My story and a plea for your insight

[tasinee]

Dear saints,

I am 29, married, from a family of believers, born again for about 14 years, living in a small south-european country. The denomination I belonged at first is ortodox, very closed, 'only-we-will-be-saved' type of denomination. So me, my parents, and a bunch of others left them since they prohibited visiting other saints from other denominations. We started meeting by ourselves, without any name, label, or leader. We just loved Jesus, and devoted our lives to Him.

Still, some among us were not really satisfied. We were constantly looking for more, for something deeper, perhaps because of some distorted views left over from the ortodox denomination we left. It was hard to learn to walk the narrow way between the legalism we left and ... whatever is on the other side. So, long story short, my brother and I got some books from Watchman Nee (non LSM publications). We greatly appreciated them, and were hungry for more. So, one day, at the end of 2012. year, we somewhere found small ad about free sets of books from Watchman Nee and Witness Lee. We didn't know the latter, but Nee made us interested. So we wrote to the email address stated there. A warm, greeting email came back. Soon, the books were received. It was something new, something that promised us what we longed for: a more real way to enjoy Christ. We started learning about our spirit, about the way to walk with Christ, etc. So we wanted more...

Soon we started having meetings on skype with this brother who sent us the books. We still didn't know anything about the massive organization we stumbled upon. Now when I look back, it reminds me of poking a giant who otherwise wouldn't even notice us, but now we have got his interest. So, this brother started teaching us things about Christ that were amazing,and we were hungry, so hungry that we didn't do much chewing, we just swallowed everything, as we were encouraged to do: to turn of our minds, our minds are just a barrier to a deeper experience of Life in our spirit. Hm.

After few months, this brother asked us if we would receive a few of them, he and some other brothers would like to come and visit us. We were flattered. Of course, you are welcome!

Few weeks after, they came. First meeting, we met at home. They started fighting the religious spirit, with much noise, calling, proclaiming, singing. They seemed so happy, so fresh, so we were infected by them. They stayed for a while, and we had many meetings over next week or two. It looked like it was just what we need, someone to teach us how to really touch this wonderful person of Jesus Christ! Hallelujah! When they left, our meetings were so much more alive, we were all so encouraged, so happy, so full of Jesus! Really, He was the center of everything we talked about and did, both personally and corporately.

It lasted a month or two. The skype meetings continued. In the meantime, we went on a small conference in the nearby state. Soon after that, on our skype meetings, some 'higher truths' started to surface. Red flags started rising. Some among us were starting to wonder where this would lead us.. some did a background research, and found out who they are.. some of us couldn't believe it could be true, some of us didn't care, being too drunk with the new 'high revelations'.. So, soon the phrases like 'you have to be willing to pay the price', 'you must leave denominational system', 'to be really satisfied with Jesus, you must satisfy Jesus [and leave them]', and similar, were being more and more often spoken out.

I couldn't get it. I was thinking, if I now know the truth, and have this glorious experience of Christ as never before, I want this for everyone!!! So why on earth would I leave everyone who doesn't have that? If they don't force me out of their lives, I would be there to lead them to the Christ as I experienced Him. Why would I spare them of my example? I was being told that I need to stand on 'the unity ground' (I don't know the exact English term). So I said, if you are forcing me to leave my dear brothers and sisters who honestly love the Lord, and serve Him the best they know, and seek Him with all they are, because they haven't understood or welcomed some 'higher truths' so eagerly as the rest of us - then this can't be of God. I will rather stay and help them grow than forsake them just like that. I stopped going on skype meetings.

A month or two after that, two families and one brother told us they can't visit our meetings anymore, they found a true home for them, have been in death long enough, they have experienced true life. So they departed from us. We never casted them out, we were never ever hostile toward them. We just called out the doctrines that seemed strange and asked about biblical basis for them. But no, that was death for them.

It all lasted about 9 months, since their first visit, until the divide. I 'left' in October 2013.

Last year in May, the Lord led me (I am not really so sure about that right now) to start working for my brother-in-law, the one who stayed with LCM all along. So I started spending much more time with him, and my sister. Of course, she often urged me to come back to them, telling me how much they need me, how much local church of my city needs me, how much the Lord needs me... Soon the pressure started being unbearable, some old wounds surfaced, I was lost. I was so depressed, I started being late for work (not more than 15 minutes), so even my job was on the line. My boss, that is, my brother in law, called me for a meeting one day. He made sure I know how much he is dissapointed with me, he expected much more of me, even though I am an exceptional worker (his words). He noticed that I was dejected about the work, and rebuked me for being late for work so often. I promised I will straighten up.

After I located the source of my depression, I realized that I should minimize my exposure to the urges of my sister, so for a month I avoided any unnecesary contact with them, except for work related. This was about three months ago. After that month, she apologized, and we started hanging out more again, as brother and sister. It was all well until a week or two ago.. it started again. By my fault, as it seems.

You see, the Lord told me two weeks ago that when I 'left' LCM, I actually closed my heart for Him. I wanted to follow Him, but I was repelled by anything that looks similar to what I saw in LCM. Even to the point that it was so hard for me to be spontanious with the Lord. In some way, I was being repelled by the Lord Himself! It was hard for me to have permanent intimacy and build relationship with the Lord. So, I realized that, and I repented, and opened my heart to Him, to heal my wounds and restore my heart into relationship with Him. I spontaneously started calling upon His name and opening to Him when I had a moment of solitude, and I felt so refreshed, like I haven't for a long time. So I may have hinted to my sister some of that. She got it so, so wrong, you bet. She started rejoicing that I will soon join them! And I feel miserable again, seeing her joyful as never before. Yes, she finds more joy in the idea of me joining them than in me being right with the Lord. So the repelling is back, I despise this kind of faith, I despise this Jesus, their Jesus! And I am confused, because my Jesus has the same name, and I have to fight hard to keep my heart open to Him, and to love them. Knowing I have to fail their expectations which they claim are actually the Lord's expectations, breaks my heart. Are they the Lord's expectations? Are they? I don't know anymore.

Can you please honestly answer this questions:
1. What is really this 'ground of unity'? Biblically? Is it physical position? How can I be sure that I am standing there?
2. How can I please Jesus?
3. How can I enjoy Jesus?
4. Is it possible to be full of joy and peace outside of this LCM?
5. How can I biblically refute their expectations of me?

I think I know some of the answers, but I need your confirmation..