Quote:
Originally Posted by Drake
Hi Igzy,
Sure. You said "that belief leads to all the fear, manipulation, abuse and damage that those complaints testify of. "
You mentioned one of your fears was of God's punishment by leaving the group.
What other fears did you have? What fears were on your mind when you went to bed and when you woke up?
Drake
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Fear of not being good enough, fear of not "making" the kingdom, fear of not pleasing "the brothers." In general fear of failure, of not being a "good brother."
This fear generally pushed me to try harder at toeing the LCM line. You know, the whole bit, going to all the trainings, reading all the Life-Studies and books, taking part in all the gospel outings, dressing like a dork, keeping completely clear of the world. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Fear and loathing. I was never good enough.
But it was a standard I could not keep nor that the Lord wanted me to keep.
I remember one time Titus Chu came to Texas. He gave messages directed at the young people. He got on us for going to McDonald's after the meetings. He said in his broken English, "You don't know how much McDonald's hurt church life." So now I had to feel guilty about wanting fast food after a meeting, or any other time, I guess. Really? Even a moment of escape into a small order of fries was bad? More guilt.
I remember Lee warning us to not play sports, or have dogs for pets, or drink coffee, or read the newspaper, or seek entertainment, or... the list goes on. More fear and loathing.
In one training, I think it was Colossians, Lee actually told us to flee "anything that makes you happy." No kidding. That's a quote. Any outlet of personal pleasure was frowned upon. I felt like a failure because I could not be this machine that just "enjoyed Christ."
What a bunch of BS that all was. Any sensible person would have just left right away. But fear and guilt kept me there. I had been indoctrinated by a bunch of fanatical jerks who are going to pay for it someday.
But the requirement was untenable. So finally I just left. Now, looking back I see how abused and manipulated I was. But that realization took time and the cost was a lot of suffering.
I was just a kid. They preyed on my naivete. They stole a big chunk of my life. So, yeah, I resent it. I pity the LCM now. I don't hate anyone. But I'm very serious about helping anyone I can avoid that place, including you.