Probably should have made this earlier

[clever sister]

I've already been posting around the forum about some of my experiences in LC, but I guess I should post my testimony here.

I was born into the LC. While not all of my extended family is in the LC, a significant number are, enough to consider myself a 3rd generation LC member.

I was saved at about the age 10. An older sister in my locality had taken me under her wing. I looked up to her like I would a grandmother. She is one of the saints in the LC that I look to as having a genuine care for me and who shepherd me from genuine leading from the Lord. Most of our conversations were not even the 'spiritual', she would tell me about her childhood. But she preached a simple gospel to me and I was saved at that time.

A year later I was baptised. I distinctly remember telling my mother that I wanted to be baptised at an upcoming camp aimed at those around 11-13 years old, however I was surprised and thought it was a cool coincidence that the camp was on baptism. Now, of course, I know that it was deliberate, that the LC teaches to try and get YP baptised at 11/12 years old whether they are led to by the Lord or not.

I continued following the path that LC wanted, attending the high-school meetings, attended SSOT most years etc. However, while outwardly it would appear to LC I was following the path they wanted, inwardly I was starting to undergo a battle. I won't go into details, but inwardly there was a struggle between who I am as a person and who I felt I had to be to be a 'good' Christian. At the time, due to the teachings in LC, I felt that the source of this was Satan and that I could 'pray it away'. And I did pray desperately. But all I ever did was suppress that side of me, in a way which I think is connected to the depression which started as a teenager and which I still struggle with at times as an adult.

I also distinctly remember feeling like I was 'two persons'. The person I was when at school, around my friends and teachers, and the person I was in the church life. It bothered me immensely.

It continued when I started college and got involved with the Christians on Campus work (for more info on this see my Deceptions on Campus thread), but also made many new friends in my classes. In many ways I tried to resolve this through focusing on my studies, something the saints did allow which was also part of my natural person, and I did very well at university.

When I graduated one of my professors emailed me, offering for me to stay and do a thesis with him, but in my mind what the Lord wanted me to do was go to the FTTH. I attended for one semester, but left as a broken person.
When I went home my mother was very concerned for my health and took me to see the doctor. It was at this point that I was officially diagnosed with depression, and it is the worst period of depression I have ever had. However, I felt ashamed about it, and only confided in my mother and one close sister of my diagnosis.

Many saints asked me when I would return to the FTT, but I knew I could not go back. At this point I didn't leave the LC, but I know this is when I started to have doubts.

I went got a job in which I was successful, but continued my church life as best I could. It was at this point that I realised that because I had left the LC ordained path, the LC didn't really know what to do with me anymore. I was encouraged to help with the local Christians on Campus work, but felt out of place and suspected they only valued me for my 'white face'.

Instead I began volunteering in the children's work, focusing on the creche age. This is something I genuinely enjoyed, the focus was on caring for the children while their parent's attended the meeting. I still genuinely have a heart for those children, all are school age now.

In my personal life I was beginning to see I could not reconcile who I was as a person with what LC taught. I began to see flaws in both the teaching and practise. Eventually I left, initially rejecting everything and no longer considering myself a Christian.

I kept thinking of John 10:28
"I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand."

I felt like, because I had left the LC, that meant I was outside of God's hand, then was God even real, because he promised to not let anyone be snatched out of his hand.

It's interesting though, since getting in touch with others who have left the LC I feel like my faith is being restored. I realise that the LC was not where God wanted me, but I still have issues, I don't know which teachings the LC taught are true and which I need to reject, and I still have some fundamental doubts about the bible.

And I feel like maybe the Lord let me have a time of not calling myself Christian so I could somewhat heal my personality, to recover who I am. I've made mistakes in this time, in rejecting what LC taught I sometimes went too far the other way, but I felt it in my person when that happened, feeling not guilty that I had broken a rule, but feeling that I had somehow betrayed myself. There was a process I had to go through to learn to trust that feeling.

But now I finally feel at peace with who I am as a person and how I am living my life. I think the Lord is trying to heal my spirituality, which might be a process to take many more years.