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Trapped · 09-17-2020, 07:31 PM

Welcome JD620!

In short, the answer to your question in the title of your post is this: you grew up in what can be called "an abusive church". Or "an aberrant Christian group".

Was it intended to be an abusive church? Do the people in it know it's an abusive church? Has it always been an abusive church? Different people answer those questions different ways, but the end-result detrimental effects on the people in it, especially church kids, is the same regardless.

Which means, when you said that you were "not raised in abuse", it's kind of an interesting statement. Because if you are in the typical atmosphere and environment in the local church, then actually you were raised in abuse! It's just a covert, subtle kind of abuse that is very difficult to pinpoint, articulate, and put your finger on unless an outside source gives you the low down on what is really going on. The abuse you were raised in in the local church as a church kid is "spiritual abuse". It is not uncommon for people who are spiritually abused to not even know they are being abused!

Does that make the abuse ok? Not at all. People don't have to consciously be aware of the harm done to them for it to count as abuse. And how do I know that you were raised in abuse? Because you said that being a Christian shouldn't feel like a life and death situation every day. There's the abuse right there. The weight, the oppression, the condemnation, the requirements - none of which God put on you, but it was put on you in God's name. On the one hand, being a Christian, ironically, is at its core a matter of life and death (i.e., Jesus came to make us dead people alive again), but in our daily life, once we are saved and safe in Him....Jesus told us that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. That doesn't sound like life and death to me. Yes, we've got to take up our cross, but Jesus is the one who did the dying and the suffering for us. In fact, one of the known attributes of high control groups is that people in them experience "inferred, symbolic, and/or literal death threats". If you have listened at all to the sharing from the co-workers about a year ago, you will know immediately that inferred, symbolic, and/or literal threats of death are indeed found in the local churches. That's not normal for a church. It's not a healthy church. And it's not of God. God doesn't threaten us with death; His mercies are so rich that He saves us from the punishment of death!

The sexism is, I think, tied up somewhat in the thought-stopping cliches in the local church. Thought-stopping cliches are sayings that shut down rational thought, and prevent the ability of members to speak up. If you've got prevalent teachings like "get out of your mind" or "you are on the wrong tree" or "we are not in the realm of right and wrong", then almost any horrific thing can be said and the members are already fully ingrained to immediately doubt their own concerns and condemn their own reactions! (all that's spiritual abuse too, for the record). And as a former poster here used to observe, if you can shut down and oppress half the members (women), then you have successfully shut down half of the people who will keep you accountable! So many things are just about control.

There's more I would like to say in response to your post, but I'm short on time right now. I understand the rabbit hole, and I understand the emotional exhaustion. It's very normal for what you are discovering.

Read books on spiritual abuse. Watch YouTube videos on spiritual abuse. There are some good ones (and some mediocre ones). You should be able to discern the good from the mediocre pretty quickly. As a church kid, the light will go on once you hear people NOT from the local church describing something they call "an abusive church" and it.......just so happens to sound like the local church. It's eye opening. Here are two interviews with the authors of one of the more well-known books on spiritual abuse (called The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGL_Wl7BAfE (Part 1)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MelXy5Gj7Jc (Part 2)

Trapped

09-17-2020, 07:31 PM	#3
Trapped Member Join Date: Mar 2018 Posts: 1,523	Re: Wow, What Did I Grow Up In? Welcome JD620! In short, the answer to your question in the title of your post is this: you grew up in what can be called "an abusive church". Or "an aberrant Christian group". Was it intended to be an abusive church? Do the people in it know it's an abusive church? Has it always been an abusive church? Different people answer those questions different ways, but the end-result detrimental effects on the people in it, especially church kids, is the same regardless. Which means, when you said that you were "not raised in abuse", it's kind of an interesting statement. Because if you are in the typical atmosphere and environment in the local church, then actually you were raised in abuse! It's just a covert, subtle kind of abuse that is very difficult to pinpoint, articulate, and put your finger on unless an outside source gives you the low down on what is really going on. The abuse you were raised in in the local church as a church kid is "spiritual abuse". It is not uncommon for people who are spiritually abused to not even know they are being abused! Does that make the abuse ok? Not at all. People don't have to consciously be aware of the harm done to them for it to count as abuse. And how do I know that you were raised in abuse? Because you said that being a Christian shouldn't feel like a life and death situation every day. There's the abuse right there. The weight, the oppression, the condemnation, the requirements - none of which God put on you, but it was put on you in God's name. On the one hand, being a Christian, ironically, is at its core a matter of life and death (i.e., Jesus came to make us dead people alive again), but in our daily life, once we are saved and safe in Him....Jesus told us that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. That doesn't sound like life and death to me. Yes, we've got to take up our cross, but Jesus is the one who did the dying and the suffering for us. In fact, one of the known attributes of high control groups is that people in them experience "inferred, symbolic, and/or literal death threats". If you have listened at all to the sharing from the co-workers about a year ago, you will know immediately that inferred, symbolic, and/or literal threats of death are indeed found in the local churches. That's not normal for a church. It's not a healthy church. And it's not of God. God doesn't threaten us with death; His mercies are so rich that He saves us from the punishment of death! The sexism is, I think, tied up somewhat in the thought-stopping cliches in the local church. Thought-stopping cliches are sayings that shut down rational thought, and prevent the ability of members to speak up. If you've got prevalent teachings like "get out of your mind" or "you are on the wrong tree" or "we are not in the realm of right and wrong", then almost any horrific thing can be said and the members are already fully ingrained to immediately doubt their own concerns and condemn their own reactions! (all that's spiritual abuse too, for the record). And as a former poster here used to observe, if you can shut down and oppress half the members (women), then you have successfully shut down half of the people who will keep you accountable! So many things are just about control. There's more I would like to say in response to your post, but I'm short on time right now. I understand the rabbit hole, and I understand the emotional exhaustion. It's very normal for what you are discovering. Read books on spiritual abuse. Watch YouTube videos on spiritual abuse. There are some good ones (and some mediocre ones). You should be able to discern the good from the mediocre pretty quickly. As a church kid, the light will go on once you hear people NOT from the local church describing something they call "an abusive church" and it.......just so happens to sound like the local church. It's eye opening. Here are two interviews with the authors of one of the more well-known books on spiritual abuse (called The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGL_Wl7BAfE (Part 1) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MelXy5Gj7Jc (Part 2) Trapped