[coalsoffire]

Brothers, I feel safe and welcomed here. I reviewed, in my mind, what I meant by not "women friendly," and I think I meant more along the lines of not "very interesting to women, in general." And the certain (hard to describe) sense I get when the male presence is dominant, like when I am at home and there are all males around the table, and me. Not intimidating; perhaps overwhelming; unbalanced. Now there is the word I was looking for: unbalanced.

I remember vaguely a teaching of Witness Lee's: a healthy picture of the church-life (or maybe it pertained to door knocking) is Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, the ratio being 1 male to 2 females.

I do not want to be a co-moderator; I am thankful for this place, but it is not a place I am inclined to linger. This place has been helpful to me, however. And there are some sweet brothers here.

I recently went to the 2 "local" churches in Cleveland's websites. There was something on one for the sisters, fellowship for the married sisters and such. Again, it seemed unbalanced. Maybe I am too much of a feminist or something. Discouraging, too, is the divided local churches; I really had no idea such a thing existed. But, really, it should have come as no surprise.

Back and forth, a promise of unity, then division; it will never end. Just like wars. Mostly male driven, if you ask me. But, the sisters would probably botch it all up as well, if they were in charge.

I do not know the answer, for me. Where to go to church? I sympathize with the sister who attends Mass every now and then. I determined I would return to the Mother Church of them all. And I did, and it was easy for a time, to just go and do the rituals, which can be very meaningful if you let them be, and eat Jesus, and then be sustained until the next time. It was simple, beautiful, and grounding. And it was not too demanding, except, for me, the examination of conscience and confession. Yet, politics crept in, as usual.

I just can't take it anymore. There is nowhere to go, nowhere "to be." Just here, where I am, in all that I do. I give up on this church thing and on who is right and who is wrong. I do not have the heart for it.