I've Been Thinking

[countmeworthy]

Originally Posted by Lost at Sea

So it's been a couple of days since I last wrote... so where to begin?

doing good Girl friend!!

Say.. looks like you changed your name to 'Lost at sea'. Very interesting name... perhaps you already know that the word sea in the bible actually means 'world'. So you are lost in the world?? Welcome aboard!! You aren't alone!!!

That's like telling me that if I leave the LC church into the world or to one of THOSE churches out there, that bad things are going to happen to me or I'm going straight to hell. Mmm... I'll keep what I have now... So far nothing bad has happened outside his will if there even is a will...much less a God. I was scared as hell when I finally slipped away from the LC into the world. Evil me, evil people, evil world... Even an evil God who is going to chase/smite me. I don't think there can be anything worse than the hell experienced on this earth.

I'm going out on a limb here.. UntoHim meant well... sometimes we just put our feet in our mouths!! I've done that many a time but I'm learning to express myself in a way I don't come across as 'better than thou'. Now.. just so you know... I ASK God the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom in how to express myself.

When I first started reading my bible..Colossians 4:5-6 really spoke to me
Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity. 6 Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.

When I read those scriptures, I began asking the LORD to help me, to teach me how to conduct myself..how to speak to people, to grant me Wisdom on how to respond to people especially when they pluck my very last nerve!

I've stumbled a few times but God is pretty good about dusting me off. His Spirit and His Word are really Great Teachers. That of course is my own personal experience. And btw.. back in 1975, the LC read from the KJ and the NASB. We were encouraged to read the scriptures on our own as well as with each other in homes and in the meetings. The RcV translation was just starting to wiggle it's way in. I left in 1978 so a lot of what you and most people here on this forum have been through stuff I can't really relate to but can imagine because I had a TASTE of what you and everyone here have been through.

If there even is such a place called hell. I'd say that in my mind it's hell, in my heart it's hell...can't be anything worse, and if there is no hell then I'll just die a natural death. Okay.. this is getting too morbid and I have to mind my depression-induced thoughts...so onto another topic

Morbid??? Naaaa... I think everyone here truly understands what you are going through!! You are going through HELL on earth.. and it's mostly in your mind.

You know what king David said to the Lord one day?
He said:
If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol (hell), behold, You are there.

There is an actual place called hell btw. It's in the center of the earth. People have gone to the moon and back but no person has ever climbed down to the center of the earth due to the heat of lava and fire. We know that there is lava and fire and unbearable heat because hell sometimes throws up through volcanoes.

Incidentally.. hell and the lake of fire are 2 different places. Just know they are not one and the same. But I won't go there for now.

There is another type of hell... and yes sometimes earth is HELL! When we play the depressing broken records in our heads and we enter a state of depression.. it IS HELL!! There was a time I felt I worked IN HELL for 6 long years ! But I GOT SET FREE FROM THAT HELL HOLE!! THANK YOU LORD JESUS !!! (sorry if that offended you. JESUS IS MY GOD and I make no apologies for thanking Him..for saving me..for delivering me..)

So I'm not really able to answer Carol's question... But I would think that the short answer would be 'no'. I think. Then again.. maybe it's 'yes'? Okay...I think the answer is more like 'maybe' or I'm not sure or I don't know. Okay...I think I will say not sure. Not really able to ask or answer questions just yet...

The reason I asked is because I was raised Catholic.. and while it is totally different from the LC..believe it or not the LC eventually took on some of the RCC's traits. When I was growing up, I was TAUGHT to believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. I was taught to believe Jesus died on the cross for my sins, resurrected and ascended to heaven. I was taught to pray ritualistic prayers. etc.......

But I did love hearing the stories about Jesus. And I did pray to Him in my own way..being real with Him.

I went to Catholic school for 12 years and never knew Jesus could live in me and guide me, direct my path through His Spirit. I also saw the HIPPOCRACY of the religious bunch from priests and nuns to the Catholic people. But like you, I could only question things I saw and did not like to myself. Btw, that same thing happened to me when I was in the LC.

Remember I said the day the leaders told us to say THE LORD'S DAY instead of Sunday, I knew the religious spirits had infiltrated the LC AND the Spirit of Christ had left. Did you ever read Revelation 2? Jesus rebukes the Ephesians for doing everything 'right' but they loved their 'works' and their 'zealousness' more than HIM. Their works and zealousness for God's work became their idol, their god.

I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING when they told us that! What happened to hating religion?? Again, like you, I had no liberty to ask them. I knew it would not be long before I'd be labeled as 'rebellious'.. or at best have a gazillion people start blurting out 'O LORD JEEEEEESUS' to shut me up.

I finally got used to hearing audibly my own voice 4 years ago, but can't voice my thoughts or have a face-to-face conversation... or more correctly a confrontation, BUT...I found that as much as it's hard to think and ask questions, writing is good for the soul and I found that I can think through my thoughts and question things without fear by writing!

You're doing GOOD!! 4 months before I got saved, I wrote a 'Dear God' letter. I hated my life. I had no direction. I hated the hippocracy I saw in my Catholic, worldly friends'. I kid you not. I heard a Voice tell me 'Call on Jesus. Talk to Jesus'. (That was the VOICE OF GOD. That was God the Holy Spirit speaking to me.) But I did not want to go through a 'middle man' to get to GOD. I WANTED to go straight to the Top Dog.

So... just so you know ... there are at least 3 voices we sometimes hear in our heads. Some people hear more than 3 voices but we won't go there.

The 3 voices are: YOUR OWN VOICE... such as 'hmmm... do I HAVE TO do that?? Do I HAVE to pay my bills, go to work, go to school, clean house etc.

The 2nd Voice is God's Voice. And I gave you an example. Sometimes His Voice is very clear. I will tell you something I find funny. God the Holy Spirit has YELLED at me!!... not to get mad at me but just to make sure I HEARD HIM LOUD AND CLEAR!

And the 3rd voice is the devil's voice. You may say you don't believe in the devil since you don't (think) you believe in God. If you don't believe in God, then you can't believe in the devil. If there's a north, there's a south. If there's an east there's a west. If God exists, so does the devil. If God does not exist, neither does the devil. But if the devil does not exist, then how can there be evil? What makes a person become violent ? a serial killer?..pure evil??

ok.. moving right along...

Anyway... Back to when I was 12. I seem to have very good memories of being in church before 1985/1986... I think it was until summer/fall of 1986. I remember children's meeting...and everything was normal. Then I get this 'special' NT Bible. Now I've seen my mother read the kjv at home...but other than that I have seen or heard of no other Bible... But this special rcv seemed like it was of more importance than one that's not rcv.

I had already left the LC THANK GOD.. (even though I still miss some of my LC friends.. still love them.. I have good memories)..but I believe from what I've read, the mid 80's was the next big 'rebellious' wave. The first one I think was the 'Max rebellion'. He stood up to Witness Lee and his minions and paid a heavy duty price for it.

Do you realize the spirit of PRIDE, the downfall of Lucifer slitthered itself in (again or grew stronger) with the insistence that the RcV was more 'special' than the other translations?

If you've ever gone to Barnes and Noble..and have checked out the bible shelves, you won't find the 'Mormon bible', 'the Jehovah Witness' bible or the RcV bible. I do think you can buy the RcV off Amazon but why is it not sold at B&N???

Hmmm.... nor at any other Christian book store??? HMMMM.

I felt so privileged and so special that I was going to the one and only true church in NY and I owned a better Bible than anybody outside and how special we all were because we are in the lords recovery and the only ones on earth who are truly going to heaven. But yet at the same time I was going to hell because I wasn't progressing as an overcomer.

Well.. if that's how you felt, your 'mentors' did a very poor job of pointing you to your SAVIOR. In fact they never did!! That's just how the RCC operates!!!

I have a neighbor who is a very sweet man..very helpful..a very nice neighbor. He & his wife are diehard Catholics. In fact he studied for several years to become a deacon in the church. We have talked about the LORD and prayed together.. or at least I have prayed out loud with him for him when he has shared some of his concerns.

Not patting myself on my back.. all Praise belongs to GOD Who uses me for His Glory...but he has on more than one occasion told me how I have blessed him. Now his duties as a deacon is to give a message during a mass, officiate at funerals, and assist the 'priest' in whatever way he can.

Why am I telling you this?? There is a POINT... one day, I asked him how he was feeling as he has some health issues. He said this to me: " Not really great.. If the Lord calls me home, I'm ready. I JUST HOPE I GO TO HEAVEN!!!'

Really??? He doubted his salvation??? Stupid Roman Catholic church!! They are going to PAY for their wrong teachings !!!

Well the sad thing is that I truly believed that I wasn't a chosen one because...firstoff I only called on the name of the lord because the one who was saving me I did not like as a person in the first place because she was always on my case about other things like the morning watch sheet and experience sheet and why I didn't hand it in or when i did, why it was always blank. I somehow knew that she and others went to the Anaheim training and the exuberance turned me off.

Hey.. I remember when we'd have some long drawn out shouting chantings of 'O LORD JESUS'.... Because I knew He was real to me.. I truly experienced His Spirit coming inside me when I got saved and feeling exceedingly cleansed by His Blood.. I wouldn't shout. I spoke His Name softly in a deep personal way. It was a 'one on one' moment.. a Love connection between Him and me. I loved Him then and Love Him even more now.

Several years ago, an LC sister came to Texas to go 'churching'.. visited several 'localities'. She was one I was friends with back in the day but while we got along ok after we reconnected, I had a really hard time with her LSM garbage talk. She'd send me cds from the meetings by the 'blended brothers'. I would TRY to listen to them but couldn't get past the first 5 minutes !! She'd send me all those booklets and I'd glance at them and threw them all out. I'd get a SICK FEELING even just glancing at them !!!

I'm telling you.. there is a wrong, deceptive spirit in that place!!

Then I took her to an LC location. Met a few of the LSMrs there, and a picture was taken. They all chanted 'O LORD JEEESUS'. i REFUSED to chant with them!! And I LOVE MY KING AND LORD JESUS!!! But no way was I going to chant with them !! It's a different spirit.

You know why I believe I'm a chosen one?? Because my bible says so!! It also says I am a king and priest !! (Revelation 1:6 and 5:10)
I may not feel like I am but I SURE BELIEVE IT AND RECEIVE IT! GLORY AND PRAISE TO GOD with Thanksgiving!! I don't care if people believe I'm chosen or not?? And neither should you!! GOD IS SPEAKING TO YOU! HE is the One Who is making you see through religion and HE HATES RELIGION!! HE HATES 'CHRISTIANITY'. IT IS A MAN MADE RELIGION.

You know what makes you an 'overcomer'? The Blood of the Lamb and the Word of your testimony. (Revelation 12:10-11) Right now.. your testimony is you don't believe in God. But you are SEEKING THE TRUTH and you WILL BE LED TO THE TRUTH.

I quickly learned how to protect myself... and that this lords recovery thing that was amidst would be a big force for me to contend with. I quickly learned how to be sly and lie...in self-defense.

yep ! me too!! I wanted to always be a 'good sister' in 'good standing' so I learned to cross my t's and dot my i's. But I had some deep embedded emotional problems I could not talk to anyone about. It took 30 yrs after I got saved for me to be delivered from a stronghold in my life. THIRTY LONG YEARS!! But I am truly set free now!!!
If I did not pray/call on the name of the lord and 'get saved', my intuition told me that it was just best to get it over with to avoid conflict... because somehow... I knew that saying 'I'm not ready' would not be well-received. I would not be understood...I had to go with the flow. How is a 12 yr old going to convince a 30/40 yr old lady?? (I have no idea how old she was, only that she was pushy and forceful...whether she knew it or not, I don't know). Perhaps she was just being well-meaning...but I knew she would not understand my readiness. So I was saved and baptised but did it for the wrong reasons, yet at the same time for the right reasons for my own sake. I wanted to be left alone, you know...like when someone finally makes a false confession after hours of questioning and just wants to go home. Well, I had enough discord at home, I had enough discord at the lc piano...how my playing wasn't edifying and up to par with a 35 yr old for children's meeting so I had a problem with two serving ones regarding their unhappiness....yet because they were always short of pianists...were always coming to me to 'serve'....I'm serving ...I'm only 12...a couple years later, I would intentionally not show up.. I know ...it wasn't nice or the right thing to do...but every time I played...it wasn't good enough and I was told so and berated. Where else did I feel that? In the summer school of truth...in a circle...calling on the name of the lord... Not performing well/good enough. I quickly learned that in this church, I was not appreciated. And that would also show when we prayed...when I shared/prophesied. That I couldn't understand the life lessons...that I couldn't grasp this high knowledge...I couldn't grasp the language/jargon....I just accepted it at face value that I just had to stick it out.

Was it because I didn't know God/the Lord? Perhaps. Because I wasn't truly saved? Perhaps. Or was it that there was this unusual phenomenon? I tried as I might. I really tried, but while all my peers "got" what was being taught and were able to follow the gods economy and life lessons and what have you.. the outlines, I wasn't following.... I wasn't grasping... I felt left out... Really left out..

Shoots! I didn't even understand their stupid terminology!!! But how in the world could you experience 'life lessons' when you HAD NONE!! You were trapped, secluded and stifled in your environment. Have you been hearing the stuff that goes on in the church of scientology?? There is an actress named Leah Remini who is telling her story. She was in that 'church' since she was a child. And left a couple of years ago. She is speaking strongly against it and it's controlling ways. Grant it..it's not anything like the LC but the tactics are similar if you ask me! Google her. Read her story. I think she is also doing a documentary on A & E.

You weren't appreciated?? NO ONE IS APPRECIATED IN THE LC unless they are 'yes men'.. 'Witness Lee yes men'. Example... do you know, remember John Ingalls?? He was a close co worker of Witness Lee, as was Max Rappaport. (I wonder if they were ever friends... ) The entire WORLD WIDE LC community loved and revered these 2 guys until they stood up to Lee. Then they were ostricised by all the stupid die hard sheeple who were followers of LEE. Those who loved them truly, either kept their mouths shut and 'suffered quietly' for the sake of staying in good standing with the LSM OR they left. And leaving is not easy!! You are programmed to believe there is nothing better out there. You don't know how to make friends. Even CHRISTIAN people won't understand what you went through. They are in their own world too !!

Would extra help have help? Maybe. Tutoring? Maybe. Now that I think about it... I just wanted something that was easier to understand. Why all this hard stuff? Why all this higher truth? God must be really complicated... Too hard to understand...

Just like you are reaching out to us, pouring out your soul, you should try talking to GOD. Tell HIM just what you are feeling. Tell Him you don't believe He is real. Have a TALK with HIM. Write HIM a letter. I did and it did wonders for me.

I would later in 12th grade...have fights with my mother and refuse to go 5 days a week for two weeks to this summer school of truth. Which only caused hate and tension between my sister and I... She would hate me those years in Sst because she got the rap from the elders/serving ones .. where is your sister? Why isn't she here? I was having trouble keeping up in Sst.. and her hate for me would only grow through the years. Not only was I not keeping up, I didn't like sst because there in order to protect myself and go with the flow, I had to learn how to lie pretty quickly... To prepare something to testify just like my peers...from the outlines... From the life lessons... From god's economy and the truth lessons (it's been so long that I don't remember if the life lessons and truth lessons are the same or two things)... Had to just be like the others. Say two paragraphs...and something of substance.

Look.. your mom & sister were programmed and brainwashed too. Cut them some slack. I don't know what your relationship is with her and your sister. I hope you've all been able to heal and mend fences.

HATE is an emotion. A very strong emotion. God hates evil and wickedness. That's the only time He expresses or talks about HATE. GOD'S real Name is LOVE. People will spit in His Face and He extends Mercy. He is Patient because He knows His adversary is brainwashing people to hate Him, to doubt Him, to blame HIM for their problems.

As if that wasn't bad enough (sharing/prophesying is not my God-give talent.... FAR from it)... I had to say it in front of "everyone"... AND make it believable that I enjoyed it... UGHHH!!!.... Only to either be looked at like...what did she say or only to hear one amen but often no Amen's. What I said was mostly met with dead silence. That was extremely humiliating.. Sst ...yp meeting... Friday night adult meeting... I'm a kid... making a fool of myself... at my humiliation... at the expense of my meager pride and small confidence... I knew who I was...where I stood... I was dumb... I was the least of everyone... just trying to keep up... survive... all this terminology, language, phrases...

Chalk it up as a learning experience. If you have ever read Joseph's life story in Genesis, he went through HELL. His brothers envied him soo much, they sold him to the Midianites who then sold him to Egypt when he was 17 yrs old. Long story short.. when he is reconciled with his brothers, he tells them "you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good."

God was not near...

He was and is nearer than you think... but you can't figure him out in your head..your mind. You have to seek Him in your heart. He has probably tried to get your undivided attention on more than one occasion but that LC/LSM garbage has confused you and lied to you. Try to pay attention to the little things. He's sometimes just 'right there' but if you don't stop and take a deep breath, you will miss Him. He does SPEAK and I bet He has talked to you on more than one occasion but you didn't recognize His Voice because the stupid religious spirits block His Voice so all you hear is the LSM voices not HIS!

and I don't think it had anything to do with my false salvation. You would "think" that I would at least be able to understand _something_. I did. I do catch on to some major points. All other churches are Babylon/whore. We are the true church. We are the overcomers in this gravely sinful world. Don't leave the church or bad things will happen to you like get run over by a truck or in a car accident or an earthquake or a flood... or a mudslide.

Yeppers... we hear ya ! We were all there.. but we made it out!!! And we are all ALIVE !! Maybe not in the best of health physically.. but we ARE ALIVE AND WELL!! SCREW THE LSM!!!

The triune god... 3 in 1.

I LOVE THE GODHEAD!! I have learned to have a relationship with God the Father, God the Son/the WORD Who became flesh and God the Holy Spirit the Voice of God, Who is our Teacher and Counselor. But that's way over your head! So I won't go there.

God became incarnate Jesus...who then became the life-giving spirit. Boy would I be in for a rude awakening when I visited over 30 churches on Long Island post-lc. The triune god is not the world's Trinity. Modalism vs. Trinity. Oh... But it's different because all the other churches are evil and have wrong doctrine. They don't have the rcv.... which I would soon later learn that the hymns and rcv verses were revised to fit the lc theology... Spirit's changed to spirit's... and vice versa. To fit our moralistic view of the Trinity. Pastors out here told me... No, lost-at-sea... God did NOT turn into Jesus who then turned into the Spirit... And they showed me the verse in the NIV Bible where the dove is over Jesus when he got baptised (I think... I haven't touched a Bible in about 15 years). It's not like water where an ice cube turns into water which turns into water vapor. Every church out here believes that except the LC! Huh???? No wonder they are degraded!!!!!

I searched for a church out here and for God visiting over 30 churches in one year. I finally gave up... on church... and on God. I never measured up in the LC anyways. I knew I was the least of the whole church group. I tried. I really tried. But my spirit was killed in every respect. It didn't matter. Even my piano playing/serving... was judged... so hurt me that I wouldn't play in a church for 20 years. Although there are many dear saints in the lc I was at, the one emotion that I didn't feel ... is love or appreciation. I only started feeling it 3 years ago... playing the piano again... for a small community church in my backyard.... yeah... one of "those" degraded churches down the road. They tell me that I am such a blessing... I don't do it for show....or for admiration... just from the heart... to help the small strugglingchurch... to help me at the same time who has my own struggles. But yeah... in some small way... it's a taste of heaven... and a once unappreciated God-given talent has been revived for his glory. Where the LC wanted huge fancy chords and loud edifying playing... where I am, I just play light-honestly from the heart.... and I've heard that God knows people's hearts....

God IS LOVE. But if God IS Love, how come the LSM does not show love. Lee was a weird guy... he knew a lot...or he made people THINK he knew a lot... Bunch of BS.. he took a lot of his knowledge from other people before him but he didn't tell the sheeple that!!! Unless he talked about Watchman Nee or Pember or someone he wanted the sheeple to know. But the guy was married with a slew of kids .. 8 I think.. and yet no one knew anything about his family. ..except for Philip when he got caught fornicating and the other guy who had some shady dealings.. or something.

He never expressed or showed any love for anyone!! I don't even think he loved his Lord and King!!! I'm telling you... consider what Jesus said to the Ephesians:
“I know all the things you do. I have seen your hard work and your patient endurance. I know you don’t tolerate evil people. You have examined the claims of those who say they are apostles but are not. You have discovered they are liars. 3 You have patiently suffered for me without quitting.

4 “But I have this complaint against you. You don’t love me or each other as you did at first! 5 Look how far you have fallen! Turn back to me and do the works you did at first. If you don’t repent, I will come and remove your lampstand from its place among the churches. [/B]

And look at you !! Being a blessing by playing the piano to that little group of people in your backyard !!

I pray, hope and BELIEVE YOU are going to experience and feel a lot of LOVE in the days to come. Be prepared to shed a tear or two.. or maybe even a bucket of tears!

May the God of LOVE embrace you and fill your heart with inner peace, the Peace of GOD which only you will understand and experience and KNOW intimately. Then you will understand what I am talking about.. not just me but most of us here on this forum as well.

Your friend,
Carol