Lost at Sea

So it's been a couple of days since I last wrote... so where to begin?

Okay, well firstly on my mind is that what UntoHim wrote about that I am not free of God's will sounds threatening to me... just saying that it's meant to threaten an atheist... That's like telling me that if I leave the LC church into the world or to one of THOSE churches out there, that bad things are going to happen to me or I'm going straight to hell. Mmm... I'll keep what I have now... So far nothing bad has happened outside his will if there even is a will...much less a God. I was scared as hell when I finally slipped away from the LC into the world. Evil me, evil people, evil world... Even an evil God who is going to chase/smite me. I don't think there can be anything worse than the hell experienced on this earth. If there even is such a place called hell. I'd say that in my mind it's hell, in my heart it's hell...can't be anything worse, and if there is no hell then I'll just die a natural death. Okay.. this is getting too morbid and I have to mind my depression-induced thoughts...so onto another topic...

So I'm not really able to answer Carol's question... But I would think that the short answer would be 'no'. I think. Then again.. maybe it's 'yes'? Okay...I think the answer is more like 'maybe' or I'm not sure or I don't know. Okay...I think I will say not sure. Not really able to ask or answer questions just yet... I finally got used to hearing audibly my own voice 4 years ago, but can't voice my thoughts or have a face-to-face conversation... or more correctly a confrontation, BUT...I found that as much as it's hard to think and ask questions, writing is good for the soul and I found that I can think through my thoughts and question things without fear by writing!

Anyway... Back to when I was 12. I seem to have very good memories of being in church before 1985/1986... I think it was until summer/fall of 1986. I remember children's meeting...and everything was normal. Then I get this 'special' NT Bible. Now I've seen my mother read the kjv at home...but other than that I have seen or heard of no other Bible... But this special rcv seemed like it was of more importance than one that's not rcv. I felt so privileged and so special that I was going to the one and only true church in NY and I owned a better Bible than anybody outside and how special we all were because we are in the lords recovery and the only ones on earth who are truly going to heaven. But yet at the same time I was going to hell because I wasn't progressing as an overcomer. Well the sad thing is that I truly believed that I wasn't a chosen one because...firstoff I only called on the name of the lord because the one who was saving me I did not like as a person in the first place because she was always on my case about other things like the morning watch sheet and experience sheet and why I didn't hand it in or when i did, why it was always blank. I somehow knew that she and others went to the Anaheim training and the exuberance turned me off.

I quickly learned how to protect myself... and that this lords recovery thing that was amidst would be a big force for me to contend with. I quickly learned how to be sly and lie...in self-defense. If I did not pray/call on the name of the lord and 'get saved', my intuition told me that it was just best to get it over with to avoid conflict... because somehow... I knew that saying 'I'm not ready' would not be well-received. I would not be understood...I had to go with the flow. How is a 12 yr old going to convince a 30/40 yr old lady?? (I have no idea how old she was, only that she was pushy and forceful...whether she knew it or not, I don't know). Perhaps she was just being well-meaning...but I knew she would not understand my readiness. So I was saved and baptised but did it for the wrong reasons, yet at the same time for the right reasons for my own sake. I wanted to be left alone, you know...like when someone finally makes a false confession after hours of questioning and just wants to go home. Well, I had enough discord at home, I had enough discord at the lc piano...how my playing wasn't edifying and up to par with a 35 yr old for children's meeting so I had a problem with two serving ones regarding their unhappiness....yet because they were always short of pianists...were always coming to me to 'serve'....I'm serving ...I'm only 12...a couple years later, I would intentionally not show up.. I know ...it wasn't nice or the right thing to do...but every time I played...it wasn't good enough and I was told so and berated. Where else did I feel that? In the summer school of truth...in a circle...calling on the name of the lord... Not performing well/good enough. I quickly learned that in this church, I was not appreciated. And that would also show when we prayed...when I shared/prophesied. That I couldn't understand the life lessons...that I couldn't grasp this high knowledge...I couldn't grasp the language/jargon....I just accepted it at face value that I just had to stick it out.

Was it because I didn't know God/the Lord? Perhaps. Because I wasn't truly saved? Perhaps. Or was it that there was this unusual phenomenon? I tried as I might. I really tried, but while all my peers "got" what was being taught and were able to follow the gods economy and life lessons and what have you.. the outlines, I wasn't following.... I wasn't grasping... I felt left out... Really left out... Would extra help have help? Maybe. Tutoring? Maybe. Now that I think about it... I just wanted something that was easier to understand. Why all this hard stuff? Why all this higher truth? God must be really complicated... Too hard to understand.... I would later in 12th grade...have fights with my mother and refuse to go 5 days a week for two weeks to this summer school of truth. Which only caused hate and tension between my sister and I... She would hate me those years in Sst because she got the rap from the elders/serving ones .. where is your sister? Why isn't she here? I was having trouble keeping up in Sst.. and her hate for me would only grow through the years. Not only was I not keeping up, I didn't like sst because there in order to protect myself and go with the flow, I had to learn how to lie pretty quickly... To prepare something to testify just like my peers...from the outlines... From the life lessons... From god's economy and the truth lessons (it's been so long that I don't remember if the life lessons and truth lessons are the same or two things)... Had to just be like the others. Say two paragraphs...and something of substance.

As if that wasn't bad enough (sharing/prophesying is not my God-give talent.... FAR from it)... I had to say it in front of "everyone"... AND make it believable that I enjoyed it... UGHHH!!!.... Only to either be looked at like...what did she say or only to hear one amen but often no Amen's. What I said was mostly met with dead silence. That was extremely humiliating.. Sst ...yp meeting... Friday night adult meeting... I'm a kid... making a fool of myself... at my humiliation... at the expense of my meager pride and small confidence... I knew who I was...where I stood... I was dumb... I was the least of everyone... just trying to keep up... survive... all this terminology, language, phrases... God was not near... and I don't think it had anything to do with my false salvation. You would "think" that I would at least be able to understand _something_. I did. I do catch on to some major points. All other churches are Babylon/whore. We are the true church. We are the overcomers in this gravely sinful world. Don't leave the church or bad things will happen to you like get run over by a truck or in a car accident or an earthquake or a flood... or a mudslide. The triune god... 3 in 1. God became incarnate Jesus...who then became the life-giving spirit. Boy would I be in for a rude awakening when I visited over 30 churches on Long Island post-lc. The triune god is not the world's Trinity. Modalism vs. Trinity. Oh... But it's different because all the other churches are evil and have wrong doctrine. They don't have the rcv.... which I would soon later learn that the hymns and rcv verses were revised to fit the lc theology... Spirit's changed to spirit's... and vice versa. To fit our moralistic view of the Trinity. Pastors out here told me... No, lost-at-sea... God did NOT turn into Jesus who then turned into the Spirit... And they showed me the verse in the NIV Bible where the dove is over Jesus when he got baptised (I think... I haven't touched a Bible in about 15 years). It's not like water where an ice cube turns into water which turns into water vapor. Every church out here believes that except the LC! Huh???? No wonder they are degraded!!!!!

I searched for a church out here and for God visiting over 30 churches in one year. I finally gave up... on church... and on God. I never measured up in the LC anyways. I knew I was the least of the whole church group. I tried. I really tried. But my spirit was killed in every respect. It didn't matter. Even my piano playing/serving... was judged... so hurt me that I wouldn't play in a church for 20 years. Although there are many dear saints in the lc I was at, the one emotion that I didn't feel ... is love or appreciation. I only started feeling it 3 years ago... playing the piano again... for a small community church in my backyard.... yeah... one of "those" degraded churches down the road. They tell me that I am such a blessing... I don't do it for show....or for admiration... just from the heart... to help the small strugglingchurch... to help me at the same time who has my own struggles. But yeah... in some small way... it's a taste of heaven... and a once unappreciated God-given talent has been revived for his glory. Where the LC wanted huge fancy chords and loud edifying playing... where I am, I just play light-honestly from the heart.... and I've heard that God knows people's hearts....