Quote:
Originally Posted by Trapped
Thanks for taking the time to write that.
Unfortunately from my time in the LC I am totally closed to being open to God, even though because of that very upbringing, in my living I am still trapped in waiting on Him to bring me a mate.
A while back as I realized I would be "one of those saints" who doesn't get to have a marriage partner at the time in their life when many others do, and a nascent, angry, realization began in me wrapped up in many church kid concepts about God: "Does God use the marriage thing to break people?" And everything in my experience has bolstered that thought, which has made me so angry that He would *&^% around with people in that way just to get what He wants.
So while opening to God in the way you described may be, and probably is, the pathway to a spouse (although I understand that if I open to God with the intention and goal of a spouse He won't "honor" that because the goal is not purely God Himself......maybe the truth or maybe another concept?), I am at the point where about the only way God can prove to me He is worth opening to is to work out the spouse thing first. (Like "you drop your gun first, then I'll drop mine." "No you drop yours!' "No you drop yours!") So there's a massive, volcanically angry standoff between me and Him that I can't even think about too much because we all know the God of the universe will win every time, and I am convinced that even if He gets me to open to Him, He will end up twisting it so that "He is enough" rather than bringing someone along for me to spend my life with, which thought just pisses me off to no end too.
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When I read what you wrote, it really resonated in me! That is because I believe I know where this thinking comes from, because I am also recovering from that sort of view of God.
When I was with the LCs, and for years after (and am actually recovering a bit still) I held a very similar concept of God. Then I got around some saints who didn't see God as some kind of unbeatable chess-master/steamroller. This is a concept I definitely picked up in the Recovery. There were so many stories there about that, and how he would get you in the right place to crush your natural life through whatever means He could somehow conjure up. To sums up that whole train of thought in one word - BALONEY!
Yes, God has a purpose and He will get that purpose. But what is His purpose about? All His motivation is His great love for us. HE LOVES US!
If God was just a steamroller He could have had His purpose long ago. So what's standing in His way? Mostly us. But since His purpose is about having a family that is built on mutual love, He is not about crushing the family members, is He? Of course not. The view that He is out to get us somehow is one that has gone off the rails.
When I began to see that His underlying motive for everything is
His amazing love for us, and not just about His purpose, then the scriptures began to open to me in a new way, and my heart was also softened. The old, misguided concept of God was exposed as a lie.
He loves us. His love is the answer to all the "whys." He loves us. He will wait for us just as the Prodigal Father in Luke 15 (read that story of a Father's extraordinary love again - the Father anticipates the sons return and recklessly runs out to embrace him). Why? Love is patient and love is kind according to 1 Corinthians 13. Love never fails. This is the true picture of who we are pursuing!
This is the God that you can open to. He loves you. He knows what is binding you up and keeping you from the glorious freedom He wants for you. He wants to heal your heart.
Tell Him you are bitter and don't hold back the expletives if you feel to. He's your Abba Daddy, and just wants a real relationship with you. This is the One Jesus came to show to us - One full of amazing love, amazing grace.
Don't let misconceptions keep you from just talking to Him in the most brutally honest way.
May the Lord give you the biggest hug!