Quote:
Originally Posted by leastofthese
I appreciate the self reflection and honesty in your post. I sympathize with it and cringe at it all at the same time. In 2014 I was recalibrated (again) to see how far I fall from the Glory of God each day. Do not think more highly of yourself than you ought to - the Lord may just help you in a way you don't want to be helped. You can PM me if you're interested in this story.
I was never a "Church Kid" (by the grace of God) - and I know there is a lot of baggage that goes along with that - We can't use things like this an an excuse. It sounds like you're moving in the right direction, honestly identify the issue and let the Spirit work through this (and if you're like me - DESPITE you). Blessings in your journey.
I wonder if the problem is the thought that you're too "good" (or insert your preferred phrase here) or don't realize how "good" God is (grasp His perfect, holy, and just nature?)
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LofT,
I am fully on board with your cringing at my post. I know how arrogant and blind it sounds.
It's funny that you mention the verse about thinking more highly of yourself. I actually have pervasive thoughts about how worthless and unwanted I am to the point where I feel sorry for people who have to interact much with me or have me in their lives in any extensive way because I assume most people don't want to or would prefer not to, given the choice. I actually had an elder use that very verse to show me that although we shouldn't think more highly of ourselves than we ought, there is still the "ought".....meaning there is an "ought" level of height to which we should esteem ourselves.....just not more highly than we ought though.
One of the sermons I heard said that if you are a person who cannot forgive others, then you don't understand the depth you've been forgiven by God. Maybe you don't think you're that bad and need forgiveness, and if that's the case then you should be scared to death. Alternatively, if you won't forgive, then you are in open rebellion towards God, and discipline is coming your way....and you should be scared!
I think after hearing that I am more scared that I'm not scared. What do you do then?
In thinking further about it, I think what it comes down to is I have a hard time accepting blame when I didn't cause any of this. I didn't create the universe, I didn't create man and put them in front of two trees, I wasn't the one who was in the garden fellowshipping with God but who listened to the snake and ate the forbidden tree instead thus injecting sin into all subsequent humans. I was just born. I was born, out of my control, and with the sin nature, out of my control, so why should I feel bad when I'm not perfect? I'm not responsible for any of the whole shebang. Please don't get me wrong - I am not numb to my conscience necessarily, I definitely feel the hot flush of shame if I'm caught doing something I shouldn't, I can't lie and look someone in the eye at the same time, if I want with everything in me to retaliate against someone I am inwardly prevented from doing it. But as far as the awareness of my dirt and sin or my need of forgiveness, I don't have that much. Even the thought that "my sin put the Lord on the cross".....well, I sin because I was born with the sin nature, none of us are immune, so since it's not something I had any power to prevent why should I whip myself over it?
I think I'm making the cringing worse and frankly kind of feel like I'm Pharoah typing with a hardened heart, but again, I have to be transparent here in case anyone who understands can give any advice or experience that would help.
Trapped