this feels so disjointed - I know my amazing savior will guide me through in truth but I am scared by how all encompassing this ministry is tangling its way all through my mind emotion and will when shouldn't it have just spread through out my spirit?

One last thing, as Ive watched my family still in the church rid themselves of all things Christmas, what is the deal with celebrating the Chinese New Year? On the threads here there is one image used frequently which I obviously can't read but is it something put out by LSM or just a stockphoto?

12-19-2020, 10:28 AM	#1
Elle Member Join Date: Dec 2020 Posts: 5	Struggling Typing these thoughts and fears is a lot harder than I expected. I experienced probably a decade of beautiful life filled home meetings. The writings of WN and WL were there probably even driving this new normal church life but it always felt so life filled. There were times of blended meetings where we experienced a much more organized ritual filled meeting but it still felt right and we were in the flow. However, we moved and for the next twenty years never lived where there was a LC. My immersion in WL writings made it clear that Christ couldn't ever really use me if I wasn't a member of the one true body and I spend many tear filled nights wondering why I wasn't good enough. Then one day I was at a EM conference and suddenly all kinds of doubts and confusion set in. Of course I knew how wrong it was to raise questions and that was just division but... I just couldn't shake the reality that my eyes had been opened. I couldn't believe how the women were fan girling over EM. It seemed just like rock band groupies. Then he told a story that wasn't just not true about King George. Not a huge deal but a simple google search revealed it was not even possible. During lunch I realized I couldn't join in on prayers or fellowship because it felt as though everything was spoken from memory, a precise script with "Amens" thrown in over everything. The most jarring moment came when I went to speak with a brother I had known for 30 years and his reception can only be described as a shunning. I had read all the books on shepherding and knew this was not happening to my family in our reception at many LC we visited. Then I found out about the mindbenders lawsuits, Daystar, PL and my heart broke. Ive packed up all my LSM materials and am rather confused as to where to go. I have been trained to now read anything not from LSM, but the real scary thing is struggling while reading my bible to be searching for footnotes. my daily struggle is how to balance what I am certain was life with the failings of the messenger. Sorry, this feels so disjointed - I know my amazing savior will guide me through in truth but I am scared by how all encompassing this ministry is tangling its way all through my mind emotion and will when shouldn't it have just spread through out my spirit? One last thing, as Ive watched my family still in the church rid themselves of all things Christmas, what is the deal with celebrating the Chinese New Year? On the threads here there is one image used frequently which I obviously can't read but is it something put out by LSM or just a stockphoto?