[Nell]

Anon,

Your message is so heart-wrenching. It makes me want to cry. I can say "amen" to those who have responded to you and add one simple prayer which is one I pray often. Very often. My prayer is "Lord, don't let me be deceived." Sometimes I add "Lord, I'm in trouble here. Please don't let me be deceived."

You may be inclined to think that all the things troubling you are things you need to figure out. I don't believe you need to figure out anything. As long as you are before the Lord with your heart open to Him and your sober mind open to Him and his Word (which you are), your greatest need is not to be misled. A quote I like is "If you don't know the truth of a matter, don't form an opinion until you do know."

Another thing, it really sounds like the Lord has you right where he wants you! Start a journal. Write down your questions and feelings and the date. When your questions are answered, write the answer and the date. Right now, thank Him for His faithfulness and graciousness. I have some journals that, looking back I read what was written and asked in amazement..."who wrote that???" Me? Naaaaahhhhh...couldn't be! :-)

Blessings to you Anon.

Nell