I am so sorry you are going through this pain.
That is very hurtful.
I have some strong thoughts about this from especially two perspectives. 1) I was there. And 2) I was a "sister."
So...I'll try to keep this brief. And I'm not going to argue with anyone about it, because I may say some things people don't like. If it resonates with you, any of it, I hope it helps!
The FTT was, in my experience, I think as someone said a bit of a rites of passage...for men. It is a place that rewards them for being the promising lights of tomorrow's leadership. Some of us went there, and some go there, because we were not sure what to do, and thought if we went there, God (i.e., in the form of someone else) would tell us. Once you get there, it is some serious conditioning. You spend ALLLLLLLLLL your time in meetings with fellow trainees. It does not surprise me at all that you have had off and on contact with him.
Here's my perspective and how I would handle it, personally: You want to talk about unequally yoked? A marriage/partnership is exactly that: A PARTNERSHIP. Yeah, you're right you're unequally yoked. You're unequally yoked to him, as much as he sees himself as unequally yoked to go. Someone needs to tell that boy it goes both ways. What makes him think the answer to this is for YOU to follow HIM? Partnership is about compromise. Being "yoked" is about going through life together. You both change. (Yes, I am married, successfully, going on about 7 years...together for about 10 now. Respectable enough!)
The way I see it, you are the one holding the reigns here. I would say he's sorta given you an ultimatum; now you give him a counter one.
I may sound here like I'm being harsh, making this about a competition or gender war, but I'm only talking that way to pull this back to the center. Every person has a right to their boundaries, their soft nos and hard nos, in a relationship. That includes you. Maybe I don't have to tell you this...it sounds like you have that idea already and see where this may lead.
To bring this back to the FTT and what you can expect...there is a very likely chance that he will let you go. I say that because he is already being heavily persuaded to do so, I guarantee you. His informing you that you need to join with him in the LC may actually be a bit of desperation, a hope that he will not HAVE to let you go. But he knows that he will. He will...or decide between you and the FTT.
I said it's a good possibility he will let you go...probability even...but it's not 100%. If he thinks he has a chance of convincing you, he may believe it is crystal clear. If he is faced, however, with a firm confirmation from you that that's not in your future, he may suddenly find this decision much more difficult.
so...imo, it's worth it to draw that line, as it were. This is where you both find out if you will continue together or not. Someone's gotta give. Him being with you, I take it, does not require him to leave the LC...at least that doesn't appear to be the case for you so far, am I right? If so, than your option presents the most flexibility for the both of you than his. Now, if he pursues you or maintains contact, while at the FTT, and they KNOW about it, rest assured there is a good chance he may be told he cannot continue in the FTT. And that may be very hard for him. But let's say he's really in love with you AND knows he wants to move forward in life with you (I'm sure he is really in love with you either way), the decision may be clear.
And unless things have DRASTically changed since I left, he's not like, going to be excommunicated or something. he can still fellowship with the church. (He would absolutely not be the first person to go along with things up to a point, and still stick around. One of the reasons I think my experience was a little less creepy than others' is because I was fortunate enough to have parents who modeled taking things with a grain of salt, having boundaries. They might have been with the church, but they didn't let it dictate their every move. And no one has minded or given them a hard time about it.) He might start pressuring you, then, to get married as soon as possible, and that would be another thing you'd have to negotiate over and find an ACCEPTABLE meeting place for the both of you, not one giving in to the other. But in any case, he would hardly be without company as someone who has been "unequally yoked." Despite the LC's reputation for interfering in and trying to arrange marriages, there is hardly anything more likely to break the bonds of control within any group or influence than romantic partnership. Just forget it. LOL We've been around thousands of years now and even THEY know this So really, it's up to the two of you.
He's got to understand that this marriage is two people, not you, him, and a church-full of leading brothers who all know what's best for you. smh. And God? Sure, you want to argue God is part of it...if that is true for both of you, then it's true. But he doesn't get to tell you your relationship with God is not legitimate and his is. There is some basic respect he needs to learn. You will only see whether or not he will ultimately give you this respect, if you yourself are clear in what you will and will not accept.
Even if you subscribe to the idea of man being the head of woman (which I don't and think is absolutely ridiculous bunk BUT I respect that others do and that's fine), that does not mean the marriage is not still a partnership, nor does it mean that one person's will gets to dominate the others. I saw some happy marriages in the LC...unless they were REALLY good at faking, and I was fortunate enough to see my parents have one, which they still have.
And many Christians are able to have this viewpoint and still not have it make them unequal to each other as partners. Some make this work very, very beautifully. It's not about the beliefs alone. It's about the relationship you each have with each other AND, more importantly, with God. That is what will determine your chances, and the quality of the partnership.
I am erring on the positive side here, and assuming he really cares about you and wants to be with you. Assuming that, I know the things he is saying, and that he believes, are hurtful. Try to remember that they are coming from fear and/or hopefulness. He is trying to find a way to make it work. Partners have overcome upbringing and beliefs before, gradually working toward the middle compromise after compromise. It's not impossible. I think really at this point you just either have to let him go if you've already decided to do so, or you have to make clear to him what you will and won't do, and see then how he responds.
*sigh* I hope that's helpful. I will hope for the both of you...it would be wonderful for you both to be happy and find that middle ground.
I'm inviting you to PM me if you'd like. More frank discussions might be more suitable in confidence, woman to woman.
Waiting with baited breath to see what happens...best of luck!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered
I have never done a "forum" before and perhaps I must be desperate. I literally stumbled across this forum as I was trying to figure out if the LC was a cult and what the heck I got into. I suppose I qualify as a "lurker."
Anyway, I met a guy about 4 years ago who is a devout member of the LC. Well, devout in how he talks, but his lifestyle does not at all reflect what he says. We had an on-again, off-again relationship over the years. Last year, we started talking about marriage and got more serious. However, I could never shake off the whole "spiritual" aspect of his life.
I was raised in a non-denominational church and could never understand what he was talking about or what was really going on during the LC church meetings. I consider myself an educated woman with the ability to reason. But no matter how I sliced it, I could never understand things like the "Triune God." His reason for my lack of understanding was because I was "veiled." He told me many strange things over the years and was extremely judgmental and critical of other christians. He did not believe I had a real relationship with God.
He told me that we were "unequally yoked" and the only way we could move towards marriage is if I chose to follow him in the LC. I balked and hesitated. I had no understanding for what was going on. He would cut off communication with me at times and then shortly thereafter, call me and want to see me again. It all was very confusing.
I refused to join the church, even though I cared about him. He has since left for his second term at the Full time training. Our relationship is muddled and without a label at this point. He has not communicated either. Probably because he's not allowed to.
1) I need to know what it means that he has joined the FTT? Is there any hope for him and his mental and emotional health?
2) Can someone please explain how one can claim to "know the truth" and "have the light" and yet their lives are in complete darkness and chaos? How can he not see that?
3) I need to know what the FTT means for him and how I can walk away and stop hoping for him to change if he never will. I need to be set free from this mess.
Thank you,
"Searching"
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