Quote:
Originally Posted by NZexCK
I returned to work on a part time basis and began my journey of deconstruction. This forum was one of the first things I found and I spent weeks and months pouring over just about every thread. It was at this time I happened to stumble upon the early talks of starting a facebook group for ex LC members and I jumped at the chance to join. This eventually split off into a separate group specifically for ex church kids (for reasons reflected in this forum as of late). These facebook groups have been a tremendous help to me throughout the last several years of my deconstruction. I remember when I first joined these groups being quite bewildered by how dramatic these other church kids in the US seemed to be. What? You see a therapist? Wow, I’m glad the NZ experience wasn’t as bad as that. Three years on and I have deconstructed enough to understand how they feel. It has been a rather long and slow but necessary process. There were years of unhealed wounds to work through that I had simply stuck a bandaid on and left to fester. Now I have to rip them off and let them heal.
I am still making connections with how growing up in the LR is affecting me today. Imagine your entire would view forming as a child through the very specific lense that is the LR. The scaffolding of your entire makeup based upon the foundation that is the LR. Just about every connection that your developing brain made done so with the distinct twisted connection of the LR. And then waking up one day and discovering all of the lies, hypocrisy, deception, power play and manipulation that the LR is really about. I had spent my entire life thinking that these adults knew what was best for me, had my best interests at heart and had trusted them. I believed that there must have been something wrong with me, only to realise at age 25 that maybe my gut instinct had been right all along and they were the ones that were wrong.
This first year of deconstruction had a bigger impact on me than I realised at the time. Imagine losing just about everything that makes up your identity/world view and having to start rebuilding from scratch..
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I think deconstruction is the right word. There is a construction built into you, as a child of course you were complicit because every child wants to be fed, cared for, protected, loved. And those were the rules of the game. So you went along.
Then you leave physically but you realize all this crap got installed into your mind, your emotions, your feelings about yourself and the world around you. All that 'stuff' is interwoven with 'you'.
I entered the LR as a college student, lived their 'church life' 24/7 for a period of years - with all the meetings, fellowship, trainings, conferences etc - then my inner klaxon horns just got too loud and I left. But it took years, and a lot of work, to really appreciate how much that mind-set had become engrained into me. What if I'd been born into that programme? What would that be like - leaving physically, and now alone in a world you've been taught from Day 1 to hate, fear and despise?