[New Beginnings]

Hello there everyone,
I ought to finish my story here, but before I could, the Lord had a great deal of work to do in my heart. I am still overwhelmed with gratitude for the care I received here when I first came in my desperate time of need. Thank you and here is my story.

I was finally out of the LC and I was so confident as I sat in my new church week after week that any day now, my husband would hear the gospel and be born again. I was still so focused on his salvation yet complete oblivious to the fact that my own heart was still in shackles. As time went by, I began to lose hope. I would hear the words of my pastor and yet feel no love. Terrified of rejection, I slipped back into self-denial. I was just about to slip into despair but I had to hold it together just a little bit longer because family church camp was just around the corner.

Signing up for camp had been my husband’s idea. He thought it would be good for our family. Boy, he had no idea what was coming. I dreaded camp with a passion. I knew that there would be no place to hide there. I knew they would see right through us. I was sure I would be rejected. But nonetheless, we arrived at the beautiful wilderness ranch, filled with animals and joyful children. With us were four Baptist preachers and their lovely wives. There was no turning back.

The first morning there, I could already feel my suffering coming up to the surface. I longed for solitude and found an empty chair on the deck overlooking the river. Minutes after I sat, the big, burly mountain man guest pastor came and sat with me. He asked me if I knew the difference between David and Saul and why it was that David found favor in God’s eyes. He went on to explain that when Saul was confronted with his sin, he made excuses and blamed others, yet when David was confronted with his sin, he crumbled. I was so bound up by my suffering, I could barely mumble a reply. We sat in silence for a moment but then I spoke. I pointed to the steep hillside across the river. Near the top, there was a precariously perched boulder. I told him that I thought it was interesting, it looked like it was just about to fall down that hill. Now the pastor got really excited and said,” It sure would if you and I hiked up there and pushed it.” “That would be one big splash,” I replied. Later that evening in his sermon, he went on and on about the boulder rolling days of his youth.

As the days went by, I began to feel revived under the care of the sweet Christians around me. But I also became more and more conscious of how everyone reacted to my husband. I began to feel ashamed. One day, I said the wrong thing and my husband raged off in the car. As my children and I sat down to breakfast without him, my pastor and his wife swiftly came to join me and I felt such peace.

The last night of camp, after my children were safely tucked in their bunks, I went to sit by the river and the wind began to blow. It blew so very hard, the breath of God awakening my dead heart. I felt such peace. But I dreaded going home the next day.

The ride home was tumultuous. My husband was in a rage and driving recklessly on winding mountain roads. We made it home but my husband rage continued to build. I felt distinctly in my heart that I could no longer leave my children alone with their father.

Two days later, on a Saturday night, I lay restless all night. All the preaching and teaching I had heard during the week cycled around in my head. And then the Holy Spirit spoke directly to my heart. He showed me that I had divided loyalties. All this time, I had been choosing to believe the lies my husband told me about myself. This led to a hardened heart that quenched the Spirit. Instead, I must chose to believe the truth. The truth was right there all along yet I could not see it. The Truth is, there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. The Truth is that when we confess our sins, God who is faithful and just, will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

The next morning, although my husband continued to rage, I joyfully packed up my kids to go to church. He sent me manipulating texts as I drove away but it didn’t matter. My heart was set free from his manipulation. Church was beautiful but as the service came to an end, the most paralyzing dread came over me. I could hardly move or speak. I didn’t want to go home.

My pastor approached me and asked if I was okay. I told him what the Holy Spirit had shown me and then I told him I was afraid. He took my children and I to his home and cooked the children lunch while I spent a few hours with his sweet wife. I did end up going home but two days later, I asked my husband to leave. I asked him for a separation until he could get some help with his anger. He left in a rage with all his guns. That night, my pastor came and changed my locks.

Please pray for me for this is far from over. But I am no longer sad. I am no longer bitter. I am no longer ashamed. I am no longer afraid. I am REDEEMED!