I've Been Thinking

I've been reading some of the other threads... and although some of what I read is disturbing...it validates what I was taught at a very young age and my view of the outside world, my past and current struggles... but it doesn't take away the pain or the flashbacks or the pressure I felt. It's been pretty bothersome and makes me want to cry. I can talk to a therapist but they would probably never really understand me... what I was in... what life was like... I almost feel like I grew up in a cult. I don't mean to offend anyone by saying so... but I speak from my own experience...

While others enjoyed the Lord... that's great. But what about people like me...who on the other hand knew I was better than all the sinful ones in the denominations...but yet was a 2nd class Christian inside the LC, amongst everyone including my own age group? What about people like me who took everything literally since I was a child to separate myself from the world and so did not relate to or talk with anyone in school or around me because they were Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran because they were on the wrong path... so the two choices I had were to convert the person to the LC way or not associate. Looking back on my life now as an atheist, I took things too seriously and literally and I believe that the church I went to really affected the way I related to the world around me and still does. I have relational problems...I have major trust issues... have been able to make some headway with making and having a few friends... whereas when I was younger and going to LC I had few or no friends... only ones inside church. I have major problems with associating with people around my age and especially with the other gender. I have problems in church where I cannot bear hearing the hymns, verses read or the sermon.... And major problems with older men (brothers...deacons...pastors.... and keep to myself about my non-beliefs...). I really wonder how others who no longer go to church... no longer Christian are doing... and how they got on with their life... Sometimes I think that if I ever had the opportunity to learn from them or talk to them...perhaps they would really understand and get me. From my point of view... it wouldn't make me feel any better to know that they suffered... or went into the world to do drugs or drink alcohol...or dove into "other worldly pleasures". The ones who went into the world... just simply to live a normal and healthy life... how did they turn out... without church... without God... are they doing fine? I don't know any... perhaps someone here might. All my peers and any else I knew married someone in the LC and are raising their kids in it. They don't seem as affected as me... not as "crazy" as me or as bothered if they even see anything wrong at all. All of them went to conferences and the FTTA but I was the only one in my peer group (and probably the whole church) who didn't other than a few conferences and retreats in NY, NJ, CT and MA , but from reading the lengthy discussions of the topics it doesn't seem like I missed out on anything much. I'm probably the only one out of the whole church turned atheist, but I plan to continue living the rest of my life as one... It is the path I found for myself...it is finally my decision and not something forced or chosen for me. It wasn't easy getting to this point but it was better than the alternative. I was so alienated from the world around me that I really didn't want to be alive anymore... it was all too much. When I do think about all this, it still is too much. When I don't, I can better manage life and going to heaven or earth doesn't concern me. I can live with whatever the outcome is or isn't, will or will not be. The main thing is that I just at this point want to live a decent human life that I can be proud of in a not-so-proudful way and for Christians I run into to understand that and respect that and not expect to convert me or hope that I one day identify again as a Christian.

I just wish that a part of me could get past all the things of my lc past... I wish I didn't flinch everytime biblical or non-biblical or redefined biblical phrases were said. I just really wish I could move on with and in life... And not be haunted by my experiences. The calling on the name of the lord and constant shouting and condescension has had a great effect on me. Along with family dynamics growing up that also contributed, I do feel that the lc upbringing for me was deceivingly feel-good-positive for me, but might explain ptsd symptoms and flashbacks that I can't seem to overcome. All the shouting... jumping on and off chairs .. pumping of fists... over zealousness, arrogance....just seemed to me more like verbal abuse than others' enjoyment.... pray reading... shouting amen after each phrase...even when someone was praying... My face would freeze everytime and grow numb. I never knew when the next outburst would be... and it would be spontaneous because spontaneity was always stressed else we were blamed for being in our minds or not exercising our spirits and being lukewarm saints not on fire for the lord. I had enough yelling, shouting and blaming as it was at home.. I didn't need more at church as a child. I have major flashbacks and anxiety issues. I also remember such great peer pressure to conform... And remember the first time I was to call on the name of the lord when I was 12. We made a circle and each person was to call on the name of the lord 3 times or as many times needed to get into their spirit. Most only needed to call on the name 3 times. Then it was my turn. I didn't know or understand what I was doing. So I hoped that I only had to do it 3 times... And tried to do it as best as I could and hoping that it would be as genuine sounding and not forced. Unfortunately I didn't pass because it wasn't loud/intense enough... And was told to do it again.. 1 more time... Then again....then again.. it felt like I must have called 30 times in 5-10 minutes... It left an impression on me... It was one of the most humiliating experiences. I don't doubt it worked for others... But that was totally not me and out of character. The same with getting saved.. like I was just supposed to believe in 30 seconds, call on the name of the lord and pray just because my whole class was saved the week before and they didn't want me to feel left out. Something wrong with the picture if everyone around me was rejoicing... including the angels one told me... except me. I felt the same thing about the baptism... we did it as a class. But after I was..it was really weird..and confusing... Years later I would see one person baptized... and the same person baptized a month later.. why? Because there was something wrong with the first time..I don't know... Nothing seemed wrong with the first time. I've been two times myself. Once in lc and once later in non-LC because the first time didn't count according to the pastor. I've decided that two times is enough in my lifetime...there won't be a third time. I'm tired of pretending.

Thanks for reading. I was crying when I started writing this but feel so much better to get this off my chest. I have a lot on my mind and a lot of inner struggles... especially since I just started working with a non-Christian therapist recently... found this website... and saw a psychiatrist who didn't quite seem to get why I'm so paranoid about the outside world and at one point thought I was becoming God.... I think my therapist understands me since I referred her here so she could read/see a little of the discussions... but don't think that the psychiatrist grasps it. Having to rehash everything to be helped is actually not helping me and causing me distress, but to be helped I have to rehash, remember, relive... I wish things happened oh so differently. One thing for sure is that the LC affected every aspect of my life including my thinking, outlook, relationships, who I was and who I am. I just wish I could salvage what's left of my life in this lifetime to live it fully...