[OBW]

Interesting weekend. My nephew got married. Happened in the living room of my Dad’s house. (I was also married in the living room of my parent’s house ─ different house and almost 30 years ago.) We had my eldest son’s new fiancée with us and she had some interesting comments at dinner later.

But that is not the purpose of this post. While the flow of the meeting was somewhat expected, although not significantly enough scripted for anyone to know what to do next at a couple of points, there was something missing. As is typical for a LC wedding, it was about 95 percent about the metaphor of Christ and his bride, the Church, and not much about the young couple. But it was not among the more extreme LC weddings that I have seen in the past.

Well, when I said "not much about the young couple," that is not entirely true. There was an “open mic” time (without an actual microphone in that small space) and, with one exception, it was the relatives that spoke. They did mostly speak about the couple, or one or the other of them. But mixed in were the thoughts of their marriage being “for Christ and the church.”

Even the guy who did sort of “officiate” said some good things, although he seemed to get lost. I had expected to see Jerry McGill, but something came up and he could not be there. I did not know the man who spoke in his place. (And given the speed with which I forget names, his has already eluded me.) He even seemed to be on the verge of saying something to the effect that they should not over-spiritualize it all, but never quite said it. Do not take this as a criticism of him. He was kind of thrown into this on a moment's notice. I spoke with him briefly afterward and found him very likable, as is Jerry.

But given the tendency for LC traditions and teachings to lean toward a male dominated culture, I now wished I had taken the opportunity to say something. I know it would not be in the same way as the others, but I don’t think they would have openly objected. Given some time to think, here is what I am considering putting in a letter, or more likely, in an email, in the near future (with slight modifications to conceal the innocent).

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Life for the next few days, weeks, and even months will have some resemblance to being on a tropical island with everything you need there for you to take and enjoy. But while you are focused on that, real life will be creeping in. One day you will actually notice that it is there around you. The imperfections finally show up. You will begin to wonder if someone stole your spouse, or at least part of them, and substituted a slightly different clone. She will not seem so much like the Bride of Christ and he will not resemble Christ.

So what went wrong? Nothing. Scripture is correct when it says that we become “one flesh.” But that does not mean that we cease to be “two flesh.” It is not a contradiction, but is about different things. He is always who he is, and so is she. At the same time, there is a new entity that joins to be “married,” and do the things of marriage, including bearing and raising children.

But this joint life does not end your separate life. And you will discover how real and strong those two separate lives can be. It does not matter if one of you is prone to being passive. The very act of being passive is often a tool of defense of who you are. “They may boss me around, but they can’t get inside of me.”

Here is where notions of position and place collapse. If he wants to be the “head” he will fail. And as much as she wants to submit, it won’t happen. Instead, look at the whole of the verses in Ephesians 5. It begins in verse 21 with “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This is the set-up verse. Then verse 22 begins with “wives, to your husbands,” and then verse 25 says “husbands, to your wives.” There are surely other words there, but these are the links to the primary command in verse 21. We have presumed that these verses create some sort of hierarchy between husband and wife. But instead they charge each to do the part that is theirs in submission to the other. I know it sounds funny, but consider that Jesus said that the true position of a disciple is as servant to all. That includes to your spouse.

But instead of relying on Paul’s words (acknowledging that they are also God’s words), let’s look at those of Jesus. As part of His answer concerning what is the greatest commandment, Jesus actually provides two which he joins as a unit upon which all the rest are built. That second commandment is in Matthew 22:39 and it says “Love your neighbor as yourself.” It does not say to love them more than yourself. It does not say to love them almost as much as yourself. It also does not suggest that you should love yourself less, then love them that much.

Now, the first thing that may come to mind is “since when is my spouse my neighbor?” When you look at the parallel account in Luke 10, we see that there was a follow-on question. It was “who is my neighbor?” The answer has resulted in a lot of different interpretations, but the best answer is that whoever you have contact with is your neighbor. Now who do you suppose a married person has a whole lot of contact with? If you say “my spouse” you have won the prize! So whether you want to say that Paul has simply said “love your neighbor who happens to be my spouse just like I love myself” in a different way, or you want to say that Jesus said to “submit to your spouse” in a different way, both are correct. And if you think that being a servant of all is only referring to serving the “saints” and not also referring to your spouse, and to all your neighbors, both those who live in proximity and those we come in contact with both physically and “virtually” in so many ways every day, then you have missed the meaning.

Do not understand this as criticism of anything. I hope that this can be found as wise advice that will serve you as you journey through life together. I pray that it will strengthen your marriage as trials come. And they will come. I’m sure that no one else has suggested differently.

Some may say that this is about equality in marriage. There is some truth to that. But it is much more. Marriage is a testing ground for living the Christian life. If I cannot raise my love for my spouse to be as great as I love myself, then how can I think that I love some other human at that level? If I cannot submit to the person that is right there at the first light of day and when the lights turn off at night, then how can I really be a servant to any others with whom I have even less connection?

I trust that your love for each other will blossom further and further. But I also know that there will be trials. The kind of love that makes you blind to other things is not the love that will see you through the trials. It is the love that raises the other to be your equal that will see you through. It is the love that is willing to serve the other, even in the midst of heartache and pain, that will bring you through. It is the love that you choose and not the love that grows in your emotions. Emotions are fickle. But the love that comes from Christ is a love that can be chosen when the emotions are strongly contrary. Chose that love. It is the love that does not clang on cymbals or parade around to the sound of trumpets.

Your uncle and your brother