Unregistered

So I've dawdled through here and figured I would post.

I grew up in the LC(90's) and always was aware we were different, even from other Christians. It was confusing and isolating really. The locality I grew up in didn't have that many YP and many left/no longer meet. Also, my father is still an important figure in that locale, even our family company employs solely saints. I remember a prayer at SST that I basically told God that if I was really meant to stay with this group for the rest of my life, then so be it...which one sister translated to "aww...He asked the Lord to keep him in the LC" I even remember as a child something outlined like "you get out of HS, then you go to college, and then to the training". A few things. As a biologist I was quite annoyed with trying to bridge the God gap continually and also the continual use of natural systems as models for the church, or Gods plan, or whatever. It all makes so much more sense through the lens of evolution. Another common theme that made no sense is that we had it all and that other folk were blind and lost.

I went to college(my folks were ok with me going anywhere so long as they had a campus work-so my little hope of escaping after highschool died) and stayed involved with the club on campus. Near the end of college I had fallen pretty hard for a girl in the club, and a really close friend and had been seeing each other and ended up getting married later. As the person closest to him I had heard nothing of it. The whole dating thing (I held out telling her for years the way I felt about her because I didn't feel like it would be ok to do...which sounds crazy looking back and thinking about how healthy relationships with the opposite sex should be. Needless to say I have never dated or anything and am a bit clueless where I'd begin-done with the whole "wait for god thing" and all the weirdness of how the right way to do it is to have a leading one tell the person you're interested in that you are...blah blah)
and the way the club would check in on student activities was always rather weird. I was really struggling and while many saints were very kind of caring, as things drew on many people kind of started distancing themselves or ignoring the issue. It is one thing to be able to ask about a physical illness, but it you are having issues emotionally dealing with things that is not ok and it may be because you aren't in your spirit enough etc. I'm thankful for the ones who I'd consider as friends who simply took me in and allowed me to, well, not be ok! Not to have to put on a face like I was doing great. I can be glad in the way it turned out now because had it somehow turned out that I ended up with her I'd be in deep in the LC, but still with my questions. It ended up hurting too much to continue going to meetings and the like and not really feeling cared for and having to hide it, so I petered out and stopped-save for a few folk that I consider close friends and I can trust(though I couple of em I suppose might be praying for me) not to pressure me to come back.

Their was also a lot of pressure to go to the training at the end of college. It really sent up red flags when the decision was framed as "The training, or everything else". I had a lot of good reasons to go to the training I guess(peers, status I suppose, the mention of people meeting spouses in the training), but it just did not seem right to go against what I really believed. It also didn't make sense that no mention was made of everyone who went and dropped out and disappeared, or otherwise. I ended up sacrificing a lot of happiness and progress towards the path I really wanted to take to take a job in the area to stay near the saints per advice of a leading brother-which in truth I suppose I should have taken to the Lord.

I since had the time of my life working a seasonal job a few states away from where I grew up, and am pretty sure what I want to do in life. But socially I am not. To stick to the plan I have to toss nearly everything and everyone I have ever known. I do have a couple close friends outside the church life thankfully but it is difficult to otherwise start from scratch. People really need to be put in a box and shaken around a bit to truly bond I think. A cousin introduced me to a group in my hometown that I've gone to a few services and hung out with the people(who, by golly, were every bit as nice as LC people were...so much for what they tried teaching us about "the world")...but at this point I'm not even sure I feel comfortable calling myself Christian anymore. I just want people to be happy and be able to care for each other-that's all. Is that really that hard to ask or find?