Some may have been bothered about some of what has been written about Jane and me (some of which has been moved by the moderator). We don’t hold anything against anyone; we realize that all have their own difficult experiences in life, especially when it comes to marriage. I still remember being in meetings of the Local Church in which it was boasted that there were no divorces like in poor Christianity. Obviously, that was a long time ago.
About books and a website
In addition to our marriage being maligned, it was insinuated that we were in the publishing business for the money. Without going into detail, I’ll just state that we have not profited a penny off of all our books; we are still in the red. Why is this? It’s because Jane keeps giving books away. (She’s given away more than we’ve sold.)
In other words, our publishing is a ministry to the Lord; we don’t do it for the money. In fact, Jane wanted to give away all of
The Thread of Gold books, but was counseled not to do so. She also did not want to market the book, stating that the Lord would do that. In fact, that happened on the old Berean’s forum when someone opened a thread about the book, unbeknownst to us. We were not involved in that forum at the time.
Jane is now trying to get the word out about the woman topic, since it affects so many Christians; her audience includes Local Church Christians but many others, too. She started a blog to this end, and she has informed a bunch of folks that she is blogging. Regardless, neither one of us started this thread on the Local Church Discussions forum, nor did we have anything to do with this happening. If anyone wants to use the thread to advertise Jane’s work, please, just use it to market the message of her books and blog—which is about helping Christian men and women understand how God wants them to view and treat each other, which includes repenting to each other.
Freedom in marriage
I am writing as a married Christian male who has some things to say in particular to the other males here. I will try to be inclusive in what I write, with respect to the diverse audience (not all are married, some are women, some simply want to distort whatever I say), but I might not succeed. In other words, I am going to speak some things from my heart, and I hope readers can receive them in the spirit which I mean them.
Now, as to marriage: What if you, married Christian men, could be really free in your marriages? The following is an abbreviated description of my journey to freedom.
One day, I noticed that Jane was reading a book. I asked her about it, but she was reticent to show it to me. I pressed, and she did. It was
God’s Word to Women. She was in the middle of it and said that I could read
The Magna Carta of Woman while I waited for her to finish, which was like a condensed version of it. After reading both, I wrote “Woman 101: What Every Christian Man Needs To Know.”
So, what is this freedom of which I speak? It is freedom from the doctrines and attitudes that I picked up while in the Local Church, as well as from our culture before that, as regards women. I used to think and feel that I was at least somewhat responsible for controlling my wife because it was what God expected of me. I believed all that I understood of what I had read in the King James version of the Bible (because that is what the Local Church used at the time), including all I understood that it said about women.
One thing that Jane has mentioned to me several times is this: As a man “thinketh … so is he” (Pro. 23:7). Therefore, to get a change in behavior, one’s mind needs to be changed. That is what my posts are about—giving information that might cause people to consider the possibility that there might be another side to the story and a need for a change in thinking.
Our marriage
Since it has been brought up, what kind of a marriage do Jane and I have? This kind of question reminds me of elder Ray Graver making a very inappropriate comment to Jane about our marriage, at the end of the infamous 1977 kangaroo court handling of her (chronicled in
The Thread of Gold): “I always wondered why the Lord put you two together, and now I know.”
To put it succinctly, Jane is my woman of
chayil. In fact, it is through her that I was born again. After working through many problems in our marriage and family, mostly caused by me, we now make a great team. When I first read the post insinuating that the order was upside down in our house, I thought of these words: “heirs together of the grace of life.” Well, what’s the whole verse?
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with [them] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. (1 Pet. 3:7, KJV)
I was reminded of what had stood out to me recently: “heirs together.” The Lord showed me that I had been relegating this phrase to the future because of the word “heirs.” Then, I understood that we have it now! We have the grace of life, Jane and I. So, my brothers, think about the word, “together.” Just dwell on this one verse for awhile. Let the Lord speak to your hearts. I know that I’m vacillating between giving what I thought would be a brief testimony and preaching, but I’m just going with the flow. Besides, in the context of the verse, Jane and I do pray together, and God does answer our prayers.
Back to marriage, I was a strong man, or so I thought, who was used to keeping Jane in her place with cutting words and jokes and brief references to Scripture and other such ways. I thought that I was right. I was oblivious to the fact that my sons were watching and learning poor treatment of my wife and their mother, therefore giving opportunity for the cycle to continue. (I have now repented to Jane and my sons for this.) These things were mostly done without a conscious motive. It was just who I was. Back to the freedom part: I don’t have to do that anymore. I don’t have to try to put her in her place. How could I even know what that is? Am I her God? Am I to be the mediator between God and her? No, that position has been filled by the One Who bought her with His blood. She is a free woman in Christ, and I am a free man in Christ! Isn’t it time that you set women free to be the women that God has called them to be? Do you trust your wife? Do you trust women? Or, do you use your interpretation of the Genesis account to justify your refusal to listen to them seriously?
Should we have gotten married?
Jane and I fellowship all the time. We have a standing date every Saturday morning at a fast-food restaurant, where we talk about the Bible and our experiences and our understandings. The rest of our week, we talk on the fly about what we are reading or realizing about the Christian life—what it is, and what it should or could be.
I am not trying to portray us as a perfect couple or one that should be emulated. I’m just saying that we are getting better and better at this Christian marriage thing. This is no less than a miracle, I think, given the fact that I was a hard man to live with for a Christian wife, and still am, in many ways. I will tell you that over the last period of time, the Lord has been speaking to me a lot about humility.
I can’t recall if this is in any of her books or not; but, when we were going to a Christian counselor for help with one of our sons, and after the results came back from a test we each took, we were told, “If I had talked to you before marriage, I would have counseled you not to have gotten married. The fact that you are still married is a testament to the powerful working of Jesus in your lives.” Jane and I are two very different people; but, we both fear the Lord and are committed to Him: He is the One Who makes our marriage work.
Due to the personal attacks against Jane and me, I thought that it was appropriate for me to present the foregoing; and, with the context in mind, I also thought that it would be appropriate and, hopefully, enlightening to some, for me to write the following:
My Woman of Chayil
I have found a woman of chayil, and she is worth far more than rubies.
I can safely trust in her.
She does good for me and not evil.
She is always busy.
She goes as far as it takes to get what is needed.
She is up at all hours, communing with the Lord. She stays in contact with others sharing what she has received from Him.
She is generous and always working for others.
She helped provide for her family what they needed, including spiritual food. Her children are born-again, and they seek to walk with the Lord as they actively serve Him in His church.
She trained herself to use a computer, and then started and ran her own software company from home.
She applies her hands to the keyboard, preparing words of help for those in need.
She is strong, honorable, and wise. She spends much of her time helping others.
There are other women of chayil; but, to me, she is the most excellent.
She is a woman who fears the Lord, and she teaches others to do the same.
I, her husband, praise her, and so do her works.
Her name is Jane; and, in less than a week, we will have been married 50 years.
I am indebted, of course, to the author of Proverbs 31 (likely to Solomon, the wisest man), for the basic structure of my presentation. Jane, who actually has written poetry, would have done much better if writing about me. By the way, she did the artwork for
The Woman of Chayil and
A Song of Songs Woman. Not only that, when in church after singing a hymn, people she doesn’t know often turn around and tell her that she has a beautiful voice and should be in the choir.
Appeal to Christian men
Men, if you are not, wouldn’t you want to be married to a woman of
chayil? How might your behavior toward women change if you believed that God wanted all Christian women to be women of
chayil? The thing I most remember from Bushnell’s book is the point that the God-given gifts of half the body of Christ have been stifled because of wrong thinking about Christian women. Our Christian sisters have been the objects of our wrong attitudes and behaviors. Please, at least pray about the possibility and give the Lord an opportunity to show you how to value, honor, and learn from these members of the body, a body of which you are a part.