Local Church Discussions - View Single Post

Trapped · 09-04-2018, 08:55 PM

My response will come from the perspective of a church kid hearing this thought from a very young age.

There are also two lines - friends outside the church and friends in the church.

Friends outside the church
As a church kid, I was taught incessantly that having friends is bad. This was contrasted with having companions in the church as good. The thought behind it was "being unequally yoked”. The fear-tactic used was that all non-LC friends your age are inevitably into drugs, sex, and alcohol, while all LC people your age are not. So if you had friends or any close relationships outside of the church, they would inexorably draw you away from the Lord into the realm of whatever those friends outside the church were doing. You would get pulled "out of the ark".

The problem is the LC put a heavy blanket kibosh on ALL non-LC friends, which is like saying "some dogs bite so let’s stay away from all dogs ever for all time". Well, actually the truth is it’s the parents' job is to vet the friends and make sure they are people with a level head and who are not inclined to get into trouble. The concept that “friends = bad” is the wrong concept and the wrong teaching. This was realized and admitted years ago by the ones in the Southern California Young People's Work as a mini "we were wrong" moment (I heard a message on it passed around years later), where they realized if young people in the church don't have any friends outside the church, then the logical source for gospel contacts at that age is also eradicated. So they changed their tune, unfortunately not with the mental health of the young people in mind, but for the sake of the growth of the LCs.

I think the message should have been more like “choose your friends wisely”. This goes along with the thought that “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”. Of course it is an important matter who our friends are, because, especially as young people, they can become big determiners of our actions and situations. So rather than “friends are bad” it really should be “choose the right friends.” What if your friends were 4.0+ GPA, A+ students, diligent members of the band, high achievers, involved in positive school activities? Are they “bad”? This creates the bizarre scenario which marked my childhood of positive high achieving kids reaching out to me to try to be my friend and me dancing around not able to explain why I couldn’t connect back. The “friends” I had (I use quotes not to denigrate them, but to represent the mental wall I could never breakthrough to really enjoy the friendships) were essentially the ones that any parent would pray that their children would have. And yet I never could shake the weight that the friends were snatching their claws at me to drag me into the pits of hell. When the reality was they were just nice kids from nice homes who liked me and wanted to hang out with me. To this day I see that they all still hang out together, but because I didn’t have the opportunity and clear mentality to build up normal human friendships, I do not have them as friends as an adult, when I really, really wish I did. I genuinely have to work hard in talking to normal people “out there” to kill the thought that they are “bad people”, and am in the process of trying to make connections with humans for the first time in my life.

This teaching applied to children creates handicapped adults who cannot form relationships outside the local church.

Friends in the local church
I have less to say here, but the thought is that all our interactions have to go through the cross. “Nothing natural does the Body life allow”. I never really thought much about this side, but in considering why someone in Lee’s position would promulgate this thought, I can see that if there are no “natural friendships” then there are less likely to be honest conversations between saints where dissatisfaction or their true feelings are expressed. This way opinions, thoughts, ideas cannot be brought up because it is “soulish”. I really run out of steam to write much on this, but I just don’t see how anyone can have a normal life under this bizarre concept. How do you go on, for example, a hiking trip with another family unless they are your friends? At some point you are just a human being.

09-04-2018, 08:55 PM	#4
Trapped Member Join Date: Mar 2018 Posts: 1,523	Re: Self serving doctrine of Lee My response will come from the perspective of a church kid hearing this thought from a very young age. There are also two lines - friends outside the church and friends in the church. Friends outside the church As a church kid, I was taught incessantly that having friends is bad. This was contrasted with having companions in the church as good. The thought behind it was "being unequally yoked”. The fear-tactic used was that all non-LC friends your age are inevitably into drugs, sex, and alcohol, while all LC people your age are not. So if you had friends or any close relationships outside of the church, they would inexorably draw you away from the Lord into the realm of whatever those friends outside the church were doing. You would get pulled "out of the ark". The problem is the LC put a heavy blanket kibosh on ALL non-LC friends, which is like saying "some dogs bite so let’s stay away from all dogs ever for all time". Well, actually the truth is it’s the parents' job is to vet the friends and make sure they are people with a level head and who are not inclined to get into trouble. The concept that “friends = bad” is the wrong concept and the wrong teaching. This was realized and admitted years ago by the ones in the Southern California Young People's Work as a mini "we were wrong" moment (I heard a message on it passed around years later), where they realized if young people in the church don't have any friends outside the church, then the logical source for gospel contacts at that age is also eradicated. So they changed their tune, unfortunately not with the mental health of the young people in mind, but for the sake of the growth of the LCs. I think the message should have been more like “choose your friends wisely”. This goes along with the thought that “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”. Of course it is an important matter who our friends are, because, especially as young people, they can become big determiners of our actions and situations. So rather than “friends are bad” it really should be “choose the right friends.” What if your friends were 4.0+ GPA, A+ students, diligent members of the band, high achievers, involved in positive school activities? Are they “bad”? This creates the bizarre scenario which marked my childhood of positive high achieving kids reaching out to me to try to be my friend and me dancing around not able to explain why I couldn’t connect back. The “friends” I had (I use quotes not to denigrate them, but to represent the mental wall I could never breakthrough to really enjoy the friendships) were essentially the ones that any parent would pray that their children would have. And yet I never could shake the weight that the friends were snatching their claws at me to drag me into the pits of hell. When the reality was they were just nice kids from nice homes who liked me and wanted to hang out with me. To this day I see that they all still hang out together, but because I didn’t have the opportunity and clear mentality to build up normal human friendships, I do not have them as friends as an adult, when I really, really wish I did. I genuinely have to work hard in talking to normal people “out there” to kill the thought that they are “bad people”, and am in the process of trying to make connections with humans for the first time in my life. This teaching applied to children creates handicapped adults who cannot form relationships outside the local church. Friends in the local church I have less to say here, but the thought is that all our interactions have to go through the cross. “Nothing natural does the Body life allow”. I never really thought much about this side, but in considering why someone in Lee’s position would promulgate this thought, I can see that if there are no “natural friendships” then there are less likely to be honest conversations between saints where dissatisfaction or their true feelings are expressed. This way opinions, thoughts, ideas cannot be brought up because it is “soulish”. I really run out of steam to write much on this, but I just don’t see how anyone can have a normal life under this bizarre concept. How do you go on, for example, a hiking trip with another family unless they are your friends? At some point you are just a human being.