[Trapped]

ISeeCrazyPeople,

Welcome to the forum! Please accept my apologies that my first response was not directly to your post but to a side topic.

Regarding your initial post, I understand your comment that you don't know whether you were ever really a Christian and that it felt like you were just told what to believe as a church kid in the LC. I think a lot of church kids have a common feeling as adults that they grew up performing actions and repeating phrases without any of it really making sense, as well as with no way to voice that it doesn't make a lot of sense.

It can make for a lonely experience growing up, even if you are surrounded by people. What it means is that you have to go along with things in order to be accepted, but you cannot be who you are, or be where you are, or be authentic with your opinions and thoughts and questions and disagreements. It doesn't take a trained psychologist to understand pretty quickly that that's not a healthy way for a young mind to grow.

Since you asked that we not preach the gospel to you, I'll just say that the LC has a very big shortcoming in that they simply tell young people "this is what we believe" rather than "this is WHY we believe". That shortcoming isn't necessarily unique to the LC, but it is a serious lack, and it leaves people without a solid foundation for their faith. I'll stop there, but will add that Christian apologetics (which is just giving answers to the hard questions, giving evidence for things) helped me a ton as to the "why" part.

Feeling like no one cares what you think is traumatic. It makes you feel like you don't count, don't matter, aren't worth it, don't exist, etc. The brain has what are called "mirror neurons" that fire even when we are watching someone else perform an action that we ourselves are not performing, and these neurons are involved in empathy, imitation, language development, etc. It's traumatic to not feel seen, not feel mirrored, and not have your thoughts and feelings taken into account. I'm not sure if there's anything I can say that will help directly, but I hope that you've gotten to a place as an adult where you understand that the loveless way the LC treats people is not a reflection on YOUR value, but an indicator of the poor condition of the LC. The shame is not on your head, but is on theirs. You have value. You are important. Your thoughts and viewpoints matter.

Please forgive me and us if the tangential side topics made you feel yet again that your thoughts aren't important. They are. Your experiences in the LC are not inconsequential and it is very brave of you to come here and share some of your history that you don't normally talk about. Your experiences are shared by many, probably particularly those who read here but remain lurkers.

I've got to stop here for a little bit but will try to respond to more of your post later.

Trapped