Church kid from the 80s (Anaheim)

[bettercountry]

My family migrated to Anaheim in 1976 and I grew up in the local church there from that time until the late 80s when the “storm” caused so many to leave, myself included. Although I whole-heartedly agree with the general consensus of this forum that there were/are many errors in the teachings and culture of Nee/Lee/LR/LC/LSM, there were undeniably many experiences I had, especially prior to 1986, that were extremely positive. There were many sweet and rich times of fellowship, teaching, prayer and singing, and there were undoubtedly, many genuine believers who played a huge role in my spiritual journey in coming to know Christ as my personal Savior. And I know that many others had similar positive experiences as myself. Perhaps, one would suggest…the Holy Spirit graciously was present and moving DESPITE the many problems that existed even prior to 1986 in the LR/LC. But, I think that could be said of any and all churches, this side of heaven. Whether in our personal life or in a church setting, it is the UNMERITED FAVOR of God through His Spirit that He bestows upon us because of the work and person of Jesus. That’s because we are so imperfect, even in those times when we think we are righteous.

Of course, when the numerous downright heretical and fleshly/demonic teachings and practices in the LR/LC started arising ~1986, it seemed that whatever presence and blessing of the Holy Spirit that was still in the Lord’s Recovery up that point all but dissipated. Even as a young person, I clearly felt this. The richness and sweetness was gone. Again, I’m not saying that prior to 1986 there weren’t problems and doctrinal errors. But, the nature of the LR completely changed in ~1986 in that the general goal of WL/LSM was no longer Christ.

Below are some of my major experiences from about 1986 until I eventually left the LR/LC:
- Around 1986, in various church meetings, I began to hear talk from WL about the “New Way”. Even as a 14 year-old, I remember having a very uneasy feeling inwardly about this New Way. The general impression and experience I had was that there was a shift from seeking Christ to something other than Christ.
- A huge by-product of the New Way was that personal testimonies and experiences of Christ were now frowned upon and discouraged. Instead, speaking about the New Way or regurgitating texts from an LSM publication was now what gained approval.
- The New Way resulted in church meetings — even Lord’s Table meetings — being moved from the meeting hall to various homes (this, in and of itself, was probably not necessarily a bad thing….but the purpose and focus of this was completely wrong) (also, another effect was that many of the YP gradually lost touch with each other and grew discouraged and no longer attended meetings)
- My involvement in the door-knocking movement. I went on a few door-knocking sessions, and every time, I felt sick to my stomach by the time we returned. The way we just memorized and regurgitated the “Mystery of Human Life” pamphlet and the insincere/love-less conversations and forceful baptisms….with the overall focus on numbers. Writing down numbers and celebrating with other teams on a public bulletin board when we all announced our numbers/achievements. Disgusting.
- The ugly Lord’s Day morning meetings. The shouting and terrible arguments during the meetings. So loud that the children downstairs could hear the thunderous yelling of the adults. I know…because I was often serving in “Sunday School” (or “Children’s Meeting, as we called it) and had to try to distract or explain what was happening to the kids.
- The 1987 Young People’s conference in Taiwan. I attended. We dressed up like junior FTT’rs and essentially attended a conference that was just full of focus on WL and “the ministry” and on numbers. And how WE could bring the Lord back because WE were soooo special. Fortunately, I was able to be mostly preoccupied in doing video work during the conference so I could either be assigned to do camera-work during the meetings or hide out in a tech room.
- The 1987 YP’s conference in Irving, which immediately followed the Taipei training. I don’t remember who all the speakers are, but they were essentially the same ones that spoke in Taipei. I remember Jake Jacobsen and Dan Towle being a couple of the main speakers. For reasons unknown to myself at the time, I was starting to get very angry. Angry even at serving ones to the point I got in a face to face argument with one. This was so far from who I was by nature…and it left me shocked at myself. I didn’t know at the time why I was acting out like this, but of course, I later realized it was because I was conflicted. My conscience was not at peace. Deep inside, I knew that the only community I had ever known and the place/people that had once brought me the greatest feeling of joy and purpose would be something I would have to relinquish. My parents had already left the LC by this time. But, for the first time, I began to have deep personal conviction.
- The 1987 Irving baptisms into the New Way. Regrettably, I participated. Horrendous. I wish I could take that back, but fortunately, the Lord knows every person’s heart. I repented and I believe the Lord forgave me. I know there were others who, that night, whether they participated or refrained, came to the same crossroads and realization that I did, in terms of the dark place the Lord’s Recovery had become.
- Spring 1988 SoCal YP’s retreat at Pilgrim Pines - continued and magnified teaching and endorsement of the New Way by the same leading brothers. A large portion of one particular meeting was dedicated to going around the entire room — to every attendee (several hundred) — and counting one by one — what essentially was conveyed as a vow to become a full-timer upon graduation from college. Pressured/forceful.
- YPGs - Youth Propagation Groups. I was briefly in one. There were even songs we sang about YPGs. One I remember in particular said something like “500,000 you will see; next year there will be in YPG”. Again, focus on numbers. The YP in meetings would get excited when the speaker(s) would ramble off potential numbers that would be saved through YPG. I don’t remember anything we did whenever a YPG meeting took place other than burnings. I remember going to a friend’s house for a YPG “meeting” and we would just burn what we deemed to be worldly possessions (continuation of a practice that started in Irvine 1987). This, again, not a bad thing if done from the right heart. In fact, a very good thing if done from the proper heart and with the right conviction from Christ. What we did was so far removed from that. It was all a show.

By the Lord’s grace, He gave me the eventual understanding and discernment (and strength) to leave the LR/LC completely by around 1990. Because the LC had given me my source of identity and the only place I had ever known in terms of a community, it took me a while to fully walk away, but I eventually did. It was extremely difficult and painful, to say the least. Painful in human terms, but of course, it was the right and necessary thing to do. Ultimately, the Lord led me out because of His grace and mercy.

Having said all this, however……in some ways, I feel this is not totally a “lived happily ever after” story, unfortunately. Although my walk with Christ has deepened tremendously after leaving the LC, there were enough good experiences/memories I had while in the LC (prior to 1986) that has left part of my soul longing for some of those things. Especially since these are things that I have not experienced in the churches I have been a part of since I left the LC, or at least not to the level I experienced in the LC. Things like open and corporate singing, prayer, participation in sharing, etc. And, even some of the rich exposition of the Word. To me, they were definitely a foretaste of what heaven must be like, and because of that, I miss it dearly and long for it. Which is, in a broad sense, I guess sort of the underlying theme of my nick/handle. We, who are in Christ, in so many ways “long for a better country”, like those in Hebrews 11. On earth, even at its best, we still sigh and groan in many ways. And that’s to be expected.

I also grieve with the fact that I lost communication with many people I still care about deeply. And, even if there is some occasion that causes our paths to cross, fellowship is difficult, primarily because of the belief by LC members that those outside the LR/LC are lost or rebellious, and some would even say, unsaved. The feeling for me (when I see someone from the LC) is like attending a family reunion, but not being able to connect with anyone. Some may treat by shunning. Or, others may treat me with kindness, but in a pitied way. If only I could just have genuine heart-to-heart conversations, about life and about Christ.

Most of all though, regarding the LR/LC, the feelings of sorrow I still have pertain mostly to this — I grieve for those who are still trapped in the system and especially those who know they should leave, but for some reason, feel they cannot. I personally know some in such a situation currently. Hopefully, for them, in some mysterious way, perhaps the Lord can even use my testimony as an encouragement.