After years of indoctrination, I've been enlightened!

Hi everyone! After reading sister Jo Casteel's post, I can't imagine the amount of burden and pain the people that this cult has been victimized.

I was born and raised in this church life. It was my life and goal to be an 'overcomer' and be an 'age-turner' (yes, I was your typical church kid)! I never missed any SoCal YP conferences. However, one day I had this epiphany that I may be bi-curious. I've had these thoughts when I was still a kid but dismissed them. This epiphany gave me so much grief and strife. I had no one to talk to about it because the internalized homophobia in the church. My close 'companions' told me that they hope I wasn't bi. So I dismissed it again but I couldn't. It bothered me deeply. I prayed and hoped that I would 'turn' straight, so that I can be more useful to God and be able to join the full time training. I was so devoted to the point that I was no longer mentally stable. After 2 years of self-deprecation, I finally couldn't take it and started to self-harm. I had suicidal thoughts but the only thing that kept me from killing myself is the fact that my family's name would be tarnished by my death (my grandfather was an elder). I also thought about the amount of pain it would bring to my family and to the saints. The time I found comfort and relief was when I met my non-church friends in college. They had given me the comfort and validation that I am normal for my thoughts and nothing about me should be changed.

Therefore, I became agnostic because I thought the teaching of the church and WL is still the truth. Like they said, Jesus hates lukewarm (Rev. 3:16). I decided to be completely out of the church yet support them ( Hahahahahah! I hope I make sense). I defended their teachings and I still love some saints that I grew up with I communicate with them. Infact I still attend Lord's table meetings just so I can please my parents and grandmother. I even short termed. During these times, I felt at home yet I was reliving that dark time in my life. I even prayed and made a deal with the Lord that I would never date and marry so that I could still enter His kingdom. It just didn't work. This internal struggle was hindering my studies and relationship with my peers. I ultimately gave up. I've never been more happier now than when I was in the Church life. To this day (since I still live and am dependent of my parents because they pay for my grad school), I am still waiting for that day that I will feel complete freedom. The only thing that is helping me from going to meetings is the fact that I'm busy with school work.

Now I am out of that brain fog and I finally now know the truth. I am a person that believes that no matter how small the abuse is, the offender must still be brought to justice. As a person who grew up and had/and has family member who are still ingrained into this clergy/laity system, I am appalled and livid of the abuse this church is doing to its doing to members of their congregation. I just want to know what I can do to help these saints who are still trapped and are experiencing abuse. Since I'm technically still in the church life could I help usher these saints to safety? I have also noticed bullying in the yp meetings with the leading brothers making fun of younger saints who 'were not up to their standard'. I have noticed preferential treatments as well. These happened to me and my other friends.

This is just a post for those lurkers who are just like me to let them know that they are not alone. Please be kind. I noticed the sort of judgement being part of LGBT here receives. We all experienced trauma and pain from LC. Thank you for actually giving me a platform to be able to voice my testimony and opinions anonymously.