[Drake]

Igzy) "Actually I didn't fear the disapproval of others as much as my post might have indicated.

I really just feared the daily dread of not being good enough. The daily grind of the unreasonable expectations of the LCM. The tediously spartan lifestyle. "

Igzy,

Ok, you did not fear the disapproval of others. Let's just take them out of your fear equation.

Therefore, you feared the dread, the daily dread. Expectations were unreasonable. Expectations set by "LCM". So a kind of group pressure to dress a certain way, to have morning watch, to not enjoy that Big Mac and fry, to live a life of deprivation from TV and movies, to be at all the meetings, to serve on clean up, or parking, or unpacking boxes at meetings and trainings. You were a young man so you may have had a love interest but that was discouraged too. No staring, no quality time alone, and definitely no dating. Rather, surrounded mostly by brothers 24X7 you had to read the ministry, share, pray, exercise your spirit, shine your shoes, iron your own clothes, and make sure your dirty socks did not end up in someone's drinking glass.

That sort of thing is what you feared. It wasn't just dread of that "spartan" life, you also had fear of the dread. Fear that you would slip, fall short, become disapproved and not be worthy of being a "good brother". Each day could be the day it became too much. The pressure was enormous.

Something like that?

Drake