Former lc

I haven't had time to read all the comments, so maybe someone already addressed this.

But you said, " I can talk to a therapist but they would probably never really understand me... what I was in... what life was like..."

Don't assume a therapist won't understand. There are some really great therapists out there who can help you. You might want to look into a therapist who specializes in trauma recovery. There is a lot of overlap between what you described, and PTSD - flashbacks, for example. Also, there are therapists who specializes in overcoming abuse (such as abusive relationships), and again, there is overlap with your experience in the LC.

You may even be able to locate a therapist who specializes in cult recovery. Even if you don't want to use the word "cult," the fact is that the LC is a totalitarian controlling group that can cause immense psychological and emotional harm.

I strongly recommend that you look into therapy. It will help you, if you find a really good one. You might even seek out a Christian therapist, despite now being an atheist, because they can have insight into groups like the LC (there are a lot of them out there). But if a Christian therapist would rub you the wrong way, then there are plenty of secular ones who can help.

Also, see if you can locate a support group for recovery from abuse, perhaps even specifically cultish groups. My church has a women's group like that, mainly made up of ex-Jehovah's Witnesses.

Seek out help. You are not alone, and what you are going through is normal. But it really will benefit you to have someone you can trust, and open up all of your issues to.