Quote:
Originally Posted by Koinonia
I do think the practice of "secret" courtship leads to a lot of disfunction and irrational trepidation about entering into relationships (and also a more artificial dating experience). The logic I have heard is about "covering"--that you don't want to create an atmosphere for gossip by pursuing a relationship out in the open. So, you create this strange environment where hardly anybody knows about the status of your relationship until you announce engagement.
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Koinonia- I couldn’t agree more. Nothing is perfect but this is certainly something that needs to change. You can’t “fix” gossip with practices, gossip will find a way of sneaking in through the back door, even stronger bc the “secret” is now bigger. Marriage is an idol to many of these women and it’s easy to see why. They are seeing the “best versions” of each other- without being alone and letting their guards down. I mean, it is a personal discipline to exercise self control and although things may happen- it’s a personal walk and decision between you and Jesus. No elder can or should try to “control” that. Guide, yes. Control, no. This “covering” issue is so bizarre and outdated. It’s awful really. I have a family member who did this before they were married. They had talked marriage and were very serious, of course “fellowshipping” with another couple and obeying all the rules. Which, good for then if they made them feel great. To each their own...it’s just obviously not their “own” but the LC way- but that’s besides the point!
That was their choice.
The funny thing was, it DOES create even more gossip bc people know- they pick up on things, and questions and rumors get started. Hopefully the secret didn’t lead any other bro/sis’s on with secret hopes- but we’ll never know! I remember this family member telling me people were asking about her and her spouse before they were married and she denied it- saying they were just friends. Um, besides the fact that you could tell she thought it was funny that she had that “secret” that people wanted to know- isn’t that flat out LYING?? But, somehow it’s justified bc it’s “covered” information and that person didn’t have the right to ask so they deserve to be given a lie.
By the way, we’re talking about a group of Christians!!
It’s just another example of bad practices playing out!
Kind of funny story on the same topic, our family knew of their “arrangement” before they were engaged but not many other people. I accidentally posted a picture on Facebook of our family where my future bro in law was included. Wow- it was a genuine mistake but I got a panicked phone call within an hr- saying the picture must be taken down immediately. They weren’t too happy with me- to say the least.
I’m sure they went into damage control mode-wondering how many people “knew” the secret now. I took it down but was just surprised at the level of urgency. They are so concerned with doing things in the “right LC PC way.” I’m sorry, I’m just trying to live my life and if you want me to cover for you or keep secrets then maybe they should write up a Non-Disclosure Agreement for the “potential couples” to give to other family members!
I’m not trying to be harsh. It’s just so weird to me that they can’t even be seen in the same Facebook picture when they’re already talking about marriage- bc of the LC culture. Then, I’m the one “in the wrong” for not being considerate of that. It’s too much- I’m just so tired of that kind of behavior. I don’t think it’s normal for a Christian and think it’s 100% LC culture and not Jesus. Then also, living under the insinuation from them that they are the ones in the “light,” and I’m “negative” is just too much sometimes.
I need some Jesus love today- sorry for my negative words. It’s just frustrating and I wish that kind of stuff wouldn’t be such an alienating problem. It’s a bunch of these little things that lead to bitterness and that’s the last thing I want.
Balancing shining light of these issues to expose them- and also relating to them personally is a tricky thing to handle emotionally.
I don’t blame the people acting this way- it’s the LC culture and it’s a big problem.