Pulled in Two Directions

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DISCLAIMER: This is only my subjective experience. I know "the heart is deceitful above all things" (Jer. 17:9), so I may have gotten it all wrong. I don`t claim I see, and that others are blind. I am just a seeker of the Lord, and want to pursue the Lord in all stages of the song of songs. I have no idea how this can be, but I just try to have simple conversations with Him throughout the day and let Him be my Lord and guide, to guide me into all truth or reality, like He promised (John 16:13).

I am not sure whether I am a current or a former member of LC. I am seeking the Lord concerning this. I have been meeting with the recovery since 2003. I have countless of friends that are meeting as "the church" in different cities in Europe, and I still enjoy, very much, 1 to 1 fellowship/Bible reading with them and I appreciate the friendships. Since they are brothers in the Lord, I don`t want to be negative or criticize any of them (Matt 25:40). But for years I felt uneasy about a number of things.

(1) When in this fellowship, I have never really felt I could bring my unbelieving friends to meetings, "the Lord`s table" or to meetings. I did however try this a few times, but with very damaging results, that needed explanation and repair later. I don't say any church meeting is perfect, but if the Lord is really present, shouldn't a church meeting be a place where one could easily bring his friends? Just asking really.

(2) The continuous mentioning of "Br. Lee," so many times. I got really bothered by this over the years. I do sometimes myself, if sharing something with Christians give credit to the authors, like recently I appreciated Spurgeon's view of Eternal life: "Eternal life is fellowship with the Father, Son and Spirit." My spirit was quickened when reading this and I shared it to others. But the excessive mentioning of brother Lee makes me feel he is uplifted by people. and I only know One in the entire universe who is worthy to be uplifted (John 12:32). This always made me feel uneasy. At one point I asked those I know the best to please stop mentioning br. Lee all the time, but to no avail. It seems that this trend and habit was just too strong.

(3) I was also involved in Campus work and sometimes sharing myself. Much of what is in the life-studies I personally think is very good and I am happy to share it. But my personal desire has always been just to spread the truth as I see it, if it has helped me. But I feel I am drawn into some kind of "hidden agenda" trying to "gain" others. I never felt at peace with this. One the one hand, we learn that there is one church in one city, and that it consist of all Christians, then why would we try to "gain" them into the way of our custom? What I see in the Bible is just to "feed the My Lambs, feed my sheep." Nothing else. If the Lord use us, and through us, feed others, I feel the outcome it not up to us. Maybe certain ones we feed has a psychological need for a "church" that is very human and have talk a lot about grace and assurance of salvation, not "the High Peak of the divine revelation." Well, I don't know anymore. I am happy to hear what you brothers and sisters in the Lord thinks.

(4) I don't know if one church/one city is Biblical or not. I feel the Scripture is vague concerning this. I can understand someone interpreting it this way. However, what I learned is that if there is such a thing as one church/one city, and it comprise all believers, I don't understand why the LC (I know this is a generalization), insist on other believers doing it "their" way? I recently brought a sister to the meeting, and then there was insisting on reading Morning Revival and singing their own hymnal. She is a sister that have a very rich prayer life (she is my pattern concerning prayer), but she had no way to participate and not the best experience. This makes me feel sad, and it made me question myself. So my question is; isn't it a little bit proud to believe one way of meeting is superior to all others, when the New Testament isn't that specific of exactly how believers meet, except that each one has a psalm, revelation etc, and that we ought to do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves (Phi 2:3)? I welcome all thoughts.

I could have written several other items, but perhaps I should stop here.

Trying to be balanced: The hardest part of it all... "the world" as I understand it today, and this might be unpopular to say but ... There are two books written on Song of Songs by Watchman Nee and Witness Lee. I find these truly amazing, and I cannot fathom, that these could be so full of light if W.L and W.N were false prophets/teachers. I believe only deep and intimate fellowship with the Lord could open up these books. Also when it comes to the book of Leviticus, it was a totally "closed" book to me, until I read the life-study (written by Witness Lee). How do I make sense of this? Did the Lord use Nee and/or Lee in the early stages, and then they became disobedient? This is confusing. I sometimes wonder if it is Descartes evil spirit that is fooling me.

Finally... and this is the core, and concerning this I will embrace all feedback.

One of my absolute favorite quotes from Watchman Nee is the following:
"Today if you have left the denominations and have seen the church, then only the Word of God can be the standard. Consider a brother who is born again. Can you say that he is not a brother? He is a brother if he knows the truth clearly, and he is still a brother if he does not know the truth clearly. If he stays at home he is my brother, and if he falls into the ditch by the street he is still my brother. If there is a problem, I can only blame my Father for begetting him. The special characteristic of Philadelphia is brotherly love—today this way is the only way for us to walk. But we should never have this kind of attitude: I love the brothers who are clear and the brothers who are lovable, but those who are not lovable I will not love. Whether he is clear or not, that is his business. We should never say, 'You are a rebellious one.' What we see this year, we did not see last year. Perhaps next year he will also see what we have seen this year. While he reads the Bible, the Lord will also show him the light. God's heart is great; so ours must also be great. We must learn to have a heart that is large enough to include all of God's children. Whenever we say 'we' and yet do not include all the children of God, we are the biggest sect, for we are not standing in the position of brotherly love but exalting ourselves. The way of Philadelphia is the way we must take. The difficulty lies in the fact that Philadelphia includes all the brothers, yet some are not able to include as much."

I truly love this attitude, but the paradox here is, if I truly want to follow this quote and live it, then to me, it seems the only way to follow this quote is outside of the influence and realm of what today is called the "Lords recovery." This is all just so confusing. I have no ill feeling towards anyone in the "Lords Recovery". By his grace there is not even one brother or sister that I have anything against that is currently in the Lords recovery. I am just very confused.

I am sorry if I have offended anyone. I am learning, I am just a simple disciple of Christ saved by His far-reaching and unfathomable mercy and love. I ask that You cleanse me and forgive me, if I have written anything inaccurate, Lord Jesus.

In the midst of confusion in my heart and soul, all I can do is to give myself into His hand once again.

if any member of the Body of Christ can advise me, I am happy to hear from you and fellowship <3 all I want is to pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart (2 Tim 2:22). Christ has become to great of a companion and attraction to me to leave Him now. Nothing else but Him is of interest to me anymore.

I apologize for such a lengthy post. I guess I am just so involved so my emotions get the better of me.

I appreciate that I can be open about this here, so thank you and God bless the ones who made this website!