Mysteria

It's funny; about once every year or two, I will go looking for information about the local churches to see what people are saying. What usually happens is what is happening right now: I feel sick. Eventually it makes me let it go, as I realize it is not good for me to dwell on it and risk bringing on depression through reliving psychological trauma.

I have held in much of my thoughts and experiences, and so many things I've wanted to say, for several years now. I left in my post-college years, after being at the "Full-Time Training" for one semester.

I ask myself why I haven't spoken before, especially online. Is it fear? I do fear being persecuted a little...not because I usually care what anyone thinks, but because when you leave a community, however damaging it is, it is like leaving a family, and it is so painful. Even when you know you have to go and they are bad for you. But they were what I had for years and years, because they were important to my parents.

I also fear because - and this probably the biggest reason and main contribution I can give as a past insider - I am a woman, and the local churches view women who speak out as particularly evil. This was the biggest issue for me; experiencing growing up being taught that you are not important, that you are only meant as a side attachment for some man (and if single, basically a chaste nun), and there is really only one way you're supposed to be. A strong woman is seen as rebellious and trying to "be a man."

There is no regard for the humanity of women on the deepest levels, and this was so psychologically damaging for me. Just try to imagine what it is like to be 7 years old, and hear the story of Jezebel (as told in the Bible by the men who murdered her) for the first time. Think about what message that sends to you. You will never again question - out loud - what did she do wrong?!

I'll have to get more into that another time. But I have known of only one other woman to publicly come out and actually write a book about her experience, and I have heard the way they talked about her, and I have seen the litigation battles and absolute *insistence* on removal of anything negative published by others, and I'm a little afraid I have that to look forward to. Especially, as I said, as a woman. The local churches will never, ever, concede to criticism by a woman. Ever.

Behind closed doors, they will say...who knows what. They're people just like me...complex. But as a group, in public, they will always tow the line. They will hide conflicts. For women, a lot of times this just meant silence. You have two choices: Speak up and be persecuted and become the new Jezebel story, which will be told live to hundreds of people, and taped on video at a conference somewhere, even with you sitting in the room listening, never being able to say anything back, or just bear it silently, alone. Or else.

I am a little afraid and discouraged because despite the rise of the internet, which I experienced, I don't see a LOT of stuff in a search on ex members speaking. I see lots of blogs and sites where people are giving apparently positive testimonials; I was around when they were starting to do this, and I know what it is. Whenever they receive any bad press or public criticism, they rally a bunch of them together to write positively.

And people are only too happy to do so. I challenge anyone to find one that doesn't quote a verse in it, incidentally...they are unable to speak honestly and free from a place of emotion. They can only express themselves using and tagging back to scripture and scriptural teaching quotes. These testimonials are solicited, and very deliberate. And I have no doubt, to be clear, that the people saying them believe what they are saying. Remember, I was there. But they steer clear of all emotional, humanizing language...and I will at some point explain what that is like to grow up with, too.

But finally, I am pretty sure I know why I have not seen as much back and forth, or honesty about leaving, as I believe is out there. And I know a bunch of people will relate to this. It's because no matter what, there's always a little feeling of guilt...which really, I interpret to be deep regret and reliving of the pain of rejection. This is what I imagine it must feel like to have abusive parents that the child in you just can't help but still wish, on some level, loved them as they should have, though they know they never will. (And actually, one of my parents *was* abusive on occasion. It's only in the past year I've been able to call it that.)

And the feeling of family with this group? It is deeeeeeeeep.....deep. Especially if you've grown up in it, as I did. I didn't know anything else. So you always feel a little like maybe you're being too hard on them...like maybe, they don't mean anything wrong, just misunderstandings, human nature...yadda yadda...but even if there are light excuses like these, that does not, I have finally come to the conclusion, dismiss or dissolve or erase the harm that is done, and the unrepentance of that harm. I am a strong believer in being accountable for one's actions, regardless of intent.

I know most of them (at least that I experienced directly, in my day to day life) have good intentions. Maybe even love. I know that they are misguided. But that does not change anything about the impact of their behaviors. I write this now, unlike in the past, not in the hopes that they will ever hear this with openness should they come across it (and they will), because I know now that they won't. And that's okay. Now I do this, finally, for myself. Because I need to. Because my biological family is still with them, and while I have left, this fact continues the harm to me psychologically. Probably spiritually, too, now that I think about it.

So let me summarize what would literally take book length to cover, my experiences, and what I have to say, and I'll say some things about who I am now, and finally, what I will and won't do.

FIRST: I am no longer Christian. In fact, I am pagan. And with that, about 70% of you will not read further, I imagine...I have noticed that the people who do have the temerity to speak out are usually still Christian, or at least not as fully counter cultural as to be pagan! Satanic! Whatever. I'll talk about that another time.

My point in saying this, is that EVEN with this, I have ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM with their interpretations of the Bible and their theology. I do not disagree with how they interpret the Bible...and that's probably helped by the fact that I don't really care. But honestly, I never had a problem with all they got from it and their teachings, on the esoteric, abstract level (which is where they like to live).

Hell, I was *into* it. i would have written for the Defense and Confirmation journal, if they'd let me. I remember being so excited when it first came out, something that fed the intellectual hunger in my mind, as well as my spiritual enjoyment. I think there was a part of me that wanted to. But the only woman's name I ever saw in it was an editor. I knew they would never have a woman say and publish anything intelligent that might give the appearance of authority.

But I even openly have no problem saying I got something from many of the experiences of engaging with the Bible, the spiritual work with others, the example led by some! That they helped me lay the spiritual groundwork for who I am today. I AM who I am because I met God as a child in that upbringing. So we're cool there. I *did* have many of my spiritual needs met for a time, until the damage started to tip the balance so far in the other direction, that it was time for me to leave. I was no longer going to get anything spiritual, anything of God as I knew God all my life, from them anymore. So I followed God elsewhere.

My issues with the local churches are all human issues. (Is there really another kind?) My problem is that their living, their behavior, their actual impact and culture versus what they BELIEVE or want to believe is their impact and culture, are completely dichotomous and do not match at all. There is so much dissonance it almost doesn't make any sense. I heard literal contradictions of what they believed to be fundamental truths regularly, that seemed to depend on the situation.

This happened most memorably whenever I was trying to wrestle with and understand how they were saying God saw me as female. We would be told, in the same breath, that all are one in Christ, women are precious, whatever other positive things...and that women are supposed to submit, man is supposed to be the head, and basically women's highest aspiration is to be married- or not married-?? What the hell? Literally, this is the mixed message I was tormented with. And no two people said the same thing.

This is not necessarily so bad: I learned that people each find their own nuanced truth, their own way of reconciling what they say they believe with what they believe. it was something I had to do and learned to do myself...where I could. But when it came from the highest levels, when it happened in the same conference, it would rip me apart with turmoil and confusion...because I WANTED to do the right thing, I wanted to understand what God wanted intimately, and I wanted to be right with God, because God was my friend, my parent, my one constant. I had a very close relationship with God.

So of COURSE I tried, to say nothing of the human need to belong to groups. Still, I preferred the mixed messages to the few times the messages were absolute, because the absolute was always on the side of the former interpretation: women are inherently meant to be under the rule of men. And there's only a few suitable roles for them. They are not individuals as people, while men have all kinds of ways to be seen and appreciated as different individuals. If a woman is behaving differently, or just doesn't fit the mold, she's evil. Pure and simple.

Understand that when I say they do not respect women, they will point to this or that verse - actually, let's be honest: it'll be a slew of letters of full paragraphs of scripture, with the Greek and Aramaic thrown in; oh and quoted Nee or Lee, because you learn it so well it starts to become how you speak - and they will describe how nice they are, how they honor women, how they uplift women (cult of virginity, anyone?), and the women will talk about how nice everyone is. Yes, absolutely, everyone is pretty nice. I absolutely experienced love. I'm not saying "nice" ironically. They seriously, REALLY are nice. And genuinely, in my experience, for the most part.

But what they SAY and what they DO, or pressure you to do, will so fundamentally disagree that it eventually becomes an impossible situation to live in...for a thinking human being. To be treated on the one hand with love, and be told that God loves me the way I am, and then have tagged on: but women are supposed to submit. Women are supposed to be...not whatever it is you are. It is the most soul-tearing thing.

It is hard to explain. But you will immediately understand if you have been there. This was one of many ways I experienced the disconnect between their fantasy, and our lived reality.

This fundamental denial of my humanity as a woman was, obviously, eventually what made it impossible for me to stay. It was not ONLY that - I know they would love to be able to point this one thing and say, AH HA! Look what feminism does! It makes you a witch! Watch out, sisters! - but when a fundamental part of what defines you as a human being, such as your racial identity for another example, is denied by others, yeah, I'm afraid it means you're going to have a completely different experience in almost every way from others, and yeah, it's going to be a part of everything. So it was not only that, but that was the part that became increasingly impossible. In fact, if I had stayed? I think I might have been at risk of suicide, that's how depressed that cognitive dissonance made me. it felt so helpless.

I use this for a primary example of one way that the local churches behaves in a cult like manner. I am finally going to use that word: they are not a cult in the way that many might think of them. No one tried to stop me when I left. They aren't that much different from other non-denominational groups that each think they are the only, the chosen by God to carry out the secret deep mysteries that only they are willing to understand. I use the word cult to describe certain things, namely, the group-think effect.

The way we had internal language that no one else understood, which effectively made it impossible for me to talk to anyone who wasn't a member about anything meaningful to me. The way it kept me from being able to name things, acting as some kind of code to cover what was really happening. (The most common one is to blame anything uncomfortable on "the enemy." "The enemy is attacking." That phrase could mean many different things depending on the context, but generally I have recognized it as, "There's something wrong happening here and I can feel it.")

When people asked me what church I went to, I would have had to give them a paragraph on interpretation of Paul's letters to get to answering that simple question. It was things like that: the control of language, the control of who speaks and who doesn't, the control of the NARRATIVES even, by using one's visible position as a leader to publicly refer to things that happened privately to hundreds of people, so that you never, ever wanted to express a level of discontent that might appear to be rebellious...this kind of thing.

I'll some up this particular entry by saying, my major concern about the local churches is that they are psychologically damaging to people as a group, and display many forms of abuse. Even if on a whole they don't mean to, even if they really intend the best, like most of us...they really are horribly unhealthy, especially if you are a little less likely to fit in, for whatever reason. If you are not as much in need of people thinking for you, and like to think for yourself, it will be a very difficult place to be. And the truth is there is no excuse for abuse. None. It is was it is, which is a love of power and control. Which, by the way, is ultimately motivated by fear and insecurity. Not a good place for spiritual teaching to come from.

But now that I have reclaimed my stories for myself, and no longer wish or care if they understand (I just know they won't. Not as a group.), I say these things to add to the collected info gathered from people current and past, to help fill in the picture. And though I have never had any intention of going out of my way to try to sway people to leave, I haven't even tried ONCE, I realize that somebody somewhere may need this in the way that I probably needed it so many times growing up.

I wish I didn't have to be that person, to air the dirty laundry and stir things up so that I'm the convenient bad guy, but the truth is, we know enough now that what happens when a family system constantly hides conflict and secrets, they're just going to get worse, and worse. Ultimately? I wish them the best.

On some level, I still love them..though I will stay as far away from them as I can get, for my own health and well being. And I grieve that they never accepted me and others, that they would listen to us, or let us speak, and that they have stifled, warped, and critically disabled people with beautiful and unique gifts that they could instead have benefited from. The best case outcome I could ever hope for is that they will learn to be able to accept criticism, even public criticism, that they will learn from there mistakes.

There's too much more I can't fit in one post, things that, like this, will acknowledge both good and bad, because what I really care about is truth, that's all. I don't have a grudge. I don't have time for that. I DO need release, though, and I need healing, and I need to follow the lead of my conscience and intuition that lets me know if I keep on being unheard by my own choice, I will continue to suffer in circles. Eventually, stories have to be told.

I will end with this: I have no idea how often I will return to this forum. This is literally the first time I have EVER spoken what I experienced and how I feel to a group of people that actually know who and what I'm talking about. I don't know how painful it will be for me to see the reactions. I stay off of Facebook now for this reason...it's not good to spiral into drama. So I'm going to have to manage this carefully. I'm strong, but I'm not THAT strong. I'm human. But now that I have spoken I will try to return...for the sake of the people who need to hear someone else say something they understand but thought they were alone in thinking, and more importantly, for my sake, because I need to speak. i will, if with anyone, engage with those people. I will not engage with anyone else: not testimonials, not pleas to come back into the folds, not strong declarations to the demon they believe is in me or the woman that needs to be put down...not a damn thing. I will not engage because it will not go anywhere, and I will not feed the drama machine.

Also, for those readers who are sympathetic and/or need this kind of honesty: Here's a few things I predict you should expect, based on my experience. Things may have changed, but really, groups don't change easily. It often actually takes a few generations. I doubt I am wrong in this.

- I expect that people who are still in the local churches will respond to stories and comments like mine by emphasizing my mention of depression and psychological damage. They will describe and cast people like me as inherently ill or tortured in my mind, completely independently of them, and portray me as an unreliable narrator.

- I expect that people will immediately jump on the fact that I claim to be pagan, and this argument will be so strong a reason to completely disregard what I say that it will ultimately be effective even with people who agree with everything else I say. I like to think that, because of much of the love I experienced from well meaning people in this family I once had, they would never do this to me...they would not make an example of me that casts me as evil, like I'm something other than a human being, cackling in the corner or demon possessed. *eye roll* but I won't hold out hope. I will have to be ready for that.

- I expect that even if they have no need to use other of those two arguments against me or others, if they know of what I've written, they will speak about it second and third hand, telling everyone there is someone out there who thinks like this, and they won't need to say anything by way of interpretation other than repeating what I've said, because it will be "understood" in the group culture that, for example, a woman who speaks out like this is someone you do NOT want to be. "You might leave the church" is it's own cautionary tale, in their view.

- I don't want to, but I somewhat expect that at least a contingent, especially the men who hold positions of power, (or the young ones who aspire to), may try to come after me with all they got. They might find some way to have this post removed. Hell, i don't know...maybe even the moderators will. I'm not sure what the culture is here, or the rules. First timer. I'm pretty sure some of them are lawyers. I would not be surprised, given what I've seen on the internet so far, and what I haven't, if they are somehow effective in claiming slander about everything they don't like. This is worst case scenario to me, and I really don't want to believe they would do this, but...I know they would. Not all of them, not the ones who know me, but the ones who hold the power, who don't need to know me, who couldn't care less, I think they would.

- I expect that the best case scenario would be to be ignored. And I hope for that. Not to be listened to...that will not happen in my lifetime. It is nearly impossible to change a group without ripping it into pieces internally by some conflict or strife, and I'm not a part of the group and have no vested interest in doing anything like that. I do, actually, have a life. I'd like to get back to it; that's why I'm speaking about these things I've been carrying for so long.

The best thing those who disagree with me could do, would be to respect my story and not seek to silence it. Because that is what needs to happen. If these people really want to be the people they imagine themselves to be, they are going to have to learn to take criticism and be okay with dissent. They're going to have to get past the need to control everything. I guess I have some hope that there are some people who understand that. Some who might try. In any case, I believe that would be the healthiest and best thing they could do: Prove me wrong.

Well, that's enough about them. But heads up anyone who is uncertain or feeling confused: I'm telling you now the things you could see, and I may not have covered them all, so that you will recognize it when it happens, and if it does, knowing in advance may help you discern what truth resonates for you. Whatever it is, I respect you and your journey. And I respect my own enough to talk about it. Thanks for listening.