Free my Mind

stillseekingtruth · 07-28-2019, 07:50 PM

Hi all! I was born into LC and met in the GLA for 38 years. About four years ago, I made a slow transition out of the LC and into 'fallen Christendom" with the aid of my wonderful husband. Jo Casteel's open letter helped me tremendously. It was as if everything i said and though behind closed doors came into the light. I've been under a myriad of lies. I believed one man, one ministry, one publication...one one one. I'm ashamed to say that I was appalled when TC shared with the us young people that we had a ministry. How could anyone say that when WL was the oracle of the age?

In 1999, I moved in with my aunt. I was 21 years old. At the time we met under TC and I went to the college trainings and conferences and Jubliee meetings. My aunt is very devoted to the LR and WL so when a splintering between TC and the LC became more apparent in our locality we sought out different localities to hear the trainings. We were asked to leave a certain locailty and in another locality the brothers under TC started to sensor the messages from Anaheim. My aunt said that as soon as they stopped sharing the ministry we would go to this other locality that separated from TC some twenty years earlier to stay under the ministry. (Sorry, I'm trying not to use names. I know it's a llilttle jumbled.) Although, I learned later that it was moe of a power struggle between the leading ones.

When we were under TC, (and I'm not saying this has anything to do with TC himself as he was rarely around), I was in such disarray because of the control and confusion and personal trials in my life I became suicidal and my dissociative identity disorder and PTSD emerged. When I was growing up, sexual abuse occurred in and out of the meetings. It was awful and confusing how the abusers could have the bible in one hand, lead people to salvation, have a home open for meetings, and then abuse you. Sometimes even using the Word of God against you when you called them out. I'm so thankful for my parents leading me to Christ, but my mom was a primary abuser and my dad was in denial. I remember asking him why this brother would throw chairs in a meeting (this happened about 5 years ago) and my dad said that we all have the flesh and that in xxx locality, brothers got into fist fights in the meetings. Seriously?

Eventually, we went to the forbidden locality. I was guilt ridden and full of shame for leaving the TC saints behind, but others had gone before and it was a comfort to see and meet with them again. I'll speed this up a bit. I spent ten years in xxx locality serving and pouring everything I had into the church. It was my life! I served the children, I served the young people at SSOT and conferences, I cooked, I went to Levitical service and cleaned the meeting hall. I spent endless hours in home meetings and church meetings listening to the ministry and being taught "not to rebel." I had such trouble with this one brother who micromanaged EVERYTHING with the children's service. I guess I'll make a list of my experiences now for fluidity sake.

1. I was publicly and privately rebuked.
2. I was told over and over - just give yourself to Christ and the Church
3. I was told that if I just call on the Lord and eat more Jesus I'll be filled with joy
4. I was labeled a rebellious sister
5. I begged the leading brothers to please not let the 2 - 4 year olds run in the parking lot unattended and I was told that we cannot correct the saints. We must be like Moses and be half blind. Just pray, Sister. Guess what! One of those kids was in the hospital for swallowing laundry detergent AND he was hit by a car. Ok, I know accidents happen with kids, but these parents seriously needed some loving guidance.
6. I bought into the lie that another locality wouldn't be blessed by the Lord because they didn't go through proper order to start that locality. Guess what, they're going strong.
7. I was threatened with outer darkness to the point where I just told them I don't care about outer darkness. Their answer was, "You should! You'll miss the kingdom and spend 1,000 weeping and gnashing teeth."
8. I pray-read. I hate pray reading!
9. I made my aunt my god and tried to acquiesce and go to the meetings without complaining.
10. I was told that I have to smile when I come into the meeting hall.
11. My aunt literally cried when I took a young person home early from a conference. She didn't want to stay and neither did I, but "miss a meeting, miss it for eternity."
12. I was told over and over and over and over and over that I need to be in the meetings and under the ministry to 'grow in life and gain more Christ.'
13. I believed that mainstream Christianity had a low gospel and low light
14. I believed that I was becoming God in life and nature, but not in His Godhead
15. i believed that I was going to be beheaded, get cancer, or becoming an invalid if I left the LR because I saw the vision and the punishment is greater if you see and turn from this way.
16. I condemned myself for being me
17. I hated hearing that I am nothing. I am no one. Christ is everything. If He doesn't want me, why did He make me?
18. I was never allowed to tell my story of the abuse I endured under my parents or my uncle or anyone else because I needed to cover the brothers and my parents. I had to be like Noah and cover their nakedness.
19. When I did tell a few elders about my parents because I was kicked out of my house, they said that no matter what I said how they felt about my parents would never change. Nobody gave a darn about me and I knew it. All anyone cared about is if you were in the meeting and you were serving.
20. An elder, before he was asked to step down, would preach that verse from the OT about being judged for every word. He would even go so far as to say that God is listening when we speak with one another in private so we need to speak only positive things.

Ok, that's my rant. I must say, however, it wasn't all bad. I traveled to London and Paris and other places I never would have gone. The price was sitting in several hours of meetings, but whatever. I love kids and I loved spending time with them when I wasn't being micromanaged or rebuked by the brothers. Once I took a group of young sisters to get ice cream during SSOT and I was rebuked by the brothers. The next day one of the brother's wife did the same thing and no one said a word.

Well, this is enough for now, I think. Thanks for letting me get some of this out!

07-28-2019, 07:50 PM	#1
stillseekingtruth Member Join Date: Jul 2019 Posts: 49	Free my Mind Hi all! I was born into LC and met in the GLA for 38 years. About four years ago, I made a slow transition out of the LC and into 'fallen Christendom" with the aid of my wonderful husband. Jo Casteel's open letter helped me tremendously. It was as if everything i said and though behind closed doors came into the light. I've been under a myriad of lies. I believed one man, one ministry, one publication...one one one. I'm ashamed to say that I was appalled when TC shared with the us young people that we had a ministry. How could anyone say that when WL was the oracle of the age? In 1999, I moved in with my aunt. I was 21 years old. At the time we met under TC and I went to the college trainings and conferences and Jubliee meetings. My aunt is very devoted to the LR and WL so when a splintering between TC and the LC became more apparent in our locality we sought out different localities to hear the trainings. We were asked to leave a certain locailty and in another locality the brothers under TC started to sensor the messages from Anaheim. My aunt said that as soon as they stopped sharing the ministry we would go to this other locality that separated from TC some twenty years earlier to stay under the ministry. (Sorry, I'm trying not to use names. I know it's a llilttle jumbled.) Although, I learned later that it was moe of a power struggle between the leading ones. When we were under TC, (and I'm not saying this has anything to do with TC himself as he was rarely around), I was in such disarray because of the control and confusion and personal trials in my life I became suicidal and my dissociative identity disorder and PTSD emerged. When I was growing up, sexual abuse occurred in and out of the meetings. It was awful and confusing how the abusers could have the bible in one hand, lead people to salvation, have a home open for meetings, and then abuse you. Sometimes even using the Word of God against you when you called them out. I'm so thankful for my parents leading me to Christ, but my mom was a primary abuser and my dad was in denial. I remember asking him why this brother would throw chairs in a meeting (this happened about 5 years ago) and my dad said that we all have the flesh and that in xxx locality, brothers got into fist fights in the meetings. Seriously? Eventually, we went to the forbidden locality. I was guilt ridden and full of shame for leaving the TC saints behind, but others had gone before and it was a comfort to see and meet with them again. I'll speed this up a bit. I spent ten years in xxx locality serving and pouring everything I had into the church. It was my life! I served the children, I served the young people at SSOT and conferences, I cooked, I went to Levitical service and cleaned the meeting hall. I spent endless hours in home meetings and church meetings listening to the ministry and being taught "not to rebel." I had such trouble with this one brother who micromanaged EVERYTHING with the children's service. I guess I'll make a list of my experiences now for fluidity sake. 1. I was publicly and privately rebuked. 2. I was told over and over - just give yourself to Christ and the Church 3. I was told that if I just call on the Lord and eat more Jesus I'll be filled with joy 4. I was labeled a rebellious sister 5. I begged the leading brothers to please not let the 2 - 4 year olds run in the parking lot unattended and I was told that we cannot correct the saints. We must be like Moses and be half blind. Just pray, Sister. Guess what! One of those kids was in the hospital for swallowing laundry detergent AND he was hit by a car. Ok, I know accidents happen with kids, but these parents seriously needed some loving guidance. 6. I bought into the lie that another locality wouldn't be blessed by the Lord because they didn't go through proper order to start that locality. Guess what, they're going strong. 7. I was threatened with outer darkness to the point where I just told them I don't care about outer darkness. Their answer was, "You should! You'll miss the kingdom and spend 1,000 weeping and gnashing teeth." 8. I pray-read. I hate pray reading! 9. I made my aunt my god and tried to acquiesce and go to the meetings without complaining. 10. I was told that I have to smile when I come into the meeting hall. 11. My aunt literally cried when I took a young person home early from a conference. She didn't want to stay and neither did I, but "miss a meeting, miss it for eternity." 12. I was told over and over and over and over and over that I need to be in the meetings and under the ministry to 'grow in life and gain more Christ.' 13. I believed that mainstream Christianity had a low gospel and low light 14. I believed that I was becoming God in life and nature, but not in His Godhead 15. i believed that I was going to be beheaded, get cancer, or becoming an invalid if I left the LR because I saw the vision and the punishment is greater if you see and turn from this way. 16. I condemned myself for being me 17. I hated hearing that I am nothing. I am no one. Christ is everything. If He doesn't want me, why did He make me? 18. I was never allowed to tell my story of the abuse I endured under my parents or my uncle or anyone else because I needed to cover the brothers and my parents. I had to be like Noah and cover their nakedness. 19. When I did tell a few elders about my parents because I was kicked out of my house, they said that no matter what I said how they felt about my parents would never change. Nobody gave a darn about me and I knew it. All anyone cared about is if you were in the meeting and you were serving. 20. An elder, before he was asked to step down, would preach that verse from the OT about being judged for every word. He would even go so far as to say that God is listening when we speak with one another in private so we need to speak only positive things. Ok, that's my rant. I must say, however, it wasn't all bad. I traveled to London and Paris and other places I never would have gone. The price was sitting in several hours of meetings, but whatever. I love kids and I loved spending time with them when I wasn't being micromanaged or rebuked by the brothers. Once I took a group of young sisters to get ice cream during SSOT and I was rebuked by the brothers. The next day one of the brother's wife did the same thing and no one said a word. Well, this is enough for now, I think. Thanks for letting me get some of this out!