Quote:
Originally Posted by BJS03
The fact that this is a (dare me not say) cult that ruins other people and brainwashed people like me strays me far away from Christianity. The HWMRs also wound me as well. The signs that this is a cult is straying me away from the LC, and I dont feel a close connection with God at all, mainly because I feel forced by my parents to read the life studies during home meeting (most of the time I dont pay attention, but when I do sometimes I feel hurt and that I'm doing something wrong and I should be a certain way etc.) and be forced to go to the lords table when I really dont (want to) participate in it. Overall, most of my christian life I felt forced to do most of the activities i participate in in the LC, and I didnt gain God from these forced activities (the SSOTs and YP conferences were great people wise, but recently I saw flaws in some of the content they give us)
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I don't know if anything I say will help, but these were a few thoughts I had when reading your post.
1. The local churches are very clear that they want nothing to do with Christianity. They want to burn the bridges to Christianity and never build them back and make the chasm bigger and bigger. I have heard these words directly. With that in mind, the LC is, by its own definition, not part of "Christianity" and straying from the LC does not mean you are also straying from Christianity. Many people leave the LC and go TO Christianity and find much relief there.
2. I am a church kid, and I NEVER, EVER, EVER felt a close connection with God in the local church. EVER. The local church actually made me be very closed off to God and almost hate God, while having to simultaneously read the Bible and read the ministry and pretend like any of it was enjoyable or helpful. None of it did anything for me. Leaving the LC and stepping into Christianity where I heard about God's infinite and never ending love, where I heard about how Jesus actually cared deeply for people, and how He came to set us free from everything that oppresses us........that's when I started to feel a close connection with God.
I grew up thinking that God was out to crush me, was out to extinguish the fire of any human enjoyment I allowed to burn inside me, and was out to prevent me from having hobbies or friends or any smile on my face, and I dreaded the day that He would really show up and absolutely blast me to pieces. That didn't happen. It was the local church that crushed me, and God - who I had cursed and turned against for a long time - showed up incredibly softly and politely and meekly.
That last sentence I just wrote contains several YEARS of anger and tears and confusion.
3. I also felt forced to do most of the activities in the LC since as a young person it wasn't a choice. I completely understand your comment about SSOTs and YP conferences being great people wise, but the content being off and not gaining God in them either. I grew up not understanding why everyone around me seemed so enthusiastic about experiencing God, because what I heard did not draw me at all. But the YP sisters would stand up and cry, and the YP brothers would seem so sure of their experience. Fast forward to adulthood, and I have found out that many of those YP who I thought for years were having real experiences of God while I wasn't.......were really just putting it on and have confessed that it wasn't real to them.
What I am trying to say in all that is that you are not alone. You are not strange in feeling the way you are feeling. It is amazing that you have noticed and articulated what you have while still a teenager. Many of us go well on into adulthood knowing something is off but wasting many years in the LC before figuring it out. Most people who leave have to endure a transition period where you are still "in" but hating it, and just having to let time pass while you get your bearings and figure out what to do. I know it is hard, but again, you are not alone and are part of a group of people who have had to travel a similar path. I hope you will keep in touch on this site and let us all know how you are doing. When you are surrounded by everything LC, having a "relief-valve" like this site where you can speak your REAL feelings is invaluable.