[InChristAlone]

Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the
world - there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning,
Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord,
it's morning."

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the
garage makes you a car.

A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist pastor and their wives were on a
cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and
next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head. "I can't
let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married
a woman named Penny."
Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food
too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look
good, Fanny.

A priest and a bus driver both go to Heaven at the same time. St. Peter
shows the bus driver his house, which is three houses away from God.
During this time, the priest is thinking to himself, "Since I'm a priest I
should be right next to God!"
Then St. Peter turns towards the priest and beckons him to follow. The
priest follows for three miles when they finally come to a house. St. Peter
tells the priest that this is his house.
The priest looks horrified and says to St. Peter, "I don't understand! The
bus driver is really close to God and I'm a priest! That doesn't make sense!
St. Peter replies, "Oh, that's easy to explain. When you preach, people
sleep. When the bus driver drives, people pray."

The Pastor's title
A local Pastor joined a community Service Club, and the members thought they
would have a little fun with him. Under his name badge they printed, "Hog
Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was
presented.
The Pastor responded by saying, " I usually am called the "Shepherd of the
sheep"... but I guess you know your people better than I do."

Church Bulletins
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a
conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


Where do we come from?
A little girl asked her mother, "Where did people come from?"
Her mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and that's
how all mankind was made."
A couple of days later she asked her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, which the human
race evolved from."
The confused little girl returned to her mother and said, "Mommy, how is it
possible that you told me that we were created by God, and Daddy said we
came from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his."


The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs
to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a
substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to
know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to
think of something to play after I make the announcement about the
finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we
are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected,
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please
stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played the National Anthem ...
... and that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist!


There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he
had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with
him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his
wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your
wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He
might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow
him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to
take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase
and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St.
Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in
here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks
him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and
comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm
supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found
too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"

God will Provide
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her
mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.
“I am a Torah scholar.” he replies.
“A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “admirable, but what will you do
to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?” asks the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide
for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance. The conversation
proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist
insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”
The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he
thinks I’m God!”

An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that
evolution had created. Suddenly he heard a rustling in the bushes behind
him. Turning to look, he saw an 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to charge
toward him.
He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him Running faster yet, he looked
again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding in his chest. He
tried to run faster. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching
for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. The
atheist cried…”GOD DAMN!…”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped
moving. As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came
from the sky.
“YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON’T EXIST
AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. NOW, YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP
YOU AND DAMN THIS BEAR? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A CHRISTIAN?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “Why don’t you try and
make the bear a Christian?”
“VERY WELL,” said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds
of the forest resumed. … and the bear dropped down to his knees, brought
both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, thank you for this food
which I am about to receive.”

Today's Hymn
Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John's Church about
the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.
He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, 'If I had all
the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.' With even
greater emphasis he added, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take
it and throw it into the river.' Finally, he intoned in an extremely
serious manner, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river.'
The Reverend Morgan then sat down. Jerry, St John's leading chorister stood
up and announced with a smile, 'For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us
sing together hymn number 109: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Who is the Fool?
Father George was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of
paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: 'Fool'.
The following Sunday, in church, Father George announced to the assembled
congregation, 'I have known many people who have written letters to me and
forgotten to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from
someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.'

God will save me — A man climbs fast to the roof of his house which is being
over-run by flood waters. A boat comes by and the person in it offers to
take the man. The man replies: “No thanks. God will save me.”The water keeps
rising and reaches the man’s neck. A helicopter comes by to save the man and
he replies: “No thanks. God will save me.”The man drowns and goes to heaven.
There he asks God: “I believed in you. Why did you not save me?”God answers:
“I sent you a boat. I sent you a helicopter. What else did you want me to
do?”

A college student was in Philosophy class, where a class discussion about
whether or not God exists was in progress.
The professor had the following logic: "Has anyone in this class seen God?"
Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class ever heard God?"
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no
God!"
One of the students did not like the sound of this, and asked for permission
to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" he asked.


Bubba's boss was getting tired of Bubba proclaiming that he "knew everybody"
in the world.
"Okay, Bubba," his boss said one day, "Prove to me that you know everybody
in the world. Do you know Tom Cruise?"
"Oh, me and Tom go way back," said Bubba.
So the boss bought airline tickets to Hollywood, and pretty soon Bubba was
knocking at Tom Cruise's door, and was shortly admitted by the butler. Tom
rushed to greet Bubba and invited him for lunch, and they had a good time
discussing movies and things.
"Well, I'm impressed," said the boss when they left. "But I bet you don't
know President Bush."
"Aw, sure I do," said Bubba, and with that they were off to Washington, and
pretty soon, the White House guard was escorting the two men into the Oval
Office.
"Hiya, Bubba!" said the President, warmly embracing him.
After a nice visit and a chat with the Cabinet secretaries, they left. The
boss was suitably impressed, but not giving up.
"Okay, Bubba, I'm going to ask you if you know the ultimate celebrity -- the
Pope."
"Why, for sure I do!" said Bubba, and pretty soon they were on an airplane
to Vatican City.
They found themselves in St. Peter's Square in a crowd of thousands, and
Bubba said, "Heck, I can't see nothin' from here," and so he went right up
to the Swiss Guards and the doors opened to him.
The boss waited outside in the square. Pretty soon the door to the upstairs
balcony opened, and out comes John Paul II and Bubba. They began to smile
and wave at the crowd, with their arms around each other. Shortly thereafter
Bubba decided to return to the Square. When he got there, an ambulance was
loading his Boss into the back.
Bubba rushed up and said, "What happened, Boss?" The boss says, "I was doing
fine until you came out on the balcony and the guy next to me says, 'Who is
that guy on the balcony with Bubba?'"


A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is
leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says
to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your
life, but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell
me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was the time when I was
driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around
this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure
enough, there were about 20 of 'em tormenting this girl."
"Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and
walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded
leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up
to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's
chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I
turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent
girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I
teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."


Lord Help me
Dear Heavenly Father,
So far, today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped or lost my temper. I
haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, or self centered. I'm really happy about
that so far. But in a few minutes I'm going to be getting out of bed and
then I'm going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen

Favorite Hymns of Different Professions
The Dentist's Hymn ... Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn ... There Shall Be Showers Of Blessing
The Contractor's Hymn ... The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn ... Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn ... There Is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn ... Standing On The Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn ... Open My Eyes That I May See
The IRS Agent's Hymn ... I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn ... Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn ... Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn ... In The Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn ... I've Got A Mansion Just Over The Hilltop
The Pilot's Hymn ... I'll Fly Away
The Paramedic's Hymn ... Revive Us Again
The Judge's Hymn ... Almost Persuaded
The Psychiatrist's Hymn ... Just A Little Talk With Jesus
The Architect's Hymn ... How Firm A Foundation
The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn ... A Charge To Keep I Have
The Zoo Keeper's Hymn ... All Creatures Of Our God And King
The Postal Worker's Hymn ... So Send I You
The Waiter's Hymn ... Fill My Cup, Lord
The Gardener's Hymn ... Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming
The Lifeguard's Hymn ... Rescue The Perishing
The Criminal's Hymn ... Search Me, O God
The Baker's Hymn ... When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder
The Shoe Repairer's Hymn ... It Is Well With My Soul
The Travel Agent's Hymn ... Anywhere With Jesus
The Geologist's Hymn ... Rock Of Ages
The Hematologist's Hymn ... Are You Washed In The Blood?
The Men's Wear Clerk's Hymn ... Blest Be The Tie
The Umpire's Hymn ... I Need No Other Argument
The Librarian's Hymn ... Whispering Hope


A married couple were arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said that
in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee and the husband asked
her where it said that. The wife opened the Bible and said: "Right here in
HeBREWS!"


A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class
of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are
atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like
their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the
crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because, I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks her
why she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, my
dad is a Christian, and my grand parents are too, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your mom and your dad were idiots. And what if your grand parents
were idiots? What would you be then?"
She paused, smiled and said, "Oh, I guess that I'd be an atheist!"

There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got to the
island, one of them started screaming and yelling.
"We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're
going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it
drove the first man crazy.
"Don't you understand?!" We're going to die!!" the first man said.
"You don't understand. I make $100,000 a week," said the second man.
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked what difference does
it make? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to
die!!!"
The second man answered, " You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week. I
tithe. My pastor will find me!"


A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was
very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get
some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her
keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what
had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She
said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been
thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or
other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and
said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five
minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who
was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is
what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very
thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes,
my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked
my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger
to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and immediately the car was
opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So
Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today.
I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh,
Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

A short history of medicine
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 BC - "Here, eat this root."
1000 BC - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 AD - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 AD - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"


A father was reading a Bible story to his young son. He read, "The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the
flea?"

A pastor and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to
NY. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game? The pastor, tired,
just wants to take a nap, politely declines, and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He
explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay
me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay
me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the pastors attention and figuring there will be no end to this
torment unless he plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The pastor doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5.00
bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the
library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the preacher, and hands him $500. The pastor says,
"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more
than a little miffed, wakes the pastor and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the pastor reaches into his wallet, hands the lawyer $5.00,
and goes back to sleep.


One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources
Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates
by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven", said St Peter. "Before you get
settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human
Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do
with you".
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let
you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever
one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said
the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules... " And with that St. Peter put the executive in an
elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the
distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all friends -
fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for
her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil
who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time
telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she
got in the elevator.
The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and she found St. Peter waiting for
her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing
the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24
hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your
eternity," he said.
The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven
has been really great and all, but I think had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell.
When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland
covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and
were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and
had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my
friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting, today
you're staff..."

There was an old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her
front porch, raise her arms to the sky, and shout, "Praise the Lord!" One
day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became
irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would step out onto
his front porch and yell after her, "There is no Lord!"Time passed with the
two of them carrying on the way every day. Then one morning in the middle of
winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted,
"Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am starving. Please provide for
me, oh Lord!"The next morning, she stepped onto her porch and there were two
huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He
has provided groceries for me!" The atheist jumped out of the hedges and
shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!" The little old lady
threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided
me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several
residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to
maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused
George, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his pickup truck
parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to
George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was
doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just walked
away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house.......and left it there all night.


The two Brothers

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep
their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and
appeared to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new
pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and
true, and the church membership grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was
started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out
the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the
amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one
condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."
The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil
man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going
on like this, he finally concluded, "But, compared to his brother, he was a
SAINT."