Where DO we go from here?

[Peter Debelak]

Originally Posted by djohnson

Peter from your posts it seems to me that you are consciously trying to work through your growing-up-in-the-LCS experience. This no doubt puts you in another category. How would you define it?

dj:

I gotta say, each one of these descriptions have fit me at one point and at present, not a single one does...

There was a time when I was neck deep in the world, that I attempted to reject God and I told Him so (note the irony). At the time, there was bitterness toward what I viewed as a mere culture which formed my previous beliefs - no different than if I were born into a Buddhist family - and a bitterness that the intensity of that mere culture had stolen my youth from myriad other "fulfilling" and positive pursuits in the world.

When the Lord slowly drew me back to Himself, that included returning - to some extent - to the LC (at least in body, though not really in mindset). There was much I appreciated, much I rejected. But mostly, I did and continue to be endeared by my brothers and sisters there - particularly the ones with whom I have forged relationships. There are still so many from my childhood and even college years whom I consider to be second families - both of the "LSM persuasion" and "non-LSM". I would, despite many strong disagreements with aspects of the LC culture and teaching, still go with any of these ones to a meeting where they meet - be it in Cleveland or Anaheim. Sure, I would prefer just to sit down one-on-one over coffee, but I have no drothers meeting with them whereever it is they worship God.

On the other side, I have tried several different Christian groups, some for semi-extensive period of time. I don't reject other groups as such, but at present, I don't have the grace to meet in any formal way with a particular group.

Ugh. I don't really know how to discuss this topic. I recall fondly my childhood, even as I recognize the deceptions or the skin-deep nature of a lot of my actions and beliefs at the time. I do believe I allowed, to a certain extent, my responsibilities to God to be handed over to others by virtue of certain teachings and practices. But I loved and love the saints who raised me and with whom I was raised - even in my later years of skeptism of the LC. There are some who just could care less about the arguments among the cardinals (rightly or wrongly) and just desire to live in mutual care for one another. And there are some who, though they remain in an "LSM-church," are seeking and challenging rather than being bleating sheep...

I miss the singing. I miss the Sunday dinners after the Lord's table (even when I would roll my eyes at being "sherherded" as if I was a target sheep who needed extra counseling). I miss the joy. Today, I believe my relationship with the Lord is deeper than it ever has been. But it is a somewhat solemn/serious relationship. It is a loving relationship. It is a fruitful relationship. But I lack that joy. Perhaps the expressions of "joy" in the LC are surface and skin-deep. Perhaps I have joy but define it improperly... I don't know. But there is something lacking in my present experience.

This is not nostalgia. It is an attempt to be self-honest before the Lord - about my past and my present experience of Him. It has been easy for me in the past to think that, because I rightlyfully recognized and withdrew from unhealthy practices, my life now was inherently healthy. It is not. I hope He ever-convicts me of that. There is a lot that was good and full of love and life in the LC, if only it wasn't viewed in such an elitist way. I hope, even as I am exposed to and reject the unhealthy teachings I once and do believe, I am also led to an appreciation of what is genuine before the Lord - even when it happens in a "group" with whose teachings/practices the Lord is unhappy.

Sorry for the ramble. I hope it is not too off topic.

In Love,

Peter