Quote:
Originally Posted by tasinee
In some way, I was being repelled by the Lord Himself! It was hard for me to have permanent intimacy and build relationship with the Lord. So, I realized that, and I repented, and opened my heart to Him, to heal my wounds and restore my heart into relationship with Him. I spontaneously started calling upon His name and opening to Him when I had a moment of solitude, and I felt so refreshed, like I haven't for a long time. So I may have hinted to my sister some of that. She got it so, so wrong, you bet. She started rejoicing that I will soon join them! And I feel miserable again, seeing her joyful as never before. Yes, she finds more joy in the idea of me joining them than in me being right with the Lord. So the repelling is back, I despise this kind of faith, I despise this Jesus, their Jesus! And I am confused, because my Jesus has the same name, and I have to fight hard to keep my heart open to Him, and to love them. Knowing I have to fail their expectations which they claim are actually the Lord's expectations, breaks my heart. Are they the Lord's expectations? Are they? I don't know anymore.
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Tasinee, the Lord would never repel you! The Lord Jesus never behaves that way. In fact, He is always living to intercede for us, and always able to save us to the uttermost when we come to Him. (see Hebrews 7.25) The "repelled" feeling you have comes from rejection by LCM believers. They do love you, but they love you only when you love their church ministry. Real love, the love of God, is unconditional, loving the Lord and His children for who they are, and not for what they do.
It is so wonderful that you repented and called on the name of Jesus. You brought shame to the Father of Lies, who is the devil. The Lord Jesus always receives us when we seek Him, (Jeremiah 29.13) but the devil always lies to us that God would repel us. Only our sin or hypocrisy can keep us from Jesus, so we must only repent, and the blood of Jesus Christ will cleanse us from all sin. (see I John 1.5 - 2.2)
I encourage you to call on His name when you pray to Jesus. It is better to do this in secret, and you must not call with your lips only, but from your heart. Jesus said go to our private "closet" so that we do not pray or call His name as a performance, or man-pleasing, but only to please Jesus, our true God.
Tasinee you are in a difficult situation because you work for your brother-in-law. I suggest you come early and work hard for him. Remember that the Lord's expectations are NOT their expectations. The Lord's expectations bring us love and joy within, but their expectations make you feel repelled by God. This is legalism. It is similar to the demands of the orthodox church.
Apostle Paul told the Thessalonians, "
Always rejoice, unceasingly pray, in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. But test all things, hold on to what is good. Abstain from every form of evil." (5.16-22)