Quote:
Originally Posted by ISeeCrazyPeople
Trapped,
You don’t seem very “trapped,” haha.. you seem very liberated. And I don’t mind the way you are sharing verses. It doesn’t come across as preachy, it is really just informative, so I appreciate that.
You mention the church taking things that are not sinful and making them sins.. I totally agree with that. I think what made this tricky for me though, is that the rules were not super clear. Even within the church, I remember there was some division as I got older, and some people were told they were bringing people to God incorrectly. They said something like “corrupted soil will produce corrupted fruit.” This was in regards to bringing people to God by enticing them with certain types of music (ex: modern Christian music with electric guitars).
Another thing that really got to me, was the lack of praise or encouragement I received. I remember the church teaching that caring too much about the world, which includes your job, your kids, your car, etc. is sinful. They implied that loving your kids too much or a certain way would be idolatry. I really think my parents may have taken this to heart unfortunately.
....
I just felt like I was not going to be accepted, so just got myself to worked up and nervous to make many friends. My incredibly low self esteem was a reason why I lost many friends going from middle school to high school. The LC is obviously damaging to different people in different ways.
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I'm still "trapped" in numerous ways, but being armed with information about some of the things I wrote to you about (spiritual abuse, etc) has liberated me in other ways. It's not a quick process for some, me included.
I'm not sure if you will relate, but earlier this week I was reminded of an experience I had a while back and thought of this thread.
I was driving one morning listening to a Christian radio station. I was still in the LC, and so listening to Christian radio was still a new thing. A song came on with lyrics that started like this:
In my weakest moment I see you
Shaking your head in disgrace
I can read the disappointment
Written all over your face
Here comes those whispers in my ear
Saying "who do you think you are?
Looks like you're on your own from here
'Cause grace could never reach that far"
But, in the shadow of that shame
Beat down by all the blame
I hear you call my name sayin' it's not over
And my heart starts to beat
So loud now, drowning out the doubt
I'm down but I'm not out
There's a war between guilt and grace
And they're fighting for a sacred space
But I'm living proof
Grace wins every time
When I heard the first two stanzas, I remember thinking "Ahh....see, these people are talking about the God I know.....they really GET IT! They are actually being honest that God is always that way towards me: unhappy and disgusted with me!"
And much to my total shock, the song kept going and turned it all around.....revealing that those words that I "knew" were God's words were actually the opposite. God wasn't the one saying those things to me this whole time. He was actually saying that "grace wins". And those disgusted words condemning me were really from guilt, shame, fear, and ..... the devil.
My jaw dropped. I almost, no joke, had to pull my car over off to the side of the road because my brain was so consumed with calculating the implications of what the song was saying that it could barely function to keep me within the lane lines too. I couldn't believe that they were talking about a God who was the opposite of the God I was taught about in the LC.
But immediately I knew that the God in the song was the real representation of Him, and what I'd been told was a lie.
And the kicker is that the truth was coming from "Christianity".....the place I had been told for so long was evil. I mean, criminey, no wonder people end up in therapy after leaving the LC to try to right what's been upside down for so long.
Anyway, my point in relaying that story to you was just to try to communicate that church kids know all too well the feeling of being condemned about everything they do, not being encouraged to be the full human being they were created to be, not accepted, not enough, etc... Church kids think GOD is the one saying "I'm disgusted with you, I'm repulsed by you, who do you think you are, etc". This couldn't be more wrong.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ISeeCrazyPeople
I have tried to pray to God over the years, to make himself obvious to me, if he is truly there. It may just be my personality, or maybe damage from my years in the LC, but I sometimes think I need God to be incredibly obvious to me to make me know he is there. Like an anvil falling on my head or something. When I try to talk to him, I kind of hear crickets chirping.
Sorry if that sounds weird.
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Doesn't sound weird at all. In fact, it sounds exactly like some things I posted on this forum a year or so ago. I would even venture to say it's not an unusual experience or feeling at all. And I would also say that it's better to express that feeling out loud than to keep quiet about it and have it burn inside of you where over time it will send all the wrong messages to you about God and about yourself.
You've got company in feeling like talking to God is more of a one-way road than a two-sided conversation. I frequently ask Him in exasperation "why if what You want is a relationship with us and to be known and loved by us, do you
make it so hard to have a two-sided relationship with You!?! Why does having a relationship with You feel most of the time like I don't have a relationship with You!"
You wrote more in your post about people of other faiths being model citizens, etc. I'll respond to that a bit later when I have more time. That question is exactly why I would still recommend apologetics to you......that's exactly the kind of stuff they answer. It's a very normal thing to be bugged by, and it's great that you can voice it. And it's great that you're thinking those kind of things and can ask questions.
Trapped