Testimony of Lost Sheep

[UntoHim]

I am a church kid - both my parents were brought into the church life in the local churches. However, I am confused. I don't like how all the ministry is based on Watchman Nee and Witness Lee. Honestly, I don't know anything else other than this church. I have read some of the threads and comments on the website and I while I disagree with some of them as they aren't as exaggerated as stated, others I agree with. I have done a little bit of research online and I seem to find conflicting information and perspectives. One topic that always seems to come up is regarding the trinity. Apparently what the LC teaches is both modalism and tritheism. I can't say I'm well-versed in the Bible so I don't understand what trinity actually means. The LC said this in regards to modalism;

"Modalism is heretical, a misguided and unscriptural attempt by the finite human mind to understand and systematize the mysterious divine Trinity. Modalism teaches that the Father, the Son, and the Spirit are merely three temporary modes or forms of activity through which God manifests Himself in time. The most common form of modalism claims that the Father’s existence ended with the Son’s coming and that the Son ceased to exist when the Spirit came. Thus, according to modalistic thought, the Father, Son, and Spirit do not exist simultaneously and eternally. This view, of course, is contrary to the
pure biblical revelation of the Triune God."

and that

"We reiterate, clearly and emphatically, that the local churches, unlike modalists, believe in the eternal coexistence and coinherence of the three of the Godhead; that is, we believe that the Father, the Son, and the Spirit all coexist from eternity past to eternity future, and all mutually coinhere, or indwell one another. Even in God’s move to carry out man’s salvation and fulfill His eternal purpose, the Three of the Godhead are distinct in function yet never separate in Their being. This means that in every step of God’s work of creation, salvation, and consummation of His purpose, the Three of the Godhead—
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit—are fully involved."

My parents practice what the LC teaches to a T and I find myself not wanting to be like them. Don't get me wrong; they are great people. I just don't think I can blindly read the Bible footnotes from mainly one person, be highly encouraged to borderline forced to read their ministries to be accepted, or commit my mornings to read the Morning Revival. I dislike the idea of being force fed someone else's "opinion" of the Bible. Is there truly this need to work hard to fulfil the "Lord's economy" and "recover" the church? Or is it enough to just believe and call on His name as Romans 10:13 says?

The only times I think I have "experienced" the Lord is when I am in times of need. However, is that truly an experience of Him or just the mind's attempt of creating moral support? When God answers prayers, how do I know it's not just a coincidence? When I ask my parents, I find their answers unsatisfactory. I am taught to keep praying and when something happens, perhaps through my own efforts, somehow it is all the Lord's doing and when if the prayer doesn't come true it is for me to experience hardship and grow in life? I find this hard to stomach.

I am always "highly encouraged" to become a "serving one" and serve the highschoolers or to preach the gospel and bear fruit. I personally feel the Lord has not given me such a burden. I am spiritually weak and am not capable of shepherding someone right now and yet I am always being pushed to do so... I also feel the same way about prophesying, After YP meetings and on Lord's Day, everyone is always encouraged to prophesy. In my own personal experience, while there is no verbal condemnation if you do not prophesy, I feel like I am a disappointment when I do not have a feeling to share. Sometimes, people prophesy not because they enjoyed something of the Lord, but rather, as a result of peer pressure. Of course, this is not done on purpose, but speaking from personal experience, I feel this to be quite detrimental.

I would like to say more but it's quite late here. I look forward to bring forward my questions on the forum.

Kind regards,
Lost Sheep