[aron]

I had a brutal childhood. My parents divorced when I was a baby, both remarried and both marriages were awful. I was abandoned, neglected, abused physically (beaten until red welts & bruises), shamed and ritually hazed (my father said it was making me 'tough'). My step-father was a farmer who shot pets and farm animals in a black rage. I was sure that I was going to die at some point at his hand. I was 6, 7, 8 years old. My mom tried to commit suicide, so I went to live with in-laws, then I went home and it started all over again.

At age 12 I discovered that alcohol made the pain stop. At parties there was so much beer around, nobody noticed if a few cans disappeared. I discovered the liquor cabinet: I'd cut the vodka jug with water, and nobody could tell. I'd take an inch out of the gin or bourbon or rum and nobody noticed. I developed a tolerance, by 15 I was really pounding booze. Drugs followed, speed and downers and pot. I began to deal, to cover the costs. Violence followed, on the street it was "kill or be killed". At 17 I was in the bars, with the all the drunkenness that entailed.

Then I got sober, went to college and was recruited into the Local Church of Witness Lee. What a match that was! I was posing as "good building material", and they were posing as a "recovered" or "restored" Christian church. After a few years of 24/7 "church life", the walls came in: my past, my insecurities, my shame. I was so nervous, trying to be good. "Just call O Lord" but it didn't change anything. Social stuff was agonizing. I hated the meetings, the tenseness and the fear, posing as a Christian for 2 hours... it was so much pretense - I felt like a fake! I was going from panic to apathy and depression. So I went to the elders, one by one, and confessed that I was miserable, confused, frightened, angry (this was after months of spiraling and hiding in the "brother's house"). When I went to them for fellowship, one by one they made it clear they weren't interested. They weren't here for me, they were here for the "Lord's Recovery". Got it? My problems clearly made them uncomfortable, unhappy. Don't you know there are no problems here? That really popped my bubble.

The other thing that bugged me was that they could care less about the poor, the hungry, the sick, the widows and orphans. And then the way they raised the children! I saw toddlers being coaxed to "call on the Lord" when they could barely stand. The fist pump thing - little kids? I was aghast. The elder's wife who taught children's meeting, telling them that "everybody knew" that dinosaur bones were hidden in the earth by Satan to fool people. I was like, "Whaaaa?"

Here's some advice, from one who got out. (this is what I tell myself- it may or may not be applicable to others)

1. You have to forgive. My parents, especially - they didn't know any better. (They did their best, with what they had, a la Luke 12:48, Mark 14:8.... clearly they didn't have much.) Their main problem was an inability to forgive how poorly their own parents raised them. I heard their bitterness, I saw the effect - it was corrosive. I must forgive, I must recover. "Mercy triumphs over judgment" says James. "If you forgive others, you'll be forgiven" says the gospel passage. The only way out is to become free from anger. What happened, is what happened.

2. Related to #1. I have to take ownership for my own decisions. Yes, I was fooled, and yes I was a naive college student who got "love bombed" and fell for it, just like a fly in a spider's web. But I have to take responsibility and learn. Now when I remember, "Just call O Lord" and "Just be simple" I can recognise the cult-speak. The 'just' means that they disqualify any other experience but theirs. The "be simple" means, Don't think. So I learn from my experiences and go on, and take responsibility. I own my mistakes. I can forgive, and I can also repent, learn, and grow. It's my journey. Those were my mistakes. I let my ego get puffed up - "You're in God's best".

3. Related to #2. Whatever I believe (or don't) is my decision. Don't take any testimony or assertion at face value - prove everything. Had I been more skeptical, the wall of booklets from WL would have screamed 'cult'. (the pastel-colored "rainbow booklets" that he was pushing, late '80s.) I can see that, now.

After leaving the LC, I got involved in an extreme group - all females wore head coverings, because Paul said so. None of them could speak in church - it's in the Bible, see? Nobody played guitar, because Jesus didn't play guitar. Etc. Then I left that, after a year, and went into the local Bible church, and hung out with Pastor Bob et al. Tried to be a Protestant for a few years.

Then I got sick of it all and quit - one day, I prayed, "You're fired." And that was it. I didn't think about God for a long time. I was tired of praying to a God that didn't answer. I focused on my career, slowly got my feet down on the earth, kinda got my mind restored, tried to remember how to think. Became a bit more, shall we say, human.

After a while I began to consider God again, but on my terms. It's my journey. I remember thinking, How can you lose your soul-life if you don't even have a soul-life to lose? I was like, "Hellooo!" I began to think for myself. I allowed myself to feel. They were my feelings.

Let me give an example: Jesus was quoted, "David was in spirit, writing about me". (Matt 22:43; cf Luke 24:36-49) Where did Jesus say, "David was in his natural mind, writing according to his fallen human concepts"? Where in the NT do we see David's writings panned so thoroughly as they were in the RecV footnotes? Nowhere is where. So why did I passively receive it? Why didn't I question it?

Today, I must take responsibility for what I believe, what I don't believe. What I think, what I disagree with. It's my journey, not an extension of someone else's. My advice is, Don't be an automaton in the Leebot Factory, or any other factory - find the sun. Jesus said, "Seek, and you'll find." But if you don't seek you won't find. So, find the light - wherever it is, whatever it is. Seek, and you will find.