Finally Writing About My Years in the Recovery

[Davis]

I’ve wanted to write about my experiences in the Lord’s Recovery movement for a while, but it’s felt daunting because there is so much to say. I grew up in a medium-sized locality in Southern California (aka not Anaheim). My grandparents gave their lives to the Recovery and we hosted Tuesday prayer meetings, Friday/Saturday home meetings, and rarely missed Sunday meetings. I heard very little music beyond church life songs and classical music. We did watch movies and TV, but content was definitely censored. We didn't celebrate Halloween or Christmas, which was hard to explain to others as a child, and still is. Sometimes I would lie when classmates asked what presents I received. I was not materially deprived as a child (looking back, I was still quite privileged), but I mention that experience to show that even though I was raised to love the church life, I realized that there was something strange about it: something that kept me from experiences that were normal for other children and something that I should avoid telling others about.

It’s hard to remember how I felt about things at every stage of my life, but I think there was a general mix of feelings. Although I did struggle with some of the restrictions, I was told that I was obeying God and I developed a personal relationship with God at a pretty young age. To this day, I believe that the majority of people I grew up around in the church are good people. I was also blessed to have a few very close friends throughout my childhood. There was a lot that I enjoyed about the church life: those close friendships most of all, but I loved the larger community too and the fun activities that we participated in as young people. I think that the juxtaposition of those genuinely positive experiences with the belief that being in the church life was the “right” thing to do brought me into a period of active participation. I attempted to pay close attention to the messages in young people’s meetings and conferences, I memorized verses, I wholeheartedly participated in the meetings, I “shared my enjoyment”. I was the model of a good church kid during this time. Looking back, it was really just like playing a game and I was great at playing the game. At the 6th grade conference when we were supposed to become officially saved, I panicked that night and asked my best friend if he had felt anything because I didn’t. Still, I got baptized the next week and maintained that active participation for a few years. I was caught up in the excitement, but when it came to actually experiencing God and Christian teaching, I simply learned the right things to say and the right pieces of the Bible or the ministry to repeat while thinking it was a genuine experience.

Despite this period that appeared positive, I can’t remember a specific time when things dramatically changed, but they definitely did. My older siblings never had those positive experiences, and we were very close. Their feelings coupled with things in the church life that always appeared/came to appear weird or wrong to me (beyond my earlier examples: constant and expected amens, some who called on the Lord or said amen in an uncomfortably sexual manner, remaining in the realm of vaguery when discussing serious or outside matters, sexism, reverence of Witness Lee, pressure to participate and share), it was not that surprising when a friend a few years older than me left because he was afraid it was a cult. It’s wild to me that my friends and I just joked about this like “yeah, it sure does seem like it could be”. In our teen years, we went from sitting in the first row at conferences and sharing after every message, to barely paying attention in the back row if we couldn’t escape them altogether.

In high school, I had already begun to drift away from the church, but it was accelerated when I started dating a girl (I was not allowed to date at all). Although my parents found out and decided that they shouldn’t force me to end the relationship, I resented how they controlled it and restricted me from what made me most happy. Being in love was far better than anything I had ever experienced in the church. I pushed God away. For a while I tried to appear like I was still interested, but mentally I was almost completely removed and I eventually gave up trying. Throughout high school, my beliefs about the world changed a lot—and have continued to change to this day—and I began to see that they are incompatible with the Recovery and even Christianity as a whole. That makes me uncomfortable sometimes because I was raised to fear for the souls of those who were outside of the Recovery, but generally, I’m at peace with it. I wish I could say that I don’t believe in the Recovery’s God at all, but deep-down I’m still afraid that I’m wrong and will be punished. However, I am also open to the possibility of a different and better God or Creator and also okay with there being none at all. For the most part, I’m happy with my life and who I am today.

Today, I don’t think the Recovery is a cult, but it is definitely an aberrant, controlling group. Writing this all out was very helpful, as I have tried to distance myself from these experiences by just ignoring them or downplaying their significance in my life. Even when I started reading about the church online (I've lurked on this forum on and off for a few years now and read elsewhere), I never fully acknowledged that this movement, this church, had a drastic influence on myself and my family. This experience was very cathartic and I removed some parts I wrote because I felt that they were too personal to share. There is so much more than I could say here right now. I don’t know exactly where to go from here, but I feel so relieved to have this out there.

I recognize that this is predominantly a Christian forum. Given the current discourse especially, I want to reiterate that I am happy with where I am spiritually but will respect responses of any nature, provided you respect my beliefs too.