Trusting-

Hi everyone,

This the the original user Trusting who posted back in April 2019 after lurking for a while. I tried to login to my account but sadly, I forgot my password, and the forgot password function wasn't working (I tried last night), so I am posting this as an Unregistered user for now.

To describe my current situation in regards to the Local Church, I would still say that I am an LC member, but I have stopped meeting. I am not sure anymore about the group. I am even worried that it might be a cult. But I have not completely cut ties off with them, as I have friends in the group which I still contact from time to time.

Now I don't want this to be about doctrine, even though I mentioned concerns about it being a cult. There is enough information out there to be of concern. However, I just wanted to share my experience and what the years being in the LC has done to me.

In summary, I am a guy that is messed up. My mental health has declined significantly. I feel depressed and despondent. I feel constant fear of what God might do to me, since I failed God by potentially not being an overcomer, or not being absolute enough for him, or may face the 1000 year discipline in darkness.

Yes, they would say just repent and come back to God and continue meeting and being with the saints, but it would just be groundhog day again. Honestly, I could never be myself. That was discouraged anyway because the self was bad, and my self had to be crucified so I can express Christ. No room for personality. That is probably why I have a really bad issue with self-loathing and self hatred. I would always have to put on a front, especially on the Lord's Table. Goodness knows if I told them the truth about what I am going through. I would get the looks from everyone. So smile and say that I am good... Say Amen and Praise the Lord...

Regarding the practices, honestly, I had always felt something was off, but I kept pushing through. I've realised though that if you were an outsider, you would find some of the practices strange. For example, the pray-reading, repeating the hymnal verses, the calling on the name of the Lord, the terms used such as blending and mingling and eating and drinking. You don't really hear that anywhere else. Even if it is completely Biblical, it is just strange. I mean, why can't we invite them to church directly, rather than ease them in slowly? I've never been able to because I felt shame in what I did that I just coped with.

And if I don't do these things, then I am too much in the self... And if I question it, then I am expressing too much opinion perhaps... I have to just focus on eating and drinking Christ.

Even regarding the standing on the ground of oneness, or one city one church, or saying we are not a denomination, or saying we can look at other materials other than LSM materials, no matter how much we say we practice this and pursue after it, in the end, the real practice is a bit of exclusivism, it is difficult to fellowship with other Christians properly. I felt a sense of elitism, thinking I have the peak truth, standing on the ground of oneness etc. I noticed a bit of hypocrisy as well. I would only reading from LSM and nothing else. Only the Lord's Recovery Bible version, the Morning Revivals at Lord's Table and LSM material at Bible Studies.

Anyway, that is enough from me. I just wanted to get this out, because there were many nights where I would worry about this, whether this is right? I am finding it hard to let go of these things.

I'm even scared to share this, because in my mind, this would potentially make me a tool of Satan, or this will stumble the saints or poison them in some way, or I will receive judgement from God for doing this, especially if there are errors or mistakes.

I look back at what I have posted, and feel some regret. Yes, I have had positive experiences, but after seeing the criticism from outside and the type of response we have given, I feel there is something wrong, and no positive experience, no matter how good it is, can detract from that.

My stomach feels like it is dropping as I am writing this and posting it. I hope this is okay... Deep down, I just want to be my authentic self again and be genuinely happy. I believe that denying yourself to the point you have no personality and no uniqueness is wrong, and just leads to self loathing and self hatred and denies the fact that you are uniquely made in God's image. I've taken up therapy recently to deal with this.

This is just my experience. If I get anything wrong, I apologise...